Tribute to Baybo and Jermo

Life and Love

You know when you mix oil and water how it slowly settles and separates? But then when you shake it up , it temporarily mixes again? That's kind of how my mind feels today. Things that had settled in my mind are a bit shaken up. I've been handed a few many compliments of late on both things such as my feminine looks as well as loving spirit and as compliments usually are, it's been hard for me to accept.

First off I ask myself why is it hard to accept? Maybe I think that by accepting such compliments I'm taking a plunge into a pride that I know i have deep down inside myself? That by doing so, I'm fueling an ego that comes from those of us in the Computer field? It's like the very modest guy whom the church gives an award, "The most modest guy" and then they take it away when he WEARS it. lol. It's a paradox. How do you accept a compliment without taking pride in it? And how do you take pride in it without seeming haughty? Do you compliment back? Do you simply say "thanks" and move on? Do you smile, blush, and fish for more compliments?

The second part of that is, if I am to realize and accept what people have told me...then I am very blessed in more than one way....which leads me to another question. What am I to do with these blessings? What am I do to with my life? What does God want me to do and how can He use my gifts? I suppose He's already been at work some in this and I don't believe it was a mistake that all of this happened to me now. There are so many people out there hurting....especially in the trans community. I have to think that God has a plan for me and them and I just need to figure out what that is.

How does He want me to show love to them? It's not about converting people...it's not about doing what scripture says down to the very word....it's about loving one another. Love God. Love everyone else. How can I show love to those who need it most, and especially in this community where it is so common to be hurt by the ones that are supposed to love you the most, even to the point of desiring to take your own life.

Yes, the oil and water are shaken up....guess we'll see how they settle this time.

In Between

At the summit
yet still in the valley
my body is broken
yet secretly mending
advancing so slowly
in feminine feelings
desires still syncing
with coming attraction
love and tenderness
wanting to comfort
pushed away, cold
guilty and blaming
days go by
in thousands of seconds
frozen slow motion
between here and there
time is a dimension
anchoring my crawl
I've never felt so in between.

HRT Changes

So as my counter above shows, it's been about 12 days since I started on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). I just wanted to log some of the changes I had noticed since I started.

Physically, I can't say I've noticed any changes. It's only been about 2 weeks, so that's understandable. However, emotionally, I definitely have experienced some change. I can remember 2-3 times where I got rather annoyed with someone over something simple and stupid. I also remember 6-10 times where I started crying and the tears were free flowing. This could've been from hearing a meaningful song, reading someone else's life story, thinking about the loss of my family, or other things. I've had periods of a sense of complete and utter joy...in the middle of a meeting at work (LOL weird, I know) and then within that same 30 minute meeting, a sense of despair.....all of this of course nothing to do with the meeting at hand.

This last week, I also talked with a couple of other pre-op girls who are much farther along than I am and they both talked a lot about their boyfriends. I had new feelings flow up from inside me during this time, something I don't think I've ever experienced before. Whereas before, when this would happen, I'd find myself mostly unable to relate....this time, I found myself desiring what they described.

Relationship with a man? Really? I mean I had read about the possibilities of HRT changing your orientation (in some people) but knowing about it and being open to it, is quite different from actually experiencing it....even if only a small part. I began experiencing a desire that I had never had before....a desire to be held in strong arms, to feel flirty, sexy, feminine and appreciated for being all of those things by someone. There's just an indescribable feeling that floats up from within me when I think of those kinds of things...and yet it's still rather confusing because for the most part, I'm still not attracted to men physically or facially. Men have been smiling at me when I'm out and about since I began transition and when it happens, I usually am too surprised to smile back before they move on.....it's interesting that recently I smiled back and turned a couple shades more red! hah.

Anyway, the process continues and I choose to embrace my true self even as those around me cut me out of their lives completely. More to come!

MAC "Smokey Eyes" Makeover

Earlier this week, I made an appointment to get a makeover at MAC. Saturday night was Ingersoll Gender Center's Snowball event (dance/christmas get together) and I wanted to get a little bit glammed up than my everyday makeup look. So I called them up on Wednesday and got an appointment. The girl asks me "Is it for you or for a girl?". I wanted to cry but I said "It's for me". For days after, I would regret not saying "It's for me but I'm a girl or It's for me, I'm transgender". Such is life. Her next question made it worse though: "Do you want a soft smokey eye or something more drag?" and my heart just totally sank. I of course blathered out "No, no drag...just the soft smokey eye....it's for a dance.".

Well I was feeling rather self conscious over the next few days and on Saturday morning, even though I knew they'd still be taking the makeup off when I got there, I still applied beard concealer, eyeshadow, and eye liner. When I arrived at MAC, (right on time, I might add) they were pretty busy helping customers so I walked around the store glancing at different shades of eyeshadow but once again, I found myself not interested in any of it because I knew i couldn't afford to buy anything that day. So I ended up waiting at the counter while the ladies rang up a couple other people. When they were done, I heard them say something about the 12 oclock appointment and then one of them turned to me and said and I'm guessing that's you? I said "yes" but again, my heart completely fell. Was I that easy to read? The gal asked another girl if she was going to do my makeover and she said yes after she helped another customer with some blush....but the look on this girl's face looked like she was none to happy about it. By this time, I think my self confidence was at an all time low, and I followed them into the makeover room and sat and waited for the lady to be done.

I sat there looking in the mirror at myself and wanted to cry. I felt like my heart was on my sleeve and I was at their mercy to crush it. Then I was very surprised when the girl came bursting in and saying "Hi my name is Ali" and gave me a big hug and a sweet smile. And things started to get better from there. She was really more than nice the whole time, very sweet, helping me and showing me what she was doing and even letting me try some of it. Then we got to eyelashes and she showed me how to curl them with an eyelash curler, a great and new experience. I made some comments here and there making sure she knew that I didn't want anything 'drag'-ish and when she did my eyebrows a little darker, I said something about "as long as it doesn't look guy-ish" and she said "oh no honey, I won't let that happen!". She also understood when I said I couldn't buy anything that day but asked her to write down all the names and shades of makeup she used so that I could come back when I could afford it. She gladly obliged. She also at one point said, "I hope you come back, you're so sweet." and I beamed.

After everything was over, I looked in the mirror and wow, it didn't look like I had that much makeup on at all and yet I thought I looked really good. She and the other girls said I looked very beautiful and I found myself with a much easier step and lighter heart leaving the place than when I had first arrived.

Thanks to the girls at MAC for once again making my experience a good one, even if it started out a bit shakey for me. And special thanks to Ali for doing a great job and treating me like just another girl. =)

Before and After pics:

Emotional Medley

Smiling through a thousand tears
adolescent fears consume
plastic smile, don't let anybody in
everyday, I just play the part
fooling everyone except my heart
hiding in my skin, broken from within.

When darkness turns to light
there's a song inside of my soul;
it could break my heart or save me
but I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find.

I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game
there's no place to hide
but I don't think I'm scared.

Well I can't really take credit for the words, phrases....I essentially strung together parts of many songs that have a very emotional effect on me and transition in general. I'll name them here:

Mariah Carey - Looking in
Defying Gravity - Glee
The Real Me - Natalie Grant
It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
Sober - Kelly Clarkson
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
This Side - Nickel Creek
Reflection - Christina Aguilera

Being Me

I had a revelation today. It might come off as stupid or obvious to some of you and I guess it is but it really hit me.

That revelation is: I don't miss being J*****.

Ok so not to be taken the wrong way, this does NOT mean that I don't miss my family wanting to be around me, loving me, spending holidays with me or that I don't miss my wife and the love that we have shared for the last 8 years...not at all, I miss all of them dearly and it's really sad and difficult that they are choosing to do what they are doing....but they need to do what they believe is right.

What I mean when I say I don't miss being J***** is I don't miss being a boy, a guy. I don't miss using the men's restroom. I don't miss Men's bible study. I don't miss playing video/computer games for hours, even days on end. And of course definitely don't miss being called "Mister T*****". I don't miss going to the bathroom standing up. I don't miss being known as an Eagle Scout. I don't miss the automatic respect I might receive at an auto repair shop. I don't miss being a recluse, hiding away in my house or room, doing my own thing all the time. I don't miss all that hair on my body. And I don't even miss it not taking an hour and a half to get ready to go someplace haha.

And it of course goes on but it was kind of amazing to me that I didn't miss any of that. That being a woman, really does feel right. When I first started going full time (except work) , part of me really thought I'd get bored or burned out...it was almost a test for myself to see if this was really all true.

So all other negative side effects aside, I just love being ME!

Quick update for the week

So I've had a few vlogs going on the past few days but figured I'd do a regular blog update too. My wife moved out today so that was kinda of weird. In truth she hadn't been sleeping here since Monday night and even before then off and on anyway so it doesn't seem that different already. I love and miss her but this is really for the best. We are still going to get the house finished/cleaned up and get it on the market though.

