Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
First off I ask myself why is it hard to accept? Maybe I think that by accepting such compliments I'm taking a plunge into a pride that I know i have deep down inside myself? That by doing so, I'm fueling an ego that comes from those of us in the Computer field? It's like the very modest guy whom the church gives an award, "The most modest guy" and then they take it away when he WEARS it. lol. It's a paradox. How do you accept a compliment without taking pride in it? And how do you take pride in it without seeming haughty? Do you compliment back? Do you simply say "thanks" and move on? Do you smile, blush, and fish for more compliments?
The second part of that is, if I am to realize and accept what people have told me...then I am very blessed in more than one way....which leads me to another question. What am I to do with these blessings? What am I do to with my life? What does God want me to do and how can He use my gifts? I suppose He's already been at work some in this and I don't believe it was a mistake that all of this happened to me now. There are so many people out there hurting....especially in the trans community. I have to think that God has a plan for me and them and I just need to figure out what that is.
How does He want me to show love to them? It's not about converting people...it's not about doing what scripture says down to the very word....it's about loving one another. Love God. Love everyone else. How can I show love to those who need it most, and especially in this community where it is so common to be hurt by the ones that are supposed to love you the most, even to the point of desiring to take your own life.
Yes, the oil and water are shaken up....guess we'll see how they settle this time.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
yet still in the valley
my body is broken
yet secretly mending
advancing so slowly
in feminine feelings
desires still syncing
with coming attraction
love and tenderness
wanting to comfort
pushed away, cold
guilty and blaming
days go by
in thousands of seconds
frozen slow motion
between here and there
time is a dimension
anchoring my crawl
I've never felt so in between.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Physically, I can't say I've noticed any changes. It's only been about 2 weeks, so that's understandable. However, emotionally, I definitely have experienced some change. I can remember 2-3 times where I got rather annoyed with someone over something simple and stupid. I also remember 6-10 times where I started crying and the tears were free flowing. This could've been from hearing a meaningful song, reading someone else's life story, thinking about the loss of my family, or other things. I've had periods of a sense of complete and utter joy...in the middle of a meeting at work (LOL weird, I know) and then within that same 30 minute meeting, a sense of despair.....all of this of course nothing to do with the meeting at hand.
This last week, I also talked with a couple of other pre-op girls who are much farther along than I am and they both talked a lot about their boyfriends. I had new feelings flow up from inside me during this time, something I don't think I've ever experienced before. Whereas before, when this would happen, I'd find myself mostly unable to relate....this time, I found myself desiring what they described.
Relationship with a man? Really? I mean I had read about the possibilities of HRT changing your orientation (in some people) but knowing about it and being open to it, is quite different from actually experiencing it....even if only a small part. I began experiencing a desire that I had never had before....a desire to be held in strong arms, to feel flirty, sexy, feminine and appreciated for being all of those things by someone. There's just an indescribable feeling that floats up from within me when I think of those kinds of things...and yet it's still rather confusing because for the most part, I'm still not attracted to men physically or facially. Men have been smiling at me when I'm out and about since I began transition and when it happens, I usually am too surprised to smile back before they move on.....it's interesting that recently I smiled back and turned a couple shades more red! hah.
Anyway, the process continues and I choose to embrace my true self even as those around me cut me out of their lives completely. More to come!
Well I was feeling rather self conscious over the next few days and on Saturday morning, even though I knew they'd still be taking the makeup off when I got there, I still applied beard concealer, eyeshadow, and eye liner. When I arrived at MAC, (right on time, I might add) they were pretty busy helping customers so I walked around the store glancing at different shades of eyeshadow but once again, I found myself not interested in any of it because I knew i couldn't afford to buy anything that day. So I ended up waiting at the counter while the ladies rang up a couple other people. When they were done, I heard them say something about the 12 oclock appointment and then one of them turned to me and said and I'm guessing that's you? I said "yes" but again, my heart completely fell. Was I that easy to read? The gal asked another girl if she was going to do my makeover and she said yes after she helped another customer with some blush....but the look on this girl's face looked like she was none to happy about it. By this time, I think my self confidence was at an all time low, and I followed them into the makeover room and sat and waited for the lady to be done.
