Monday, July 27, 2009

In between looking forward

Why is it when I find something to look forward to,
to be excited about
I take it too far?
It consumes my every thought
it's always there on the fringes
reminding me that no matter what I'm doing,
I always have THAT to be happy about.
Then when I'm in between
with no joy,
there's nothing
but a dull heartbeat
and endless time.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Savanna Has Left The Building

After my "revelation" blog post, I realized that I cannot continue along the path I've been walking since March of this year.

I must turn back....or I risk losing myself completely.

Last night, I began the purge. I moved all of my Savanna clothes, shoes, wigs, and breast forms to another room where I'll ask my wife to help me either sell them or dump them.

I know it will be hard but I know that with God, my Christian brothers, and my wife by my side that I can get through it.

I won't be on twitter anymore (least not as Savanna) or on any of the forums or on Yahoo IM and I won't be checking that email account anymore either. Thanks for the kind words and general understanding you all provided during this time in my life.

I wish you all the best,

Savanna has left the building.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Between Worlds

What am I doing
by pursuing this avenue?
I've already progressed
past the first stage.
I've gone past GO
I've collected my $200.
And yet more desires
lie ahead.

Where am I going?
I'm traveling around
in a circle
each time past the origin
I get closer to the point
of no return.
I must turn back
but my arms won't move.

How did this happen?
what torrent of rain
brought me here?
What deeds from my past
or seeds from my soul
could have ever sprouted
into
this?

When did it take place?
that my heart was no longer satisfied
with who I am as a man?
A 3rd grade comment
out of my own mouth?
Jealousy of a friend
shrouded in silk?
Pleasure from a dip
into a world inaccessible?
Dissatisfaction
with a partnership?
At what point on the timeline
do I need to go back to?

Who am I?
The man, the loving husband
successful, confident, ambitious?
The woman inside
emotional, empathic, serene?
Some mixed-up, turmoil-ridden combination
of both?

When you're standing between worlds
2 sides battling with each other
which side do you choose?

The path I'm on

I was feeling good today because of yesterday's dressup time. For once I felt good about what I saw in the mirror even if the camera didn't seem to be able to catch it. That feeling transferred into today and I wore what I call a "muscle" shirt, a little bit tighter. I hadn't worn it in a long time because of my stomach but it didn't look half bad today, thanks to losing 30 lbs.

I was talking with some friends online and a new person came into the conversation and asked me if I was TV or TS. I of course said TV (CD). Then one of them remarked "Well we all are until we go full time" and that struck me. Throughout what I've been going through, I've thought I could be happy / satisfied with just crossdressing as a woman sometimes and being a man for the majority of the time. But now I'm wondering if that really is the case. If I continue to crossdress and improve myself in this area, won't I want to do it more often and eventually want to be the real thing?

Look at it this way, as a sequence of events.

Event 1: I begin crossdressing at home once a week. I know right away I want/need makeup, dresses, shoes, lingerie, breast forms, etc. Definitely no satisfaction there.

Event 2: Let's say I got all of the things that were desired from Event 1 (which I did). Now I want to get better at dressing, improve my look, receive compliments and critiques from others that are more experienced. I also want to work on my voice to find a more feminine resonance/pitch such that I could pass in public. (This is where I am now)

Event 3: Let's say I get all of the things that I desired in Event 2 (which I haven't yet). I'd want to go out in public en femme. The once a week dress up might then contain new adventures of going to get my hair done, manicures, pedicures, shopping, etc. Now I desire something else. I desire to do it more often.

Event 4: Ok now I'm dressing every day after work. I'm still going out but I'm essentially living as a woman, the second I'm home. I probably would want to start living this way full time including things like work....coming out to everybody in the process.

Event 5: Now everyone knows and I'm living like a woman full time. Let's not even talk about whether my wife is still with me at this point =/ By now I'm probably sick of my male name and maybe even my male body parts and desire for becoming a woman fully or at least start the process including changing my name.

Event 6: I'm a woman. (Note: Marriage automaticaly anulled or void, I think).

Now I know that many crossdressers are happy with where they're at, staying a man and dressing whenever. But I see the path ahead of me if I continue this and I don't see being happy at any one event along the way. There always seems to be something more to be desired at any one event.

Maybe I am better off giving this up now while I still have the chance (Event 2). I know for my marriage's sake, I am better off doing so. But also for my own self. Thinking about the dramatic pull each one of these events gives reminds me of a whirlpool. The closer I get to the center of the whirlpool, the harder it'll be to pull out of it before it altogether consumes me.