My Dad sent me an email this week saying that his counselor had said that he should cut off all communication with me and so he was doing it because he believed it held relevance with the parable in the bible about the Prodigal son. Talk about depressing. That was the day before I started hormones too. I talked to a friend about this and she mentioned that it sounded like the counselor they were seeing was using principles from a book like "Tough Love" which is a book for parents and how to cope with or deal with kids who are addicted to drugs. Essentially they're trying to treat something I was born with (GID) like I'm choosing to be addicted to a drug. Wow. My aunt told me today that she talked with my dad and that he told her he'd talk to me but only if I approached him first....whatever the point of that is, I don't know.

When I met with the doctor about the blood tests he had me do, I was once again intersted to see that my testosterone levels were still around 280 when most guys are around 500-700 range and my estrogen was mid range of 22 (instead of a low range). It made me wonder if I was intersex like I had originally thought (XXY chromosomes) but it seems that that is not an easy or cheap test to have done. (DNA Test/Kareotype). But still interesting to note. Someone from my old church messaged me today and asked me why I didn't try to go through testosterone therapy if that was the problem. Things like that just amaze me at how people think they understand something more than you when it becomes obvious they haven't even done the research.

Here's how it works: My brain is a FEMALE brain, my body is a MALE body. If you add more testosterone you make the situation WORSE because you're widening the gap between body and brain EVEN MORE. Wow! Who woulda thunk it?? Come on people if you're going to try to get on my case, at least do the research first. Estrogen therapy is done such that the body can become MORE IN SYNC with the mind because there is no way to change the brain currently.

On that note, I've been on hormones (Estrogen and Testosterone-blocker) for 4 days now. I have mostly noticed that my emotions (sadness/joy) tend to spike more quickly, bringing tears usually, at a lot of different things. Otherwise I just have had a few good days, feeling more feminine.....maybe they're just placebos to help you feel more confident as a woman! haha!

Thanks to Sophia for hangin out tonight and thanks to the many many friends that have continued to support me in my decision to be true to myself.

First Hormones!

Tully's Albertsons Girl

New Moon Transition

So my wife and I went and saw "New Moon" in the theater this afternoon. In the movie, Bella, the main character, wants Edward, her vampire boyfriend, to "tun her into" a vampire so she can be with him forever. He is hesitant because he doesn't think he (or any other vampire) has a soul and he wants her to live, die of old age, and go to heaven (essentially).

I was taken aback at the parallel between this and my transition. I have been longing to transition to womanhood for a while now and I've had nothing but constant bombardment from family, some friends, church, and wife telling me why they won't "let me" do it or why I shouldn't do it because I will go to hell.

In Bella's case, (Spoiler alert) they are forced to commit to changing her at some point in the future and she is of course glad of this because she did not have the power to do it on her own. In my case, it was me taking ahold and saying "Look, I need to do this." for once in my life.

And it's a good feeling.

Painful Parting

We've both known this was coming
for a while now
You silently hoped it wouldn't
while I pushed you forward.
As much as I know it's for the best
my heart knows it's breaking
apart from you.
The shell of being strong
I've built up all my life
develops cracks
bittersweet revelation
comes forth in new life.
Each tear splashing down
represents a happy memory
of us
ignorance is truly bliss.
So here we are
on the brink of goodbye
I'll hold you for a moment
one last time
already missing your soft embrace.
I will always love you, Baybo.

Conglomerate Update

Well there isn't any one big thing going on that I thought I'd write about lately so I'll just write up an update post of all the little things that are going on.

1. I start hormones next week! During my last session, my counselor let me know that she was ready to give me a referral letter to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy and that she'd have the letter ready for me this Wednesday (the 25th). I was ecstatic! I had been more than ready to begin at the beginning of the month but my counselor had wanted to let some time go by first and I begrudgingly went along with it. But now the waiting is almost up and I can really begin to look and feel like I should and that's more than exciting, it's wonderful. Friday, I met with a doctor in Seattle and this morning I went in for some blood test labs. My next appointment with the doctor is on Tuesday, December 1st and he will go over the recommended options for me and then (hopefully) prescription! Thus will begin the biological portion of my transition.

2. I went in for my 2nd laser treatment today for my face. I came prepared this time, I used the EMLA cream my doctor prescribed an hour beforehand and pressed saran wrap up to my face for that hour to keep in the numbing agent. The results....well it still hurt but it was definitely not as bad as the 1st session. Although I speculate that the reason behind this is based more on the fact that I have less hair to kill than the fact that I used the EMLA cream hah. I also decided to switch my brazilian package over to chest/armpits as they are a more immediate need. Later in the future I will have to look into the brazilian package again depending on which surgeon I end up picking for my SRS....and that's still a ways away. 1st appointment for chest/armpits is next Monday and then the next appt for Face, chest, and armpits will be on January 4th.

3. This last Saturday, I had the help of some friends to get a bunch of furniture and lots of bins of packed stuff into a 10x10 rented storage unit. The house is looking much more roomier now and we still have a few more things to send off to storage and the good will but then we need to jump into "cleaning mode" and get the carpets cleaned and fix up things around the house so we can get the house on the market during the month of December.

4. Once the house goes on the market, my wife is going to stay with some friends from her church for a while as a first go of separation. She has also said she'll be writing up a proposal for how we should divide finances and such for our impending divorce. I'm sure it won't be the final draft but hopefully we can come to an agreement without involving lawyers on either side.

5. The holidays are coming up and I'm not invited to thanksgiving at my parents' house. So I've been invited to 2 different dinners, one at my friend, Sophia's house and another at my friend Nate and Ria's house. I'm going to try to make both of them as they are offset each other but we will see. I hope that Christmas brings different results as my aunt, uncle, and grandfather are coming up but who knows what my parents will do at this point. Hopefully by now they realize that rejecting me will not deter me from my transition.

6. It gets harder every Monday morning to goto work as someone else after spending the whole weekend as myself. At this point in time, I still think that I need to let the hormones take effect before worrying about how to "come out" to work but I do think that I will be writing up a letter for them within the next month or two and begin trying to organize telling the Ceo and HR manager about it a few months ahead of when I would finally go full time. Patience is a virtue here...in the meantime, I need to keep working hard.

7. Finances are a bit crazy even without a mortgage payment. We are trying to rein in our spending habits and I am trying to pace out transition costs as well. Meanwhile we're also spending a good amount of money on the house, we probably spent a few hundred dollars on plastic bins to pack things in alone, we didn't want to shell out for cardboard boxes that we wouldn't ever use again. I also had to pay to get new brakes and calipers on the Avenger so that was a huge unexpected cost this month....and of course Christmas is coming up so buying presents for everyone weights on the thoughts as well.

All in all, things are going very well.

2 airports, 1 bathing suit, and a funeral

So it's been a while since I've been online, let alone having time to write a new blog post. As I said in my last blog post, my grandmother died last week...actually it's almost 2 weeks ago now. I was planning on going to the funeral and going as Debra.

My wife had suggested that I "buck up" and go as J***** but I just felt like that did not feel right to me. In talking about my transition, I had tended to talking about it like it hadn't started yet. I'd say to myself "I'll start my transition when I begin hormones" or "I'll start transition when I'm full time including at work". It hit me the other day that the truth is I have already begun transition...and it really started when I finally accepted the fact that this is who I am and that it's ok.

With that in mind, I've currently been living full time as Debra except at work. That means if I have to run an errand on the way home from work, I go home FIRST and go run the errand as Debra. Even stupid simple things, it just feels like what I need to be doing and it feels quite awkward to think of doing anything as J*****....it is still hard enough to be at work like this.

So the thought of going to the funeral as J***** was actually quite terrifying....it just felt so WRONG and foreign.

Although there are other logical reasons, such as the thought that if I showed my family that I could go places as J***** as I so chose (or as they needed me to be to be comfortable) then they would expect that all the time...not to mention, not take my transition seriously. My mother already feels like I'm just "dressing up" to get her attention. She still thinks it's a phase.

And of course going to the funeral itself was not the goal...the goal was to live authentically all the time...this included flying on the plane as Debra too. I had emailed my counselor asking if she would write a letter that I could use if I was questioned while passing through security at the airport. The letter simply explained that I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and that was why I was dressed the way I was and why my driver's license picture did not match with this attire.

When I met with my counselor to pick up the letter, she hadn't written it. She had called the TSA up and asked them about the exact procedures and the lady on the other end had informed her that if the picture did not match the person , they would most likely take me aside for questioning and possibly not let me on the plane at all. My counselor assumed that this would deter me and when she told me about her conversation, my heart fell. The thought of being forced to fly as J***** was overwhelmingly depressing and saddening. But I looked her in the eye and said I was still going to go as Debra so if she could write me the letter anyway, that'd be appreciated.

As with most round trip flights, I had the pleasure of passing through security twice. Both times, the man checking my license simply looked twice and let me pass, no extra questions. I didn't even have to use my letter! I was pleasantly surprised after having nightmares of being forced to remove my wig so they could see the picture matched or some sort of crazy antics. Maybe these guys see a number of transgender people pass through security that they did not question it or maybe my picture looked enough like me in the face, who knows. But I had no problems whatsoever and I'm very thankful for that.