I sat there looking in the mirror at myself and wanted to cry. I felt like my heart was on my sleeve and I was at their mercy to crush it. Then I was very surprised when the girl came bursting in and saying "Hi my name is Ali" and gave me a big hug and a sweet smile. And things started to get better from there. She was really more than nice the whole time, very sweet, helping me and showing me what she was doing and even letting me try some of it. Then we got to eyelashes and she showed me how to curl them with an eyelash curler, a great and new experience. I made some comments here and there making sure she knew that I didn't want anything 'drag'-ish and when she did my eyebrows a little darker, I said something about "as long as it doesn't look guy-ish" and she said "oh no honey, I won't let that happen!". She also understood when I said I couldn't buy anything that day but asked her to write down all the names and shades of makeup she used so that I could come back when I could afford it. She gladly obliged. She also at one point said, "I hope you come back, you're so sweet." and I beamed.
After everything was over, I looked in the mirror and wow, it didn't look like I had that much makeup on at all and yet I thought I looked really good. She and the other girls said I looked very beautiful and I found myself with a much easier step and lighter heart leaving the place than when I had first arrived.
Thanks to the girls at MAC for once again making my experience a good one, even if it started out a bit shakey for me. And special thanks to Ali for doing a great job and treating me like just another girl. =)
Before and After pics:
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Smiling through a thousand tears
adolescent fears consume
plastic smile, don't let anybody in
everyday, I just play the part
fooling everyone except my heart
hiding in my skin, broken from within.
When darkness turns to light
there's a song inside of my soul;
it could break my heart or save me
but I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find.
I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game
there's no place to hide
but I don't think I'm scared.
Well I can't really take credit for the words, phrases....I essentially strung together parts of many songs that have a very emotional effect on me and transition in general. I'll name them here:
Mariah Carey - Looking in
Defying Gravity - Glee
The Real Me - Natalie Grant
It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
Sober - Kelly Clarkson
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
This Side - Nickel Creek
Reflection - Christina Aguilera
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
That revelation is: I don't miss being J*****.
Ok so not to be taken the wrong way, this does NOT mean that I don't miss my family wanting to be around me, loving me, spending holidays with me or that I don't miss my wife and the love that we have shared for the last 8 years...not at all, I miss all of them dearly and it's really sad and difficult that they are choosing to do what they are doing....but they need to do what they believe is right.
What I mean when I say I don't miss being J***** is I don't miss being a boy, a guy. I don't miss using the men's restroom. I don't miss Men's bible study. I don't miss playing video/computer games for hours, even days on end. And of course definitely don't miss being called "Mister T*****". I don't miss going to the bathroom standing up. I don't miss being known as an Eagle Scout. I don't miss the automatic respect I might receive at an auto repair shop. I don't miss being a recluse, hiding away in my house or room, doing my own thing all the time. I don't miss all that hair on my body. And I don't even miss it not taking an hour and a half to get ready to go someplace haha.
And it of course goes on but it was kind of amazing to me that I didn't miss any of that. That being a woman, really does feel right. When I first started going full time (except work) , part of me really thought I'd get bored or burned out...it was almost a test for myself to see if this was really all true.
So all other negative side effects aside, I just love being ME!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
My Dad sent me an email this week saying that his counselor had said that he should cut off all communication with me and so he was doing it because he believed it held relevance with the parable in the bible about the Prodigal son. Talk about depressing. That was the day before I started hormones too. I talked to a friend about this and she mentioned that it sounded like the counselor they were seeing was using principles from a book like "Tough Love" which is a book for parents and how to cope with or deal with kids who are addicted to drugs. Essentially they're trying to treat something I was born with (GID) like I'm choosing to be addicted to a drug. Wow. My aunt told me today that she talked with my dad and that he told her he'd talk to me but only if I approached him first....whatever the point of that is, I don't know.