I asked myself if I wasn't married whether I would continue along this path and I wasn't sure. I mean, it's easy to agree that I would be crossdressing freely and going out if my wife wasn't there to hold me back because that's the next Event ahead of me. It seems much harder to be so sure that I would go all the way. I don't think it's just my wife holding me back, it's me. I know that I'm a man and before March of this year, I thought I was happy just being a man. The truth is, something was missing. Maybe I'm trying to fill that hole with crossdressing but I don't like the route it will take me. I mean sure, a part of me sees the definite appeal to being a woman. That much is true.

But losing my wife, possibly my family and friends, most of all, myself? Who am I? And what do I really desire. I know that all human beings desire to love and to be loved. Do I really want to be a woman? Then why is the man side of me holding on for dear life? Why would I hesitate? Why do I feel like if I went thru all of these events, I would lose part of myself and yet if I don't I will lose part of myself???

Alright, enough blogging. I can see a poem coming now.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Can I be just a man?

I had a GG friend show me some things online the other night that made me wonder if I really needed to dress up. She showed me some cool men's jewelry such as bracelets and necklaces that I really liked. She also recommended I get my hair styled and highlighted and I really liked the sound of that too. Also I had previously talked with a good friend of mine about him training me at the gym. This new me sounds like something I might be able to like and maybe without the need to dress as a woman.

I guess I used to kind of be that way, always with a comb in my pocket, ready to fix my hair. I think I buried that side of me along with the emotional side of me. The side that likes to crochet, isn't afraid to cry, is empathic with everyone around him, preferred "fluff" drinks to beer, likes shopping (gasp!), likes flowers....I realize some of these are just stupid things but I found out the hard way to fit in as a man that I had to suppress these things and more, hiding the more sensitive side of me. Now that side of me is out and I feel so vulnerable. Emulating a woman still seems like the safer way to go than trying to be myself as a man.

And through thinking about being satisfied with being a man.....somewhere in the middle of those thoughts, I start remembering nail polish, makeup, lacey bras, etc and how pretty it feels when wrapped in them. How can I give that feeling up? There is no replacement as a man, for many of those things.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Crying out

I feel like such a letdown
things don't add up
why do I feel this way?
What makes me this way?
Why can't I be happy
just being a man?
If I dress, my wife is unhappy
she'll look at me
disapprovingly
and longingly wish for her husband back
not realizing he's standing right here
it's still ME!
If I don't dress, I'll have to bury this desire
my wife will be happy
we'll go on with our days
until I cannot hold it any longer
like trying to hold a raging river back
with only my bare hands.
And then she'll wonder
why did this happen all of the sudden?
When it was still there all along
hidden in my heart.
Or maybe I could get rid of it
this part of myself
but how can you really cut off your hand
unless you completely abhor it?
Well she hates it; she's told me many times.
I believe that if she could,
she'd rip it out of me
viciously
me, screaming the whole way.
Her hatred of it
is of the blackest kind
and is only there
because of her love for me
or at least of what she thinks
is me.
Take this burden from me, God
I don't know what to do.

Today's Joy

You were sad today
from things yet to come
patience is hard
when your desires
manifest only in others.

So I hugged and consoled
empathized too
hoping my joy would emanate
to your soul
and cheer you up.

We played a game
round after round
your warm smile
and cute laugh
reminded me
of the happy girl I married.

Thank you
for loving me
accepting me
and making me feel loved.

Woman I love
you have much joy
don't forget how to laugh
or how to let the light in your eyes
spread happiness
to those around you.

Transfigure

It begins with a tingling
bowel rumble, stomach pang
the source, unknown.

I run to the restroom
into the stall
to no alleviation.

Then sudden pain
scalp searing, hot
threadlike growing tresses
sliding down my back.

I throw my hands up to investigate
but stop mid-air
as surrounding pain shoots through them
they're shrinking??

Abrupt chest prickling
cones of skin begin to bulge
shirt swiftly clinging tighter
what is happening?

I run to the mirror
and tug at my shirt
finding a booming, heaving bosom
my eyes widen.

My lashes begin tickling
nose presses in
while lips inflate to fullness
and my chin rounds out.

My jeans start to sag
as my waist collapses in
and abdomen sires curvature
while shoulders enfold upon themselves.

Hips begin to expand, buttocks amplify
and realization starts to hit.
Frantically, I reach for my last scrap
of manhood.

But too late
my soft hands are empty
finding just smooth skin
among an inversion of virility.

Confusion rises
replaced by needles of pain
all over my body
muscles compressing inward.

Strands of tiny hair
diminish everywhere
leaving my skin
delicately smooth.

Comprehension dons
fear, anxiety consume
yet under it all
excitement flutters.

My mouth drops open
doubts are futile
the reflection gapes back at me
I am a woman.

Intoxicating Femininity

Adding some archived poetry for the next couple posts:

Everyday, I get caught up in work and the world
a world full of drab, it's not a bad life, but something is missing.
It's then that I'm reminded of my femininity
by the intoxicating smell of perfume
rising up and filling the air around me.