After emailing my counselor and letting her know that things went well, she gave me a great compliment, saying that I was a very courageous woman. Even as I beamed at the compliment though, I felt like it was really misplaced. I didn't do this because I was brave or courageous...I did it because I felt like I HAD to....because it felt like the right thing to do, the ONLY thing to do.

At the Ontario airport, I stopped at a coffee shop while I waited for them to start boarding the plane that would take me home. I ordered a hot chocolate and the lady asked for my ID because I used my credit card. I showed it to her and she glanced at the picture and handed it back to me. She then said "I don't want to offend you or anything but you look completely gorgeous!" I must've blushed a deep red. She continued "You guys that do this make us girls look bad sometimes." She was completely complimenting me here, her tone was one of sincerity and admiration. I thanked her and almost walked away without my hot chocolate, lol.

Throughout the whole trip, I got ma'amed constantly...you'd think it would get old but it really doesn't, LOL. Between the flight attendant saying "would you like anything to drink, ma'am?" and the lady who yelled out to me as I was walking away "Ma'am!....you forgot your purse!!!", it really still did not get old. =)

After arriving in Ontario airport, my uncle came and picked me up and he promptly picked my parents up at their hotel. I was very surprised and it was a bit awkward at first because my parents had not seen Debra before. I had assumed they would not want to hang out around me at all and would simply have to put up with me at the funeral itself. Well as it actually happened, they ended up hanging out with me, my aunt and uncle, and grandpa for most of the trip. I knew they were quite uncomfortable with how I was dressed but they were civil and didn't ignore me either. When we went to my grandmother's viewing, they even hugged me as I cried at the loss.

It was also interesting meeting up with family and friends. My aunt did a wonderful job introducing me as her "niece" and I beamed every time. Other times when she wasn't around, I introduced myself as my grandmother's granddaughter. At one point my dad was standing there and after I had introduced myself as such, the lady turned to my dad and said "Oh so she is your daughter?" and he awkwardly nodded. I was kind of amazed....of course my mother was across the room, she probably would have 'outed' me instead hah. Not that that really mattered so much to me, many of the friends and family knew and recognized me and some of them didn't even question why I was dressed like that. Maybe they assumed or maybe they had been informed prior to coming.

My aunt, uncle, and Grandpa were simply wonderful. They all referred to me as "she" or Debra most of the time and that felt good. Sure they lapsed into the male pronouns and using "J*****" before correcting themselves but they were trying and that was so much more than my parents or my other uncle did. (who actually introduced me to his friend as J***** when I was quite obviously dressed in a black dress and hose). At one point I said goodbye to my grandpa and he said "Take it easy, girl" and hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I felt warm and fuzzy inside. =)

All three nights, I went with my aunt and uncle in their jacuzzi as well. I had previously bought a one-piece swimsuit and tied my wig up so as not to get it wet. I of course am quite lacking still in the bust area so I wore my breast forms under the suit and I still have a tummy but other than that I didn't think i looked too bad in my swimsuit, it felt good. My aunt and uncle didn't bat an eye but the first night, my parents went in the jacuzzi with us. I'm sure the experience of seeing their "son" in a one-piece women's swimsuit was quite a new one for them.

Throughout the trip, I told myself that even as civil as my parents were acting, I could and would not expect them to be any different when they went home. I would surely be in for an unpleasant surprise if I assumed that any civility they offered me in company of family and the death of my grandmother...would extend back home. Sadly, I was very right about that. As soon as they got home, they both sent me long emails telling me why I was wrong and in sin and all the usual bs I'm so sick of hearing. So of course I'm still not allowed at their house nor invited to thanksgiving. It's probably wishful thinking to believe that they might be ok with me coming over for Christmas too, ah well.

Overall the trip was quite amazing. It was simply great to be able to spend a 4 day weekend as myself too. Coming back to work on Monday has been hard. I've been thinking more and more that I should start informing the CEO and HR manager at my work about what is going on....I'm impatient for the chance to fully go full time and shed what's left of my guy clothes and life. It makes my heart leap to think about! At this point in time though, I'm trying to take my counselor's suggestions in slowing down some. A lot has happened in the past month or two and I need to let things flow for a while. I would like to start on hormones and it might be good to let the hormones take effect for a few months before I begin working on my "letter to work" that will explain what I intend to do.

Moving Forward

Well my grandmother (Father's mother) died last night. That's a new event in my life and it hasn't quite hit me yet. I'm sure it will at the funeral. But in the meantime, it's definitely hit my father like a truck and on top of the fact that his son wants to now be his daughter....it's just not a good combination. And of course I can't be there to hug him and talk to him because he won't see me like I am, as Debra. He has been calling me Debra or Deb (his new nickname for me) via email and IM but he still is not ready to see me yet...which frankly is fine. I can be patient for that. But it's hard because of the fact that his mother died and we can't be in physical presence together.

My wife rebuked me and told me I should set aside my transition if even for a day to be with him, dressed in guy clothes, and I gave it much thought. She's also requested that I not sleep with my breast forms, that I dress as a guy for our 5th year anniversary dinner, and that I goto her family's thanksgiving this year dressed in guy clothes too.

All of these things are kind of similar in that they are essentially requesting that I not only stop my transition but reverse it, if even for just a day. I'm so against detransition that the thought of dressing up in guy clothes for any time more than I already have to (ie at work) is terrifying. I also think that if I do it once, everyone will expect that I can do it again and I do not want to put that kind of implication out there.

My wife claims that I should try to gradually transition which is a good point and frankly I did try that....I started it by only coming to my parents' house with nail polish on and they suddenly banned me from coming over that way which only hastened my transition.

Speaking of transition, it's interesting because for a long time I thought that my transition would begin when i started hormones or maybe when I went full time at work. But in reality, my transition has already begun.....when did it begin? When I found self acceptance in myself and knew that this was the path I needed to take.

I know that some of you will probably agree that I should take this time to dress up in guy clothes to be with my family but I sincerely think that it would hold serious consequences and would in general be backpedaling. I am moving forward and my counselor is helping me not do it so fast but I am moving forward.

Halloween Happenings

So I went to a halloween party last night in Seattle with a couple friends. I wore my cheerleading outfit and was feeling pretty good about that. Met some new people, danced a little, drank a little, hung out with friends, and just had a good time in general. But 2 things happened that night that struck me.

The first thing was while I was in line to get a drink from the bar, a guy walked up to me and asked if it was the line for the bar and I said yes and then he actually asked me, "btw, are you a woman?". And I can still hear him saying those words in my head. It's a rather rude question to ask someone, really. I was telling my wife the other day that it's rude to ask if somebody is "trans" whether they are or not, it's just plain rude. Well my response to this gentleman was "I'm trans". He said "ah ok, well it's a great costume" and then he sped off. But I was left thinking about his question and my response. I know that halloween is a time for guys to dress up as girls sometimes whether they are trans or not so it can be a night where people question you or read you. So really I guess it was a good thing that he had to ask...maybe I passed well enough (given of course the situation of it being dark and everyone drinking). More concerning to me than his question however, was my automatic response. Why couldn't I have said "Yes, I'm a woman"? If I could go back and do it again, that is what I would say but I think this shows that there's still part of me that's ashamed of my body not being right.....I can say I'm a woman inside but my automatic response because of the fact that my body still appears male (at least when naked) made me blurt out that I was trans, like it was some way of telling the truth because saying I was a woman would've been a lie. But it's not a lie, it's just a partial truth because in soul and in heart and in mind, I AM a woman....and yet the body and actions are still in transition to be made right. And now when I think about that situation, the tendrils of regret for my response entangle me still.

The other thing that hit me that night was actually after the party. We went to my friend's house and her and her fiance were going to go in the jacuzzi. They had talked about this previously and I had thought about joining them maybe someday in the future. But they somehow convinced me that it would be ok to do so that night. I was nervous and yet excited. She had a spare one piece suit that would fit me and since I was self conscious about my lack of bust, she suggested I just keep my forms in under my suit. Minutes later, I found myself looking at a girl in a bathing suit in the mirror. Never mind that my hips weren't extra big or that my tummy was not completely trim....standing in front of me was a woman in a bathing suit and she looked beautiful. I know that underneath the suit there were breast forms as well as a bad tuck job but outside of the suit, I really and truly looked like the girl I was supposed to be. It was like a foreshadowing of what was to come and it gladdened my heart. We didn't even end up going in the jacuzzi because it was luke warm but my night had already been made so I really didn't care.

Thanks Elayne and Brent for inviting me to the party and encouraging me to peek out from underneath my self consciousness.