When I met with the doctor about the blood tests he had me do, I was once again intersted to see that my testosterone levels were still around 280 when most guys are around 500-700 range and my estrogen was mid range of 22 (instead of a low range). It made me wonder if I was intersex like I had originally thought (XXY chromosomes) but it seems that that is not an easy or cheap test to have done. (DNA Test/Kareotype). But still interesting to note. Someone from my old church messaged me today and asked me why I didn't try to go through testosterone therapy if that was the problem. Things like that just amaze me at how people think they understand something more than you when it becomes obvious they haven't even done the research.
Here's how it works: My brain is a FEMALE brain, my body is a MALE body. If you add more testosterone you make the situation WORSE because you're widening the gap between body and brain EVEN MORE. Wow! Who woulda thunk it?? Come on people if you're going to try to get on my case, at least do the research first. Estrogen therapy is done such that the body can become MORE IN SYNC with the mind because there is no way to change the brain currently.
On that note, I've been on hormones (Estrogen and Testosterone-blocker) for 4 days now. I have mostly noticed that my emotions (sadness/joy) tend to spike more quickly, bringing tears usually, at a lot of different things. Otherwise I just have had a few good days, feeling more feminine.....maybe they're just placebos to help you feel more confident as a woman! haha!
Thanks to Sophia for hangin out tonight and thanks to the many many friends that have continued to support me in my decision to be true to myself.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
for a while now
You silently hoped it wouldn't
while I pushed you forward.
As much as I know it's for the best
my heart knows it's breaking
apart from you.
The shell of being strong
I've built up all my life
comes forth in new life.
Each tear splashing down
represents a happy memory
ignorance is truly bliss.
So here we are
on the brink of goodbye
I'll hold you for a moment
one last time
already missing your soft embrace.
I will always love you, Baybo.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
My wife had suggested that I "buck up" and go as J***** but I just felt like that did not feel right to me. In talking about my transition, I had tended to talking about it like it hadn't started yet. I'd say to myself "I'll start my transition when I begin hormones" or "I'll start transition when I'm full time including at work". It hit me the other day that the truth is I have already begun transition...and it really started when I finally accepted the fact that this is who I am and that it's ok.
With that in mind, I've currently been living full time as Debra except at work. That means if I have to run an errand on the way home from work, I go home FIRST and go run the errand as Debra. Even stupid simple things, it just feels like what I need to be doing and it feels quite awkward to think of doing anything as J*****....it is still hard enough to be at work like this.
So the thought of going to the funeral as J***** was actually quite terrifying....it just felt so WRONG and foreign.
Although there are other logical reasons, such as the thought that if I showed my family that I could go places as J***** as I so chose (or as they needed me to be to be comfortable) then they would expect that all the time...not to mention, not take my transition seriously. My mother already feels like I'm just "dressing up" to get her attention. She still thinks it's a phase.
And of course going to the funeral itself was not the goal...the goal was to live authentically all the time...this included flying on the plane as Debra too. I had emailed my counselor asking if she would write a letter that I could use if I was questioned while passing through security at the airport. The letter simply explained that I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and that was why I was dressed the way I was and why my driver's license picture did not match with this attire.
When I met with my counselor to pick up the letter, she hadn't written it. She had called the TSA up and asked them about the exact procedures and the lady on the other end had informed her that if the picture did not match the person , they would most likely take me aside for questioning and possibly not let me on the plane at all. My counselor assumed that this would deter me and when she told me about her conversation, my heart fell. The thought of being forced to fly as J***** was overwhelmingly depressing and saddening. But I looked her in the eye and said I was still going to go as Debra so if she could write me the letter anyway, that'd be appreciated.
As with most round trip flights, I had the pleasure of passing through security twice. Both times, the man checking my license simply looked twice and let me pass, no extra questions. I didn't even have to use my letter! I was pleasantly surprised after having nightmares of being forced to remove my wig so they could see the picture matched or some sort of crazy antics. Maybe these guys see a number of transgender people pass through security that they did not question it or maybe my picture looked enough like me in the face, who knows. But I had no problems whatsoever and I'm very thankful for that.
