Monday, June 15, 2009

Dire Disappointment

Why do I always want what I can't have?
What's so wrong with the present?
The young want to be older
and yet some men want to be women.
Privileges and responsibilities to gain
current timeframe and mindset
yet time is lost in hindsight.
As a kid, I tried to be serious
that's what adults do;
and yet here I am
trying to break free
from that same solemn shell
into a world of playful excitement
and emotional relationships.
Kids are carefree, yet I was too busy
focusing on ambitious goals.
I hung out with adults, learned their ways
now I hang out with girls
wishing hopelessly for a miracle:
to be allowed to fit in.
What have I done? And why am I doing it again?
Childhood only comes once
and I feel I have squandered it
for a treasure I thought was well worth it
and yet now is completely unsatisfactory.
Manhood only comes to some
so why is it no longer the beacon of enlightenment
I once thought it would be?
And what books of knowledge did I read
that required me to tie up all emotion
bound so deep that when it bubbles up
I don't know where it's from?
What subliminal thought did I receive
that claws at my soul to keep tears from flowing
like a never-ending wellspring;
what secret is in each precious drop
that they can't be allowed to come forth?
Have I exchanged one longing for another
only to set myself up once more
for dire disappointment?

Monday, June 8, 2009


Floating endlessly through a misty gray haze
pushing onward, numb to all emotion, compulsively
insightful thoughts invade, I surrender
one stiletto heel in, one sneaker out.
I cringe away from a peaceful reflection
my heart drowns in self degradation
reaching from a past blocked out
but logic and practicality overrule
sending soft sensitivity to the stocks.
Paper dams hold back rushing emotion
holding on for dear life
dread overcomes and threatens to stifle
Imaginative fantasies abound
but reality rules with an iron hand
realization hits like an earthquake:
No amount of lipstick or skirts
long silky hair, or nylon hose
masks of foundation nor pretty shadows
luxurious lace or satin garments
no compliments, mistaken courtesies
physical modifications or innovations
will ever be enough
to fill this hole.

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