Follow Confusion

Just a quick note. You other bloggers might have noticed 1 less follower. I realized yesterday that I had been following blogs via my Yahoo! Google Friend account and really wanted to follow them with my blogger account. So I followed a few with my blogger account only to realize that I was following with both! I figured out how to unfollow with the google friend account today so I should just be following with 1 account now :)

Contrasting Everyday Life

Once again my wife brought some insight to me without realizing it. She was complaining that I was gone all the time now and wasn't around to spend time with her very often. I started to think about it, I had counseling 2 nights a week, support group once a week, and then various meetups one-on-one or more scattered throughout the week. It was enlightening to see such a change from how I used to be.

My wife and I have always been home-bodies. We'd stay home most nights and watch shows or play computer games. Even in college and high school, you could find me reading a book quietly or working on some computer project or playing computer games in my room. Sure I went out with friends occasionally but I still preferred being by myself. I did find solace in online computer games for a while...they consumed a good amount of my time. I've been tempted lately to go back to them because they really are fun but the amount of time required makes it not fun anymore.

And now I feel so much more comfortable with myself that I want to get out of the house. I want to be around people. I don't want to be alone in my room doing my own thing anymore. It's so different, so foreign to me....and yet even more crazy to me: others want to be around me too!

After thinking about this I can conclude that maybe because I was not comfortable in my own skin, I stayed in my room, stayed alone....and now I feel so free, so at peace....that I can get out and meet people. It's quite a contrast.

Unbelievable

Amazing
how the ones you love the most
can turn their back on you the worst.
Dumbfounding
that alcoholism and pregnancy out of wedlock
can all be forgiven
but not being true to one's self.
Bewildering
the things you'd never thought would happen
can come on you in an instant.
Incredible
how many friends you thought would turn their back
are there with open arms, accepting and loving.
Perplexing
the thought that this might be permanent
that they may never come around.
Unbelievable.

Feeling a bit ugly

Well the last few days following my first laser hair removal treatment on my face have been interesting. My face was just raw the first day and I didn't dare touch it with shaving or foundation but the next day I did and all seemed fairly fine. Well the following couple days including today, I've been breaking out with bad acne all over my neck and chin mostly. Not just white heads but actual red lesions all over. Yuck. Apparently, the hair as it's pushing out causes extra oil in the skin which causes the extra acne or something.

At first glance it might just look like I cut myself shaving or something so it hasn't caused any questions at work at least...but when I get home and put my usual makeup on, I get the joy of seeing a lumpy foundation covered face. =/

I've continued cleansing my face in the morning and exfoliating at night and also using the moisturizing lotion I bought from the Laser center place. My friends that have gone through laser before tell me that it's normal to experience some acne but after showing one of them how bad it was, even she was surprised. I am only on day 6 and most people say it takes 12-14 days to see the rest of the hair fall out so I guess I just have to be patient. Just one of the many experiences I have to go through. I'll cling to the pain and ugliness knowing it's only part of the transitional period of truly being able to be myself.

Laser Hair Removal Hurts!

So today I had my first Laser Hair Removal treatment.

I had a friend warn me the night before that it would really hurt and I should get a tropical anesthetic. Well I figured I'd try it without just in case and I didn't have time to get a prescription. In a way, I'm glad I did so I know the worst and anything else will hopefully be not as bad lol.

I went in and they laid me down and they blew this like AC unit on my face for a while then the gal gave me some sunglasses to protect my eyes from the laser and she began. She was holding a gun-like object that she pressed against my skin and clicked and you feel a jolt along a line of your skin. She moves the gun and does it again, rinse and repeat. They had previously said it's like taking a rubber band and snapping it on your skin...well let's just say it seemed to be worse than that lol. It wasn't as bad on my neck (surprising to me because that's usually where I cut myself the most when shaving) but more on the chin and upper lip.

The gal had said to raise my hand if I needed a break but I endured the whole time...near the end she started speeding up, maybe because she could sense I just wanted it over with hah.

She then rubbed off the gel she had put on earlier and a lot of hair came with it! She said that was a really good reaction. I went home and looked into the mirror and I was surprised to see that a lot of hair was gone and the shadow wasn't showing as much already! Pretty crazy. They say that the hair won't really start falling out till a few days after so I'm pretty hyped to already see some results.

Scheduled my next appointment for November but this time I'll definitely get the anesthetic somehow!

The Girl Inside

I'm a girl. I realize I don't look like one physically right now but inside, I am a girl. For a long time I asked myself "why?". Why do I think I'm a girl? Is it the clothes? The accessories? The feminine shape? The different kind of relationships held between girls? Was it that I didn't feel man enough?

All of these questions and so many more went through my head, trying to figure out why I felt this way. The fact of the matter is....all of the answers to these questions did not even come close to adding up to the feeling I have inside me. The feeling that something was not right with my life...with my own body.

I agreed to marry Jessica almost 5 years ago, before God. The pastors words still ring in my head "Marriage is not something to be taken lightly....but it is something to be taken soberly." Was I really sober in that moment? Was I really ever myself? In that moment and every moment before and after?

Growing up, I was a pretty normal boy. I had a lot of ambition and I was very independent. My mother had a very controlling spirit and I complied unquestioningly most of my life because I loved her dearly and the thought of her being hurt in any way was too unbearable. It's because of this that I believe I hid these inner feelings of "something not right"...even from myself. Many people I have told about what's going on in my life have been very confused. They say "But you are the rock! You are the strong one!" Well I believe I was so much the rock, the strong one...that I buried these feelings deep inside myself so I could live as the man everyone around me needed me to be.

I reached out to girls constantly. I can name every girl I've ever longed for companionship with since kindergarten. You think I'm kidding: Lagine, Sarah, Tiffany, Sheila, Amy, Nicole, Michelle, Anne, Rachel, Marisa, Leigh, Jasmine, Schuyler, Su, Kaylin, Sarah, Cathy, Jessica. Ok I might've missed a couple. The point is there was something missing in my life and somehow I realized this and reached out to other girls.

In 4th grade, I remember telling the girl I had a crush on that I "wanted to be a girl". That seems to be the first peek I have of my true feelings from my past. The girl was kind of tomboyish and didn't really think much of it, I guess. I do remember her asking me to the valentine's dance the next year....it's interesting to think of the role reversal there.

In high school, I allowed another friend of mine to paint my nails. This brought on mixed emotions.....a moment of giddiness trapped inside a hurricane of doubt and despair. I kept them painted all the next day at school and enjoyed it. If anyone asked about them, I blamed it on my friend, claiming she "made me do it". That night, I made her take the polish off....my life would not allow me to be what I wanted to be.

I clung to the fact that my body was male so that's how I should live my life. That's what made everyone else happy, that's what made my mom happy.

Another time in high school, the same friend that painted my nails.....dressed up a good friend of mine in a dress and did his makeup and took his picture. I remember hearing about it and seeing the pictures and once again being caught up in a hurricane of emotions....jealousy surrounded and covered by laughter. I laughed at how ridiculous my friend looked in the pictures and yet inside I was dying, completely dying to have been in his place.

Everything I did growing up seemed to be overcompensating for these feelings inside. I sang bass in choir....refused to sing in the upper registers because that wasn't "manly". I often had people mistake me for a girl for some reason and I was deeply offended by it. I cut my hair short often because of it. I was deathly afraid of accidentally buying articles of clothing or things like sunglasses that were women's. If something looked unisex, I steered clear as well. I even started drinking beer because too many of my friends would talk about other drinks like they were "for girls". My point here is NOT that these things are all girly or all manly. My point is that I did everything in my power to steer clear from these feelings I had inside.

I continued to do all the "right" things a boy growing into a man should do. I graduated from High school, was successful in the workplace very early on, I spent a lot of my free time constructively teaching myself how to write software and fix computers, I went to college, I got married, made successful job moves that resulted in higher salary, bought a house, began working on "having kids". Mind you, this whole time I was walking with the Lord as well. I was involved in different outreach ministries and playing the bass guitar on the worship team. I continually tried to be the man of God that everyone needed me to be. But I didn't realize that the pot of discord in my soul was still being stirred.

During our marriage there were a couple times that I found myself dressing up in Jessica's lingerie in the bedroom. I tried to make it seem like it was her idea , that she was "making me" do it. Much like the way my friend in high school dressed up my other friend. There was a mixture of that same feeling.....something from inside coming out.....only to be pressed back down again. Each time this happened, it was just a quick encounter that ended by taking the clothes off and going back to my life as a man. One or two of the times I had been drinking too much and Jessica would come home to find me dressed up in such a way and I'd be making the lame excuse that she "made me do it telepathically". At the time, I didn't know what all this meant, I just buried it all again as soon as I could.

Fast forward to Year 2009. March. I started reading an online webcomic in which part of the plot line involved a guy being accidentally transformed into a girl. I know it sounds stupid....lots of people have read this comic and never had anything happen to them. But when I read it, something inside me, among all the discord I'd been hiding my whole life, completely snapped. It was like that pot of discord being stirred in my soul suddenly had an avenue to come out!