After emailing my counselor and letting her know that things went well, she gave me a great compliment, saying that I was a very courageous woman. Even as I beamed at the compliment though, I felt like it was really misplaced. I didn't do this because I was brave or courageous...I did it because I felt like I HAD to....because it felt like the right thing to do, the ONLY thing to do.
At the Ontario airport, I stopped at a coffee shop while I waited for them to start boarding the plane that would take me home. I ordered a hot chocolate and the lady asked for my ID because I used my credit card. I showed it to her and she glanced at the picture and handed it back to me. She then said "I don't want to offend you or anything but you look completely gorgeous!" I must've blushed a deep red. She continued "You guys that do this make us girls look bad sometimes." She was completely complimenting me here, her tone was one of sincerity and admiration. I thanked her and almost walked away without my hot chocolate, lol.
Throughout the whole trip, I got ma'amed constantly...you'd think it would get old but it really doesn't, LOL. Between the flight attendant saying "would you like anything to drink, ma'am?" and the lady who yelled out to me as I was walking away "Ma'am!....you forgot your purse!!!", it really still did not get old. =)
After arriving in Ontario airport, my uncle came and picked me up and he promptly picked my parents up at their hotel. I was very surprised and it was a bit awkward at first because my parents had not seen Debra before. I had assumed they would not want to hang out around me at all and would simply have to put up with me at the funeral itself. Well as it actually happened, they ended up hanging out with me, my aunt and uncle, and grandpa for most of the trip. I knew they were quite uncomfortable with how I was dressed but they were civil and didn't ignore me either. When we went to my grandmother's viewing, they even hugged me as I cried at the loss.
It was also interesting meeting up with family and friends. My aunt did a wonderful job introducing me as her "niece" and I beamed every time. Other times when she wasn't around, I introduced myself as my grandmother's granddaughter. At one point my dad was standing there and after I had introduced myself as such, the lady turned to my dad and said "Oh so she is your daughter?" and he awkwardly nodded. I was kind of amazed....of course my mother was across the room, she probably would have 'outed' me instead hah. Not that that really mattered so much to me, many of the friends and family knew and recognized me and some of them didn't even question why I was dressed like that. Maybe they assumed or maybe they had been informed prior to coming.
My aunt, uncle, and Grandpa were simply wonderful. They all referred to me as "she" or Debra most of the time and that felt good. Sure they lapsed into the male pronouns and using "J*****" before correcting themselves but they were trying and that was so much more than my parents or my other uncle did. (who actually introduced me to his friend as J***** when I was quite obviously dressed in a black dress and hose). At one point I said goodbye to my grandpa and he said "Take it easy, girl" and hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I felt warm and fuzzy inside. =)
All three nights, I went with my aunt and uncle in their jacuzzi as well. I had previously bought a one-piece swimsuit and tied my wig up so as not to get it wet. I of course am quite lacking still in the bust area so I wore my breast forms under the suit and I still have a tummy but other than that I didn't think i looked too bad in my swimsuit, it felt good. My aunt and uncle didn't bat an eye but the first night, my parents went in the jacuzzi with us. I'm sure the experience of seeing their "son" in a one-piece women's swimsuit was quite a new one for them.
Throughout the trip, I told myself that even as civil as my parents were acting, I could and would not expect them to be any different when they went home. I would surely be in for an unpleasant surprise if I assumed that any civility they offered me in company of family and the death of my grandmother...would extend back home. Sadly, I was very right about that. As soon as they got home, they both sent me long emails telling me why I was wrong and in sin and all the usual bs I'm so sick of hearing. So of course I'm still not allowed at their house nor invited to thanksgiving. It's probably wishful thinking to believe that they might be ok with me coming over for Christmas too, ah well.