It takes me back to a dream world
where the softness of silk is constantly slipping
back and forth , across my skin.
Where the delicate feeling of lace,
sends shivers of pleasure down my spine.
A mirror appears in front of me
and I see:
the allure of long lashes batting innocently,
the seduction of color-shadowed eyes boring into my soul,
the shininess of glossy full lips smiling back at me in pure giddiness.
The feathery feel of long, smooth hair spilling onto my shoulders,
down....
to the sexiness of a supple bosom caressed by a glorious brassiere,
to the feeling of swishing freedom only a perfect skirt can give,
under which, the soft swaying of hips swishing as I walk.
down....
to the thrill of a garter belt hugging my creamy thighs,
clasped to flowing stockings encasing my smooth legs.
down....
to the snug fit of high heels on my feet,
my pink-painted toes playing peek-a-boo
while making the click-clack sound that
makes my heart skip a beat, every time I hear it.

"Good morning"
My cloud 9 dream is interrupted by my boss walking in
and I'm back to algorithms and computer code
until the intoxicating scent of perfume
rises up again.

Too much to ask?

My wife and I talked a lot this weekend. She cried her eyes out after reading my last blog post. I just held her and hated myself for having these feelings that end up causing her this pain.

She felt better after talking about it. She kept making sure it was clear though, that she will never be able to accept me dressing because she believes it's wrong. She'll tolerate it if I really need it and there's a continuing balance, but that's it.

The girls on the forums tell me that I should be satisfied with this and hope someday she'll turn from tolerant to accepting. I just don't see that happening. Not just that though, I long for her full acceptance. I am someone who puts my whole heart into everything I do. If I put my whole heart into dressing (which I do, when I do) then it kills me, breaks my heart when all I see in her eyes is complacency. Or if she buys me a dress, knowing that in her heart, she hates buying the dress for me, it's complete and utter paradox. It's an empty action. I mean sure, she is showing me love because she is trying to move past her feelings for me dressing but she is my wife, I don't just want her gifts, I want her WHOLE HEART. I can not be satisfied with anything less. If it was a good friend or family member, maybe it'd be different but this is my heart and soul, my wife. If she's in pain, I'm in pain. If she's only doing something while feeling totally the opposite, I know it and it kills me.

She continues to see this as something I can get past if only I so desire. Something that's a product of my childhood, not something built of my DNA makeup. I've been exploring my past because I believe the same but when the counselor's answer didn't seem like it made sense, I started to wonder if there is some truth to it being genetic. Or maybe I know that if it is something that's genetic, my wife might finally be able to get to an accepting point.

She said if I had been a hermaphrodite at birth, she might be more accepting. I jokingly told her I had been. Of course I think my Dad would've said something about it if I had been because he knows about my dressing and he wonders if I have a hormone imbalance or something but never made any mention of such a case. She asked me if I'd always felt like I wanted to be a girl and I reiterated the few events I've been able to remember from my childhood (see my last blog post). I can also remember being told that I run like a girl or that I throw like a girl (baseball). I remember 3rd grade little league, every time I struck out (very often), I couldn't hold back the tears. Did my guy friends console me ??? LOL yah right. I got made fun of. She also knows that I'm very tender hearted, empathetic, and hurt easily. She claims that these qualities are not feminine qualities though and any woman would like their man to have them. But I told her they are not accepted by other men, quite the opposite. Crocheting and writing emotional poetry are some hobbies I've been skilled at since I was a child and since dressing started, I've discovered I do like to shop. But it's not acceptable as a man to like these things so I've always hidden these things vigorously. Even something as simple as what kind of alcoholic drinks has been something I've tried to change to be more accepted by my male peers.

My wife has also said over and over that this is NOT me. She sees it as influences from others. I just feel like it is a part of me. If she could see it as truly a part of me then maybe she could accept it.

She told me if I asked God to take these feelings away every day, at some point I'll really mean it enough and He will. I guess she's right because right now, I don't really want Him to take these feelings away. I'm clinging to them. The only reason I want to get rid of them is the continuing conflict with my wife.

I know I've said that I wished God would turn me into a girl or that I've thought about transitioning. But in truth those are both wishes made in desperation. The truth is, I really and truly wish my wife could just accept this as a part of me and be happy, even excited that she can share in something unique that most other husbands do not have. Together we could enjoy "girl time" in balance with "husband-wife time". Is that too much to ask for?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

"That Look"

Today I find myself asking God with all my heart to do 1 of 2 things.

Either 1. Take away these desires / feelings so I can get on with my life or 2. turn me into a woman.

I know He can do anything. But He won't.

But lets start at the beginning.