Soon after this, I found myself at a church men's retreat. As with many other times, I felt so out of place surrounded by all of these men. Even more than usual, something just wasn't right. I came home that weekend and suggested to Jessica that we dress me up in a dress and makeup and hang around the house together as 2 girls. Jessica went along with it mostly because every other time this had happened, it was short-lived. She didn't understand it any more than i did. What she didn't realize was this time, it was totally different. It was no longer something for the bedroom....it was exploring a side of me I had buried for so long.

She showed me how to do some basic makeup and dressed me up in a full dress. She also curled my hair a little to make it look a little more feminine. I still remember looking into the mirror that day and seeing a glimpse of the girl inside. The feeling inside was indescribable. It was like the hurricane of chaos inside my heart became immediately completely still. The sense of completeness and peace in my heart and soul was so serene. My heart started beating furiously and a million butterflies fluttered in my stomach. It was like all of those feelings I had buried for so long came rushing back out of me in a torrent of howling rain in all directions.

The next few months resulted in me dressing as a woman around the house sometimes when I was at home. It had a deep impact on our marriage and Jessica tried to compromise to minimize how often it happened. That seemed to work for a while but I knew that she hated it.

One day I decided I was going to go outside dressed as a woman. It was something very simple: getting the mail. The experience was exhilarating and yet because of it, Jessica suggested I start seeing a counselor.

So I did just that. I began seeing a psychologist who was also an elder at my church. He helped me explore my past and realize that I had kept many feelings hidden from even myself. He did not however think it had anything to do with gender despite where I felt the facts lay. He even admitted to not having experience in the 'gender' areas of the psychology world. Because of this, I decide to seek out a counselor who did have such experience.

But before that happened, I stopped dressing up. It came to me the day after I had a wonderful dress up day. I felt like a beautiful girl and the mirror seemed to show that, even though the camera would not. That day I realized that somehow, someway I needed to do more than just dress up at home. Something else needed to be done. I was talking with some other people online when somebody made the joking suggestion that my crossdressing was just a clear path to transitioning to an actual woman, physically. Note: many crossdressers are satisfied with just dressing as a woman once in a while so this is not true for everyone but for me, the realization of it hit me like a truck. If I continued on this path of crossdressing, I would not...I could not....stop until I was a woman in physical form. The thought of this scared me. My 27 years of suppressing these feelings were instantly upon me once again telling me why I should not be doing this....I was born a boy...I should be a man. So I did what I had done all my life. I got rid of all of those feelings, all of those clothes, those high-heeled shoes, the makeup, all of it. Sold it on ebay, gave it away.

Everyone that knew about what was going on supported me in my decision. It felt like the right thing to do and yet I descended into great depression. Everyday was dreary. I went to work, I came home, I slept. That was it. I was going through the motions. I could no longer live my life now knowing that I was not living it as myself. Jessica hated seeing me so depressed and yet she knew she couldn't handle me becoming a woman. The more time went on, the more I knew I couldn't survive like this. I started to realize that no matter what reasons I could come up with how I felt like I felt...there was always something deeper. This led me to believe the only explanation was that there was something inside me that knew something was different.....it must be biological, chemical.

The theory is that the human fetus is inherently female in the womb. The chromosomes XX and XY determine the sex of the baby but they are for most of the pregnancy just the instructions that tell the body when to send waves of hormones (testosterone for boys, estrogen for girls) into the fetus to shape the organs for the correct sex. What happens in some cases is that the gonads are correctly formed but something goes wrong in the process and the brain is left in the wrong state to match the sexual organs. The child is then left with a female brain inside a male body.

So what about God? God doesn't make mistakes, does he? Well I don't believe He does. But he did give us free will. The choice to do good or do evil. Doing evil is equal to sin and sin has consequences and those consequences involve many different things , not just in the lives of those who make them but also in their children. I'll use the example of Jessica's infertility problems as an analogy. Did God mean for her to have trouble conceiving a child? I don't believe so in the least! If we didn't have free will and we always made good choices and so did our parents and our parents' parents....then the world would not be the broken place it is. Great grandma Joline might not've been smoking when she had her daughter Kristy who then passed down a defective gene to her daughter and to her daughter and to hers, all the way down to Jessica who now has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and therefore trouble conceiving children.

Now that Jessica has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, should she just trust God and keep trying to conceive hoping for a miracle alone? Or should she seek out the help of the doctors of our world and the technology that God has allowed for her to still conceive children? I believe God gave us a brain, we should therefore use it.

In the same way if your child gets deathly sick, do you wait on God for a miracle? Or do you take them to the doctor? I think the answer is quite rhetorical.

So back to me. I really and truly believe I should have been born a girl. God meant for me to be born a girl. Something happened, be it free will, sin, whatever it was...something chemical, biological happened in the process of my birth that caused me to be born in a male body. All my life I denied it and once I realized the truth, I could no longer live in that ignorance.

Should I then deny it? Should I wait for God to do a miracle? Or should I look to medical means to fix my condition....similar to Jessica's plight for having kids? Again, the answer is quite rhetorical.

Once I had realized all of these things and started to believe them, the guys at my bible study group, after being notified by my wife about my change of heart, had to tell me how wrong I was based on their knowledge of scripture and what they thought they understood about me and what I should or shouldn't do. I went willingly to these sessions, there were 2 of them in total. They both ended up with me crying my eyes out because I knew what they were saying but I also knew what was going on inside me. The second time this happened, I decided that the only way to solve the problem was to end it all.

I drove home that night with full intent of killing myself. I would go home, shut the garage, and leave the truck running until I passed out from carbon monoxide poisoning. Well I got home and my wife was getting out of her car so I didn't have the chance. But the next morning, I woke up at 5am and did just that. I texted a message to a choice few that knew what was going on with a short note telling them that I was sorry for being selfish but I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like maybe God would rather have me dead than be a woman. One friend of mine called me back immediately and tried to talk me out of it but I told him I was going thru with it. My wife woke up suddenly and put a stop to it though. What resulted was a hospital visit and then a few days in the psych ward at the hospital because I couldn't honestly say I wouldn't try it again.

Shortly after coming out of the psych ward, I decided to see another counselor....one with Gender Identity experience. Once I started seeing her, I was amazed. She told me from the very start that she would support me in whatever my decision was as far as transitioning or not. I knew that my other counselor would not show the same support. He would always choose to direct me away from any possibilities of this being something I was born with and try to explain it in any other possible means necessary. So after only a couple sessions with my new counselor, I stopped seeing the old one.

Well a month or two has gone by and I am now in the midst of self acceptance. I'm no longer thinking "I want to be a girl". I really and truly believe I AM a girl inside. And that's ok. I realize this complicates things with my marriage and at this point in my life I don't blame Jessica if she wants out. I know I need to do this. I need to be myself and not be who everyone else around me wants or needs me to be. My family of course has taken it pretty hard as well....they like many others do not understand at all. I can only hope that in time they can come to love and accept me as the daughter and sister I was supposed to be.

So some of you might ask what to call me now, do I have a name in mind? Yes, I do. Debra. You might also be asking if I like men now. Well I don't. There's nothing about a man's body that's attractive to me. I have heard that some people's perspectives can change regarding this after being on hormones for a time and I'm open to that possibility. For now, I'm still committed to Jessica but I do believe at this point in our lives that she would be better off without me. The man she needs is no longer here and she does not want to raise kids with another woman.

We are trying to sell our house in the midst of a foreclosure. Jessica's bouts of unemployment being one cause but also the cost of transition and the state of our marriage hanging in the balance.

This week, I'm starting laser hair removal on my face to get rid of my beard. Over a week ago I began living life as Debra almost everyday but still outside of work. Next month, I will store some sperm for preservation in case I still want kids in the future and shortly after I will hopefully begin Hormone Replacement Therapy which will start the process of my biological transition to womanhood. I envision 6 months after that , living "full time" as Debra including at work when hopefully my hair will have grown out as well as some other milestones that will make me and my coworkers more comfortable. At that point, I'll also legally change my name and my gender marker on my driver's license. I envision scheduling the final surgery, Gender Reassignment Surgery, for sometime 1+ years or more after such a time as I go full time at work.

I've been asked not to take communion at my church because the elders believe what I'm doing is wrong in the eyes of God. I , however, believe that God still loves me and understands what I'm going through and therefore feel like taking communion is really between me and God. But out of respect for the elders, I've committed to stop going to that church which also frees me up to visit other churches as myself, Debra.

So that's where I'm at as of October 13, 2009. Things could change but I can see a clear path ahead of me. Thank you to those of you who openly accept and support me for who I am but also to those of you who still love me even if you can't accept or support who I am and what I feel I need to do.

28

27 years and 363 days ago

a girl was born

in a little boy's frame.

Love and comfort

were all that was desired

27 years and 364 days ago

a girl cried out

'Love me for who I am'

but nobody answered

nobody understood.

28 years ago

a girl adapted

to life as a boy

out of pure need and love

for those around her.

28 years and 1 day later

a girl returns

on a straight path

to who she really is

knowing that path could be as lonely

as her 28th birthday

alone.