Overall the trip was quite amazing. It was simply great to be able to spend a 4 day weekend as myself too. Coming back to work on Monday has been hard. I've been thinking more and more that I should start informing the CEO and HR manager at my work about what is going on....I'm impatient for the chance to fully go full time and shed what's left of my guy clothes and life. It makes my heart leap to think about! At this point in time though, I'm trying to take my counselor's suggestions in slowing down some. A lot has happened in the past month or two and I need to let things flow for a while. I would like to start on hormones and it might be good to let the hormones take effect for a few months before I begin working on my "letter to work" that will explain what I intend to do.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My wife and I have always been home-bodies. We'd stay home most nights and watch shows or play computer games. Even in college and high school, you could find me reading a book quietly or working on some computer project or playing computer games in my room. Sure I went out with friends occasionally but I still preferred being by myself. I did find solace in online computer games for a while...they consumed a good amount of my time. I've been tempted lately to go back to them because they really are fun but the amount of time required makes it not fun anymore.
And now I feel so much more comfortable with myself that I want to get out of the house. I want to be around people. I don't want to be alone in my room doing my own thing anymore. It's so different, so foreign to me....and yet even more crazy to me: others want to be around me too!
After thinking about this I can conclude that maybe because I was not comfortable in my own skin, I stayed in my room, stayed alone....and now I feel so free, so at peace....that I can get out and meet people. It's quite a contrast.
Monday, October 26, 2009
how the ones you love the most
can turn their back on you the worst.
that alcoholism and pregnancy out of wedlock
can all be forgiven
but not being true to one's self.
the things you'd never thought would happen
can come on you in an instant.
how many friends you thought would turn their back
are there with open arms, accepting and loving.
the thought that this might be permanent
that they may never come around.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
At first glance it might just look like I cut myself shaving or something so it hasn't caused any questions at work at least...but when I get home and put my usual makeup on, I get the joy of seeing a lumpy foundation covered face. =/
I've continued cleansing my face in the morning and exfoliating at night and also using the moisturizing lotion I bought from the Laser center place. My friends that have gone through laser before tell me that it's normal to experience some acne but after showing one of them how bad it was, even she was surprised. I am only on day 6 and most people say it takes 12-14 days to see the rest of the hair fall out so I guess I just have to be patient. Just one of the many experiences I have to go through. I'll cling to the pain and ugliness knowing it's only part of the transitional period of truly being able to be myself.
Friday, October 16, 2009
I had a friend warn me the night before that it would really hurt and I should get a tropical anesthetic. Well I figured I'd try it without just in case and I didn't have time to get a prescription. In a way, I'm glad I did so I know the worst and anything else will hopefully be not as bad lol.
I went in and they laid me down and they blew this like AC unit on my face for a while then the gal gave me some sunglasses to protect my eyes from the laser and she began. She was holding a gun-like object that she pressed against my skin and clicked and you feel a jolt along a line of your skin. She moves the gun and does it again, rinse and repeat. They had previously said it's like taking a rubber band and snapping it on your skin...well let's just say it seemed to be worse than that lol. It wasn't as bad on my neck (surprising to me because that's usually where I cut myself the most when shaving) but more on the chin and upper lip.
The gal had said to raise my hand if I needed a break but I endured the whole time...near the end she started speeding up, maybe because she could sense I just wanted it over with hah.
She then rubbed off the gel she had put on earlier and a lot of hair came with it! She said that was a really good reaction. I went home and looked into the mirror and I was surprised to see that a lot of hair was gone and the shadow wasn't showing as much already! Pretty crazy. They say that the hair won't really start falling out till a few days after so I'm pretty hyped to already see some results.
Scheduled my next appointment for November but this time I'll definitely get the anesthetic somehow!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
sheathes fall from newborn eyes
tresses of light stream across
illuminating what once was hidden
a word written clearly on my heart
only a glimpse is caught
before sudden sunset
and darkness falls.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Around this time last week, I was starting up my truck with the garage closed, ready to end it all.
The night before, the guys at my bible study had confronted me once again saying many things and saying them very forcefully, harsh, and fiercely. They said even if I was born with this tendency that I should still fight it. They said that if they heard I was on the forums or blogs or seeing a gender counselor, they would bring me to the next level of church discipline, to the elders. Once again they would deny me others' points of view. They said they had to protect my wife. They also said I would go to hell if I became a woman and that I would no longer be invited to group.
Anyway, I drove home ready to kill myself. Their logic rang in my head:
"God would rather have me dead than become a woman."
Well my wife happened to be getting out of her car when I got home so I did not have the chance. But Wednesday morning at around 5am (my wife was still sleeping), I got up, got dressed, and wrote some last words, texted them to a choice few, and started up the truck with the windows down.
My best friend called back immediately, he had been up because of a pager call for work. He said "Don't do this, man." I told him I couldn't take it anymore. He begged me to open the garage and I could hear him getting into his car. I told him he would be too late (it would take him 30 min to get there). I got cut off at some point, thank you AT&T, but my wife woke up, noticed I wasn't in bed and was worried. She came downstairs and heard the engine running. She immediately opened the garage and I shut the engine off and just sat there, numb.
She threw some clothes on and came and sat in the truck with me for a couple minutes. I told her I would go to work and she told me no that she would call my work and let them know that I couldn't go today. So I said I'd go back to bed. She said I should talk to someone. Nobody I wanted to talk to was up so she ended up calling 9-1-1 and the cops came. I went voluntarily to the Emergency Room at the hospital.
They tested me for CO poisoning and said I had less CO than the average smoker. Apparently my plan didn't get very far. I told the social worker and doctor that the reasoning behind it all had to do with transgender feelings I had been experiencing. They said if I could sign a paper honestly that said I wouldn't try again, I could go home. I knew I couldn't sign it honestly at that point so they got me a bed at the psych ward at another hospital and I spent a few days there, reflecting. It was kind of lonely and boring there but the people there were good people. I was able to easily put myself out there and they were all accepting/affirming. It's kind of funny, they were all sad to see me go and I was sad to leave them.
I went and saw my counselor the day I got out (Friday). He didn't agree with what the guys at bible study had done, he asked my wife if she thought it was 'helpful' what they did. She has defended what they did saying they did it out of love. I know they did it out of love but the way they did it was hurtful. And threatening to bring me up with the church when I haven't even done anything yet was ridiculous.
When I was in the ward and my family came to visit me during visiting hours, my brother (who started getting drunk immediately when he heard I had tried to commit suicide) actually made some sense. Did I want to go down the hard path of becoming a woman or the hard path of staying the same. Both would be hard but only one, I would not be alone. Only one, my wife would not leave me. It made total logical sense in my head that I should fight to keep my wife and yet in my heart, I still felt no guilt, no wrong for feeling this way, for wanting to be a woman. Talk about inner clash, brain and heart.
So at this point, I'm seeing my counselor twice a week now. I asked him if I should see a gender counselor and whether I should stop talking to my transsexual friends online and he said it was my choice. He didn't threaten to bring it up with the church. I then asked his opinion and he said he thought either would be harmful to me right now.
The psychiatrist and social worker at the psych ward both suggested that I should see a gender-experienced counselor. As did my Primary Care Physician. So I don't think I'm being unreasonable about seeing one but I do wonder why my current counselor thinks it would be harmful. Why does everyone want to deny me information? Shouldn't I be able to make an educated decision once I'm informed of all sides and possibilities?
My counselor did of course say that it was my choice. But I do think his opinion matters. Of course part of my problem is that I tend to want to please everyone around me. In fact, I think the reason this has all come up now is because I've tried to please everyone my whole life. I denied these kinds of feelings my whole life to try to be someone everyone else wanted me to be. I did well in school, didn't rebel much, went to college, got married, was working on kids......
And right now everyone around me once again wants me to be something they want me to be and I'm trying to adhere to that and suffering because of it.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Did you think you could get through to me
with threats and condemnation?
Did you really think
that would be helpful?
Are you words really chosen out of love
when they're spoken
with such fierceness?
Is that needed?
Do you know how much you've hurt me?
I cannot blame you for my own actions
but state of mind can be accountable.