Baby Steps

So a lot has happened since my wife and I originally decided that we were going to temporarily separate. We were preparing for that and then she came home one night from counseling and told me she was going to stay with me. But she said that she would never acknowledge or accept me as a woman even through HRT and SRS. She said her counselor told her that me saying I was a girl inside was like me saying I was a "frog" and that her acknowledging that and helping me in any way with that would be like feeding me "flies".

I felt devastated to hear that. I didn't know what to do. I felt like her staying with me and not accepting me was like her leaving me all over again except even worse. I did take the news differently in one way. That night, I shaved my legs, chest, stomach, and armpits for the first time in over 2 months. I also pulled out the leftover girl's clothes that my wife didn't sell or give away and began sleeping in a nightie once again. I also began wearing women's underwear exclusively.

Originally I had been waiting till we separated before I started dressing again but now that she was staying I saw no reason to wait. I saw my counselor shortly after and have talked to lots of friends with different opinions. At this point, I think the best thing to do is continue on my path to transition and try to love my wife along the way and be thankful that she is staying with me. I can only hope that she will either learn to love me and accept me for who I am, a girl....or decide that she can no longer take it and leave me to go on with her life at some point along the way.

In the meantime, I'm taking baby steps. I've begun dressing as often as I can when I'm at home. This week that included a lot of new experiences for me including:

1. Getting fit for a wig at a wig shop instead of buying one online.

2. Getting my ears pierced!

3. Going to Payless and trying on shoes and buying them instead of buying them online.

4. Making an appointment to get my legs waxed professionally

5. Trying on and buying new girl's clothes at a department store.

It's weird but I feel so much more empowered now that I am finally accepting that I really am a girl. I've also noticed other changes in myself that involve how I react to things. I'm no longer freaking out (for the most part) when my wife leaves for hours at a time when I'm dressed up. Instead I feel .....patience. Or when she calls me a "monster"....I feel annoyed instead of hurt. Annoyed because I know it's not true. Yes I can still acknowledge she has feelings and they are valid but I am trying to learn to not take them on as my burden. And thats the case for everyone around me.

The next few steps involve the short sale of our house and getting my sperm banked before going on hormone replacement therapy. Those couple steps are actually quite big and might take a while too. Right now it's just a matter of taking it day by day and continuing to try to be myself and love my wife and my God and those around me in every way I can.

Glimpse

The sun rises in the east

a new day is born
sheathes fall from newborn eyes
tresses of light stream across
illuminating what once was hidden
a word written clearly on my heart
only a glimpse is caught
before sudden sunset
and darkness falls.

Possible Separation

Today my wife and I went down to see her parents and goto the fair. On the way down she started discussing the possibility of separating for a time. Neither of us know what that would really look like. We'd share the same finances still, I'd stay at the house and she'd live somewhere else temporarily until I either decide to transition or decide that it is not right for me and that I want to fight it and stay married to her.

She has been in a lot of pain over the last few days because of me and her sexual thoughts about being with another woman. She thinks those thoughts are wrong so all she can do is feel guilty constantly. She even said she felt guilty hugging or kissing me because she felt like I was being too feminine and she felt like she was stumbling from her own sexual desires of being with a woman.

Anyway, I agreed that this was something we should probably do. I think that it sounds like she needs some time away from me because of how I'm making her feel and I could use some time away from her to try to realize what life would be like without her because I will lose her if I go forward with transition. I can imagine crossdressing again as well if this happens.

We will both pray about this more and she wants my father's blessing as well before we go forward with it. Not to mention she'll need to work out living accommodations with her parents or people from church.

I don't want to do this but I know this is a step down the road I am traveling. Unless I turn back, I must accept the consequences.

I'm alive

Well I'm alive.

Around this time last week, I was starting up my truck with the garage closed, ready to end it all.

The night before, the guys at my bible study had confronted me once again saying many things and saying them very forcefully, harsh, and fiercely. They said even if I was born with this tendency that I should still fight it. They said that if they heard I was on the forums or blogs or seeing a gender counselor, they would bring me to the next level of church discipline, to the elders. Once again they would deny me others' points of view. They said they had to protect my wife. They also said I would go to hell if I became a woman and that I would no longer be invited to group.

Anyway, I drove home ready to kill myself. Their logic rang in my head:

"God would rather have me dead than become a woman."

Well my wife happened to be getting out of her car when I got home so I did not have the chance. But Wednesday morning at around 5am (my wife was still sleeping), I got up, got dressed, and wrote some last words, texted them to a choice few, and started up the truck with the windows down.

My best friend called back immediately, he had been up because of a pager call for work. He said "Don't do this, man." I told him I couldn't take it anymore. He begged me to open the garage and I could hear him getting into his car. I told him he would be too late (it would take him 30 min to get there). I got cut off at some point, thank you AT&T, but my wife woke up, noticed I wasn't in bed and was worried. She came downstairs and heard the engine running. She immediately opened the garage and I shut the engine off and just sat there, numb.

She threw some clothes on and came and sat in the truck with me for a couple minutes. I told her I would go to work and she told me no that she would call my work and let them know that I couldn't go today. So I said I'd go back to bed. She said I should talk to someone. Nobody I wanted to talk to was up so she ended up calling 9-1-1 and the cops came. I went voluntarily to the Emergency Room at the hospital.

They tested me for CO poisoning and said I had less CO than the average smoker. Apparently my plan didn't get very far. I told the social worker and doctor that the reasoning behind it all had to do with transgender feelings I had been experiencing. They said if I could sign a paper honestly that said I wouldn't try again, I could go home. I knew I couldn't sign it honestly at that point so they got me a bed at the psych ward at another hospital and I spent a few days there, reflecting. It was kind of lonely and boring there but the people there were good people. I was able to easily put myself out there and they were all accepting/affirming. It's kind of funny, they were all sad to see me go and I was sad to leave them.

I went and saw my counselor the day I got out (Friday). He didn't agree with what the guys at bible study had done, he asked my wife if she thought it was 'helpful' what they did. She has defended what they did saying they did it out of love. I know they did it out of love but the way they did it was hurtful. And threatening to bring me up with the church when I haven't even done anything yet was ridiculous.

When I was in the ward and my family came to visit me during visiting hours, my brother (who started getting drunk immediately when he heard I had tried to commit suicide) actually made some sense. Did I want to go down the hard path of becoming a woman or the hard path of staying the same. Both would be hard but only one, I would not be alone. Only one, my wife would not leave me. It made total logical sense in my head that I should fight to keep my wife and yet in my heart, I still felt no guilt, no wrong for feeling this way, for wanting to be a woman. Talk about inner clash, brain and heart.

So at this point, I'm seeing my counselor twice a week now. I asked him if I should see a gender counselor and whether I should stop talking to my transsexual friends online and he said it was my choice. He didn't threaten to bring it up with the church. I then asked his opinion and he said he thought either would be harmful to me right now.

The psychiatrist and social worker at the psych ward both suggested that I should see a gender-experienced counselor. As did my Primary Care Physician. So I don't think I'm being unreasonable about seeing one but I do wonder why my current counselor thinks it would be harmful. Why does everyone want to deny me information? Shouldn't I be able to make an educated decision once I'm informed of all sides and possibilities?

My counselor did of course say that it was my choice. But I do think his opinion matters. Of course part of my problem is that I tend to want to please everyone around me. In fact, I think the reason this has all come up now is because I've tried to please everyone my whole life. I denied these kinds of feelings my whole life to try to be someone everyone else wanted me to be. I did well in school, didn't rebel much, went to college, got married, was working on kids......

And right now everyone around me once again wants me to be something they want me to be and I'm trying to adhere to that and suffering because of it.

To Heart

What have you done?
Did you think you could get through to me
with threats and condemnation?
Did you really think
that would be helpful?
Are you words really chosen out of love
when they're spoken
with such fierceness?
Is that needed?
Do you know how much you've hurt me?
I cannot blame you for my own actions
but state of mind can be accountable.
You do realize that I have not even made a decison
don't you?
How can you condemn me when I have not even begun?
What church discipline can be brought up on me
for future prospects, yet undecided?
I stood on the brink, trying to understand
instead of embracing me in Jesus
you chose to shove me over.
Your harsh words still ring in my head;
do you think that makes me feel loved?
I opened my heart, have been honest from the start
and yet by doing so, I only get it thrown
back in my face.
Did God call you to treat me so?
Is that your righteous reasoning?
These words of mine are not meant to afflict
but to express that which could not be shown
without careful contemplation,
insightful isolation, and retreating reflection;
this is how I feel brother
take it to heart.

Investigation

So it's been a while since I've posted publicly. So many people seem to know about what's going on in my life right now I kind of had to retreat into my shell for a bit.