You do realize that I have not even made a decison
How can you condemn me when I have not even begun?
What church discipline can be brought up on me
for future prospects, yet undecided?
I stood on the brink, trying to understand
instead of embracing me in Jesus
you chose to shove me over.
Your harsh words still ring in my head;
do you think that makes me feel loved?
I opened my heart, have been honest from the start
and yet by doing so, I only get it thrown
back in my face.
Did God call you to treat me so?
Is that your righteous reasoning?
These words of mine are not meant to afflict
but to express that which could not be shown
without careful contemplation,
insightful isolation, and retreating reflection;
this is how I feel brother
take it to heart.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
These are the things people have been telling me:
- God made me a man and He doesn't make mistakes
- I am treating this like an idol
- It's shameful for a man's hair to grow long
- A man should not wear women's clothes
- I am rejecting God by doing this
- I am rejecting my wife and her family by doing this
- I should suffer and be self-sacrificing instead of going through with this
- I will be excommunicated from the church
- These thoughts and desires come from Satan, not from inside me
- I should not do ANYTHING feminine, ever.
- I should love my wife and not myself
- The phrase "You must love yourself before you can love others" is not true
- I will never really be a woman
- God will still see my spirit as a man
- I will lose my salvation
- I will go to hell
- I should not explore the other side of these arguments, just accept this side as truth
- I am not being strong enough
- I should just be happy being a feminine, tender-hearted guy
- This is like a porn addiction and can be suppressed similarly
- If God doesn't take this away then I should live with it for the rest of my life
- He made us male and female for a reason
Etc, etc, and so forth. And then they wonder why I have these sudden thoughts of suicide???
My response has been to retreat a bit and try to investigate what is true and right. All my life I was raised in the Christian church and with the belief that homosexuality and transgenderism is a sin. I never even questioned it, it was so ingrained. It's probably part of the reason I buried any of these transgender feelings while I was growing up in the first place. Now that I'm feeling these feelings I'm starting to wonder.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not questioning whether God exists or the bible is true. I still believe those things and have tested those things in my mind all throughout growing up. It just never occured to me that translation and interpretation could be compromised or that there could be validity to other interpretations. Now, I'm also not saying I now suddenly believe that homosexuality is right. I just don't know right now. I'm still searching my heart and trying to understand what is going on there as well as what God really considers true and right.
It's hard though. I've been told that the voice of God is through the Bible and other Christians around me speaking scripture from it. Yet everyone around me is always speaking against this as they have my whole life. It was easy to believe and agree when it wasn't so personal.
I know God made me a man on the outside but circumstances that He allowed to happen (whether that be how my fetus was formed and/or how I was conditioned in the early years of my life) have produced these feelings that I have been having.
One comparison is to a hermaphrodite being born. God allowed that to happen. Should that person be forced to live like that because God created him/her like that or should they be allowed to choose to become a whole man or a whole woman? And what about a child born blind? If we have the technology, shouldn't we try to cure their blindness? The only difference between me and these examples is that theirs are much more obvious on the outside where as the only ones who really know what's going on inside myself are me and God. Everyone else just sees it as a struggle to overcome and get on with my life as a man.
My wife loves me so much and I love her equally as much. But she has said over and over that the second I start on Hormone Replacement Therapy, she will leave me because:
- She believes what I'm doing is wrong and a sin
- She believes that she should not be in an intimate relationship with a woman.
She has also voiced that no matter what I do to my body, God will always see my soul as a man, that I will always still just be a man. I laugh at the obvious contradiction to one of the reasons she would leave me. I just wish she could see what I see...that it will still be me. She didn't marry my genitals. She married me for my heart. That will not change. But she doesn't see it that way.
From here on out, I'm still trying to get in contact with some other counselors while still seeing my current one. I'd like to research other arguments but at the same time, continue praying and reading the word to really hear from God what it is He wants me to do.
If this IS wrong, what I want to do, then I need to NOT do it somehow. But if it's right and God understands and still loves me, I will most likely want to go through with it. Everyone else doesn't really matter frankly. Just me and God. If my wife wants to leave me because of her beliefs then so be it. It would be hard but while she thinks I'd be rejecting her I'd see it as quite the opposite.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Why have you forsaken me?
I cannot do this alone
you know that.
Why have you abandoned me?
Wretched am I
lowest of low
drowning in despair
I'm reaching up to you
but you look down
How can you love me
and yet let this happen
Won't you end my suffering?
How can I find joy in this?
Where is your grace, Lord?
All I feel is torment
an overwhelming ocean.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I'm covered in it
denied of being myself
by those that would condemn me.
And even those that dont convict
simply do not understand
thinking it to be
stupidly simple vanity.
If this is so wrong, Lord
why have you not taken it
Why does my grip on life
begin to lose its hold
every single day?
They would have me live a lie
to make everyone around me
Yet the other option,
live true to self
is back to black.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
- It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, thought, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with caution.
- Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals.
- Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues.
- If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender expression of various kinds. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender expression.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
seemingly lucid, bright sunrise ahead.
Yet beneath the surface, beyond the looking glass
the truth lies, bare and bound
enclosed and drowning, in the dark recesses.
A raging thunder without a sound
righteous ridicule, subliminal suggestion
crushing in from all sides.
There's no escape, except for abandoning air;
nowhere to turn, no understanding, nobody listening.
Amidst the pain, justified longing only intensifies
a constant screaming, piercing the soul
unable to escape this corporeal coil.
Steadily shamed and adamantly accused
frailty in yielding, impaired surrender.
Yet the only nemesis in need of confrontation
remains merely essence of self;
that which cannot be fought and won.
Helpless melancholy overtaking
there's nowhere to run.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
bring troubling clarity.
Two paths lay before me
both just as destructive
no matter what anybody
The eastward path
to inner desires
at the possible expense of
love, family, friends
yet striving to belong
The other option
is an inward battle
eating me alive
bitterness creeping in
feeding on depression
at the injustice of it all.
Where are the other paths?
Isn't there some other way?
I'm at the intersection
where's the Z axis?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
what you mean to me
Your life is not forfeit
no matter what you might think.
I know who you are
I see into your soul
I've known for years
even through my bitterness
my love for you
who you are
what you do
will always be
I know others have hurt you
a blazing fire anew
numbing it down
to a dull throb
but it won't leave you.
We have that in common
we've both been hurt
You were always the honest one
I see it now
while I buried it deep inside
and pretended it didn't
Can't you see the good in you?
Because we all see it
even your oppressors.
And despite the hurt
inflicted upon you
even they have always
I wish I could tell you
everything was going to be
But as one going through something
I know that there will always be times
but there are also times of joy.
Like the joy of our renewed
Don't you realize we are like
newfound brothers now?
All those years we spent
because of past relations
or lack thereof.
That can all change
you don't have to go thru this
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Something inside of me still cringes when I say that. From the beginnings of my crossdressing, I distanced myself from the idea of transitioning to full womanhood. Probably because it seemed to directly cross my beliefs that God doesn't make mistakes, or the fact that I know my wife would not be happy if I did so. More likely though, there's a part of me that still does NOT want to ever be a woman permanently. I think all of me is just fine with the fantasy-like idea of transforming into a woman (anatomically) but only in a mystical temporary way and always being able to change back to a man's body at some point. My wife would probably consider it more of an annoyance if this was possible. I can imagine her saying "Turn back! I need a man right now."
Of course in "real life", such a change is permanent, there is no going back. Even now I can imagine myself transitioning, despite possible loss of my wife, family, friends, and church. Maybe I think that I could go through the process and repent after the change. Of course true repentance at that point would be dressing like a man again, making some sort of effort in that way even though anatomically I'd be a woman. Think about that. A woman, once a man, dressing as a man once again. How excruciatingly frustrating can you get. Horrifying even. I desire this so bad that thinking of receiving it and then being denied all that goes with it.....there are just no words to describe the agony.