These are the things people have been telling me:

1. God made me a man and He doesn't make mistakes
   
2. I am treating this like an idol
   
3. It's shameful for a man's hair to grow long
   
4. A man should not wear women's clothes
   
5. I am rejecting God by doing this
   
6. I am rejecting my wife and her family by doing this
   
7. I should suffer and be self-sacrificing instead of going through with this
   
8. I will be excommunicated from the church
   
9. These thoughts and desires come from Satan, not from inside me
   
10. I should not do ANYTHING feminine, ever.
    
11. I should love my wife and not myself
    
12. The phrase "You must love yourself before you can love others" is not true
    
13. I will never really be a woman
    
14. God will still see my spirit as a man
    
15. I will lose my salvation
    
16. I will go to hell
    
17. I should not explore the other side of these arguments, just accept this side as truth
    
18. I am not being strong enough
    
19. I should just be happy being a feminine, tender-hearted guy
    
20. This is like a porn addiction and can be suppressed similarly
    
21. If God doesn't take this away then I should live with it for the rest of my life
    
22. He made us male and female for a reason
    

Etc, etc, and so forth. And then they wonder why I have these sudden thoughts of suicide???

My response has been to retreat a bit and try to investigate what is true and right. All my life I was raised in the Christian church and with the belief that homosexuality and transgenderism is a sin. I never even questioned it, it was so ingrained. It's probably part of the reason I buried any of these transgender feelings while I was growing up in the first place. Now that I'm feeling these feelings I'm starting to wonder.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not questioning whether God exists or the bible is true. I still believe those things and have tested those things in my mind all throughout growing up. It just never occured to me that translation and interpretation could be compromised or that there could be validity to other interpretations. Now, I'm also not saying I now suddenly believe that homosexuality is right. I just don't know right now. I'm still searching my heart and trying to understand what is going on there as well as what God really considers true and right.

It's hard though. I've been told that the voice of God is through the Bible and other Christians around me speaking scripture from it. Yet everyone around me is always speaking against this as they have my whole life. It was easy to believe and agree when it wasn't so personal.

I know God made me a man on the outside but circumstances that He allowed to happen (whether that be how my fetus was formed and/or how I was conditioned in the early years of my life) have produced these feelings that I have been having.

One comparison is to a hermaphrodite being born. God allowed that to happen. Should that person be forced to live like that because God created him/her like that or should they be allowed to choose to become a whole man or a whole woman? And what about a child born blind? If we have the technology, shouldn't we try to cure their blindness? The only difference between me and these examples is that theirs are much more obvious on the outside where as the only ones who really know what's going on inside myself are me and God. Everyone else just sees it as a struggle to overcome and get on with my life as a man.

My wife loves me so much and I love her equally as much. But she has said over and over that the second I start on Hormone Replacement Therapy, she will leave me because:

1. She believes what I'm doing is wrong and a sin
   
2. She believes that she should not be in an intimate relationship with a woman.
   

She has also voiced that no matter what I do to my body, God will always see my soul as a man, that I will always still just be a man. I laugh at the obvious contradiction to one of the reasons she would leave me. I just wish she could see what I see...that it will still be me. She didn't marry my genitals. She married me for my heart. That will not change. But she doesn't see it that way.

From here on out, I'm still trying to get in contact with some other counselors while still seeing my current one. I'd like to research other arguments but at the same time, continue praying and reading the word to really hear from God what it is He wants me to do.

If this IS wrong, what I want to do, then I need to NOT do it somehow. But if it's right and God understands and still loves me, I will most likely want to go through with it. Everyone else doesn't really matter frankly. Just me and God. If my wife wants to leave me because of her beliefs then so be it. It would be hard but while she thinks I'd be rejecting her I'd see it as quite the opposite.

Ocean

Where are you Lord?
Why have you forsaken me?
I cannot do this alone
you know that.
Why have you abandoned me?
Wretched am I
lowest of low
drowning in despair
I'm reaching up to you
but you look down
silently.
How can you love me
and yet let this happen
to me?
Won't you end my suffering?
How can I find joy in this?
Where is your grace, Lord?
All I feel is torment
an overwhelming ocean.

Black

Black as the night
I'm covered in it
denied of being myself
by those that would condemn me.
And even those that dont convict
simply do not understand
thinking it to be
stupidly simple vanity.
If this is so wrong, Lord
why have you not taken it
away?
Why does my grip on life
begin to lose its hold
every single day?
They would have me live a lie
to make everyone around me
happy.
Yet the other option,
live true to self
is back to black.

The Hurt is real

I've been in suppression mode for over a month now as most of you know. I've continued counseling once a week and tried to find some kind of balance. I bought a lot of cheap men's jewelry on ebay. Had my wife sell my stuff on ebay (which killed me inside), still painting my nails clear as well.

Everyone continues to tell me what I'm doing is sin. That my desires are sin. And I can see how they can say that because becoming a woman would be very destructive to my life. My family, friends, work, and church. But after a while of suppressing, I've also realized that suppressing will do a crazy destructive work to my soul. A lose-lose situation. My counselor believes that the longing/hurt inside of me is real and true. But that the desire to be a woman is just a side effect that can be translated into something else. Because everything else is a lose-lose situation, I am willing to listen to him because I'd rather have something that doesn't have loss. But as much as he talks about it, I don't see how it can happen so in the meantime I'm still in suppression mode.

Everyone around me just assumes that I'm fighting this because I'm not dressing but what I've tried to make clear to them is that nothing has changed inside me.

I came out to my mom today. Well lets start at the beginning of the day. I didnt want to get out of bed. My wife wouldnt let me mope and we ended up talking a bunch as usual. I really and truly felt suicidal this morning. I looked up on the net about painless ways to die and remembered the whole car running in the garage thing. Well after voicing some of this to my wife she started worrying more than usual and she said that she thought even my family and her would rather I be a woman than dead. I finally seemed to get it thru her head how much this hurts. That I know the destruction it would cause. I realize that she would leave me and I don't blame her. She cried a lot and so did I. We went to my parents house and my wife told my mom I was having suicidal thoughts while my dad and I were going for a walk. My dad suggested that I tell my mom because she'd probably be probing him for answers anyway.

So I did. I think the fact that she knew I was suicidal must've helped the case because she said she would always still love me no matter what and would truly rather have me as a woman than not here at all. I talked some about the transition process and answered both mom's and dad's questions. It actually went very well and way better than I expected.

So that's kind of where I'm at. I'm still in suppression mode and seeing my counselor. My wife and I are going to pray fervently over the next month and see where I'm at afterwards. I do still hold out hope that there is a 3rd option to get healed somehow and not have to suppress or transition.

Trans Dreams

I had a few dreams last night. First night I've gotten more than 5 hours of sleep all week.

Dream #1

I was dressed up as a woman and I had my breast forms again. I was sitting at the computer in my parent's house that I grew up in when I was in elementary school.

My mother came in and came up to me and softly touched my breasts and said "What are these?" very innocently, sweetly. I said "Mom, they're my breast forms." She replied with the sweetest most loving and comforting voice: "You know, we can always get you real ones." My heart felt like it would burst with happiness before I woke up.

Dream #2

I was getting ready for work and I put on a dress. But I remember like putting on clothes over it and for some reason wearing suspenders too. Weird, i know. I get home from work and take it all off and again it's like at my parent's old house when I was in grade school. My sister sees the dress and comments that it's very cute. I immediately tell her that I wore it to work and she shrugged her shoulders indifferently.

Both of those dreams showed the women in my growing up life being accepting of me. Their real reactions would be devastatingly hurtful.

Dream #3

I was on facebook and I saw that my mother had taken a quiz about me that I had created. One of the questions was "What % female am I?" and she had said 0% and I had put the answer as 90%. I remember feeling dread knowing she had taken the quiz and might know something was up because of that question.

Dream #4

This one was not a trans-dream or in any relation as far as I can tell. I met a hot chick and was hanging out with her somewhere. At some point I got too close to a garbage can or something and the smell was on my clothes. I remember wearing my green shirt with black long sleeves. We went back to her place and i met her roommates. All the girls in the dream were very pretty and had very well done purple eyeshadow. They complained about the garbage smell and I felt self conscious and apologized and said I'd go home and shower. The chick didn't want me to leave and I almost invited her to come with me and hang out at my place. I figured we'd probably end up making out or something and it was then that it struck me that I was married! What was I even doing? And I looked down at my hand and it did still have my wedding ring on it. I wonder if she had noticed. Then I woke up.

COGIATI Test Results

Your COGIATI result value is: 230 Which means that you fall within the following category:

COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL

What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' tanssexual.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:

Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.

The suggestions for your circumstance are several.

1. It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, thought, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with caution.
2. Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals.
3. Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues.
4. If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender expression of various kinds. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender expression.

Relentless Façade

Serene Lagoon, glistening peacefully
seemingly lucid, bright sunrise ahead.
Yet beneath the surface, beyond the looking glass
the truth lies, bare and bound
enclosed and drowning, in the dark recesses.
A raging thunder without a sound
righteous ridicule, subliminal suggestion
crushing in from all sides.
There's no escape, except for abandoning air;
nowhere to turn, no understanding, nobody listening.
Amidst the pain, justified longing only intensifies
a constant screaming, piercing the soul
unable to escape this corporeal coil.
Steadily shamed and adamantly accused
frailty in yielding, impaired surrender.
Yet the only nemesis in need of confrontation
remains merely essence of self;
that which cannot be fought and won.
Helpless melancholy overtaking
there's nowhere to run.

Z-Axis

Realization and revelation
bring troubling clarity.
Two paths lay before me
both just as destructive
no matter what anybody
interjects.
The eastward path
means succumbing
to inner desires
at the possible expense of
love, family, friends
even employment;
yet striving to belong
The other option
is an inward battle
eating me alive
bitterness creeping in
feeding on depression
breeding hate
at the injustice of it all.
Where are the other paths?
Isn't there some other way?
I'm at the intersection
where's the Z axis?

Late night ponderings

Lately I've noticed women's breasts and the thoughts going on in my mind were totally different. Instead of simply enjoying their beauty, I find myself imagining myself with them. It's the weirdest thing. It seems like I'm living from moment to moment and in every moment is the desire to be a woman and yet at the same exact time there's a continuous cringing away from it and all that it entails...out of pure selfishness and laziness, mostly.

I stopped dressing over a month ago, I think. I'm not sure because I lost count of the days or weeks. I guess it's because I don't feel any different by not dressing. I feel like the outward action that was taking place in secret is now still taking place in my mind and heart and fighting to come out even more than it did while I was doing the outward action. I've brought the conflict inward.

In a way, the revelation that if I continued crossdressing, I'd want to become a woman, has opened up that desire in full force. Now instead of desiring to be dressed as a woman or seen as a woman, I desire to BE a woman. Dressing is not even a question really, it's such a temporary fulfilling thing that I want to get to the heart of the issue now. Then I can either become a woman or get over it somehow. Yes that is how my heart and mind think even today.

Everyone keeps telling me that Satan is the one telling me I need to be a woman. They also say that the Holy Spirit is telling me I need to stay a man. I'm not sure I believe them on either account. I just feel like both of those voices in my head are my own. They don't feel like somebody else, they are both me. They are both products of how I was made and raised and everything that's happened to me along the way.

Would Satan enjoy seeing my life destroyed by my wife leaving me, my blessed employment being removed, and/or my excommunication from my church and brothers who love me? Of course. Would God rather me stay a man, the way He created me to continue to commit to the vows of Holy Matrimony I made before him? Of course.

Do I have a choice? Do I have free will? I believe so. Sometimes God gives you choices in your life and you have to deal with the consequences. He has a better way and you can choose His way or the hard way. At this crossroads in my life, I realize that it would be very difficult to try to become a woman, especially at this stage in my life. I mean I'm married and going to have kids soon. But I also have a successful job and many loans weighing me down. Yet I feel like a teenage girl that never got to experience growing up. By becoming a woman, I would not be able to go back to being a teenage girl. It does seem like there would be more innocence though.

At the same time, the only other option is to constantly battle this desire and emotion. Continue being a man and fight for my happiness every day for the rest of my life. That sounds horrifying. I know Jesus says we will suffer for him and we should love others but how can I do that if I'm always tied up in my own battle inside?

Also if I do this, the consequences are obvious, it affects many other people all to find my own supposed happiness. But if I don't do this and let it consume me inside just to make others happy, I'll be bitter for the rest of my life.

Someone recently told me that there isn't really much of a difference between a man and a woman and I think in a way, they're right. God sees us all equally and loves us all equally. So what does it matter if I live this life as a woman or a man?

Helpless Pleading

Do you know
what you mean to me
brother?
Your life is not forfeit
no matter what you might think.
I know who you are
I see into your soul
I've known for years
even through my bitterness
my love for you
overflows.
Your identity
who you are
what you do
will always be
valued.
I know others have hurt you
a blazing fire anew
numbing it down
to a dull throb
but it won't leave you.
We have that in common
among others
we've both been hurt
deeply.
You were always the honest one
I see it now
while I buried it deep inside
and pretended it didn't
exist.
Can't you see the good in you?
Because we all see it
even your oppressors.
And despite the hurt
inflicted upon you
even they have always
loved you.
I wish I could tell you
everything was going to be
alright.
But as one going through something
myself
I know that there will always be times
of hurt
but there are also times of joy.
Like the joy of our renewed
relationship
Don't you realize we are like
newfound brothers now?
All those years we spent
distant
because of past relations
or lack thereof.
That can all change
you don't have to go thru this
alone.

I want to be a woman

I want to be a woman.

Something inside of me still cringes when I say that. From the beginnings of my crossdressing, I distanced myself from the idea of transitioning to full womanhood. Probably because it seemed to directly cross my beliefs that God doesn't make mistakes, or the fact that I know my wife would not be happy if I did so. More likely though, there's a part of me that still does NOT want to ever be a woman permanently. I think all of me is just fine with the fantasy-like idea of transforming into a woman (anatomically) but only in a mystical temporary way and always being able to change back to a man's body at some point. My wife would probably consider it more of an annoyance if this was possible. I can imagine her saying "Turn back! I need a man right now."

Of course in "real life", such a change is permanent, there is no going back. Even now I can imagine myself transitioning, despite possible loss of my wife, family, friends, and church. Maybe I think that I could go through the process and repent after the change. Of course true repentance at that point would be dressing like a man again, making some sort of effort in that way even though anatomically I'd be a woman. Think about that. A woman, once a man, dressing as a man once again. How excruciatingly frustrating can you get. Horrifying even. I desire this so bad that thinking of receiving it and then being denied all that goes with it.....there are just no words to describe the agony.

But knowing that there's something inside of me that really selfishly still does not want to be a woman is weird. My Christian brothers have told me that it's the Holy Spirit talking to me but I feel like it's something more selfish than that. I mean of course there's the rejection that would happen, from work, family, friends, etc but there's more to this side of me. It's like the center of my identity. This part of me, this realization of who I am that's been with me since it awakened in childhood. All I've known is that I'm a man or that I was a boy. That core is still there and does not want to change because it's all it has ever known.

I sometimes talk about this as a battle between my masculine self and feminine self. It really does feel that way. Almost like two separate entities. The female self longs for all that is female and embraces all of my qualities that I consider feminine. The male side abhors those qualities even if purely out of constantly repressing them. And I'm in the middle trying to find balance between these two entities and failing miserably. That's why crossdressing alone was going nowhere. It was a temporary reprieve for the female side but after years of suppression, it is very strong and wanting to go all the way. And the male side through all of this has been ok with it for the most part because the facts are that it's ok to have these qualities and the male side of me does want to be attractive too. But thoughts of transitioning to full womanhood just causes the male side to lay on the brakes, hard. But maybe the male side's core is that core part of me, my identity that does not wish to change.

Lately I've been trying to come to grips with what I consider to be feminine qualities. And I think I have for the most part started to feel comfortable as myself. I feel like I'm looking at a bunch of beans on the counter and I've separated out the ones that represent my feminine qualities to the side where I am ok with being a man. And yet the remaining beans represent desires to be attractive as a woman. The hair, the skin, the full body curves, the clothes, the nails, etc. I've tried to replace those beans with ones that represent me bodybuilding and wearing men's jewelry to meet them halfway and yet those things are so far from fulfilling what those beans really need, it's ridiculous. And yet all of me does not understand why something so shallow as attractiveness would cause me to desire to make such a permanent change. But at the thought of the change, immediately the beans representing feminine qualities rush to the other side of the table and are ok with that as well. And all that is left to oppose transition is my core male identity once again. This is all within myself of course, excluding reasons involving my wife, family, etc.

There has to be more to it than simply vanity. This burning need inside me has to have other reasons and yet those reasons are closed to me. I can only guess that it was caused by things that I experienced emotionally as a very small child and then constant rejection I remember well during my teenage years. Recently my counselor brought to my attention that some things my wife has done might have had a deep effect on me as well and I just tended to dismiss them instead of deal with them. If that is the case and this burning need is there because of those things that have affected me, then there can be healing somehow. So it can't be as many say that the only way to deal with it is to give into it.

Interestingly enough, I gave my life to Jesus in high school once I realized that no woman I ever found could satisfy my longings. That only God could do so. I was better for it but I continued looking for someone to satisfy my longing. And continued to be rejected over and over. And now I want to be a woman and yet once again I need to realize that being a woman won't satisfy my longings even though it feels like it would. But once again I'm at the same point I was when I was 14, ready to give this to God but not sure how or how He can satisfy it. Everybody always says "Give it to God" but they never say how.

My counselor has concentrated on the fact that he thinks God can work through my wife to satisfy this longing of mine. The problem is she has much healing to go through herself before such a thing could even be fathomed let alone, met. God can do anything and yet I find myself surrounded by doubt.

All I can see right now is how this longing could be met by becoming a woman. Even though it would most certainly mean divorce/annulment, unemployment, and excommunication. There could be inner fulfillment amidst the outer rejection. And yet if I don't transition and can somehow learn to live with myself then all of those unnecessary hurts can be avoided even if inside there'll always be a part of me unfulfilled.

All I can do is hope that that part can be healed, somehow.