Some of you know me but some probably don't. I am a 27 year old male, happily married for 5 years now. In March of this year, I discovered a deep overwhelming desire to dress as a woman. And of course I mean the whole sha-bang: lingerie, clothes, pantyhose, shoes, makeup, breasts, you name it. Well once I realized this, I immediately told my wife. I'm not very good at keeping secrets and such a big one would burn a hole in my heart, especially keeping it from my spouse.

My wife was very unsupportive.

Well that's not entirely true. At first she thought it was a bedroom play time thing and she helped me with makeup and get dressed for the first time. I remember looking in the mirror for the first time and having this overwhelming feeling of happiness, giddiness, and amazement. I continued to dress up some over the next couple days in my free time and had constant butterflies in my stomach about it.

A few days later, my wife had "that look" on her face and I engaged her to find out what was the matter. She told me that she was not comfortable with this at all. She felt like it was wrong. Her reasons it was wrong were something like these:

1. God made me a man so I shouldn't want to dress like a woman, even sometimes.
2. I was looking to dressing for comfort, security, excitement and God is the only one who can truly provide that.
3. She was not attracted to women and it made her feel uncomfortable thinking of her very attractive male husband in such a way.
4. I shouldn't have any big secrets from people. If I couldn't tell even the people I was close to, then I shouldn't be doing it.

There's probably other reasons as well but #1 and #2 are the most convicting. So began a long and drawn out roller-coaster ride of conflict between me and my wife involving this issue.

Soon after, I told my father. Mind you, we had both had some beers not long before, but I still told him and he shared some things with me (not TG-related but personal). It felt good to bond with my dad and he seemed to understand. I also told a good friend of mine who happens to be a pastor. He counseled us both some and mostly suggested that since this was a grey area, I should look to the fact that God wants me to love my wife. If she's uncomfortable with it then I needed to compromise.

Well we did. The first few compromises had to be edited and now are still always changing, it seems. There did come a day when I dressed up and got the mail (100 ft away from the house or so). My wife did not like this at all. I guess I felt like being at home wasn't enough. I wanted to experience things, I wanted to get out, go shopping, get my nails done, etc. And I really truly wanted to share it with my wife. Why couldn't I be a husband sometimes and a girlfriend other times? This triggered a major conflict which ended in me beginning to see a counselor about this issue. I also came out to a couple guy friends at church and they suggested counseling as well.

Counseling has been very informative. I seem to have found out that my mother, in her post-part-um depression, may have unknowingly imparted feelings of anxiousness to me as a baby which may have caused me to become the independent person I am today. But because of that, I seem to be longing for something, some basic building blocks of love, comfort, security, maybe even excitement? And that's what I'm finding in dressing. My counselor is convinced that I should be able to find another way to express and appease these emotions in another way, one that my wife might not be so against.

Logically, this makes sense to me. Emotionally however, I not only don't want to give up dressing but I can't imagine life without it.

This last week, I dressed up 2 days in a row. My wife was gone for most of one of them but there for the other. She has supported me in the past by buying me dresses, helping me with makeup, taking tons and tons of photos, and even complimented or constructively criticized my appearance. What I have now come to realize though is that she does these things not with her heart. She has to lock her heart away, including all the feelings she feels about me dressing up, just to survive supporting me in this way. Sometimes I can see this physically. She'll give me "that look" again....the same look she gave me so early in my dressing days when she first told me how she really felt.

I hate "that look". It's a look of disgust, bitterness, lack of understanding, contempt. I know that most of you have said and will continue to say "slow down". She loves you and she will change over time. But I don't know how she'd ever not feel like this. I almost have to go from one extreme to another to get through this.

------------------------------------------------------------

Through most of my time dressing, I have not really wanted to transition. Why? Well a few reasons.

1. I don't believe I've always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body.
In other words, as a kid growing up, I didn't ever dress up. There were certain events in my childhood that I remember such as telling the girl that I liked that I "wanted to be a girl". I don't remember why I said that though, not sure i remember what i was even thinking or feeling at the time. It was 4th or 5th grade. Then in high school, I remember my good friend that was a girl painted my nails one night. I wore them to school that way, I just pawned it off to the fact that she "made me do it" but I seemed to enjoy it inside. Later on that same girl had my best friend over at one point and dressed him up in women's clothes and makeup and took pictures. I can definitely think back to finding out about that and desperately wishing it had been me.

All through school, I got rejected over and over by girls and I think it definitely took a toll. I also went to great lengths to be "macho" so as not to let on that I had any feminine traits. Especially when I got married at 23. I held back tears at movies, I stopped crocheting, I learned to like drinking beer instead of the "fruity" drinks, I always made sure my hair never grew very long before getting a haircut, in general, I held back a lot of emotions. I think I became in some ways, emotion-less.

2. The process of transitioning seems to be mighty painful and hard.
I don't think I want to go through such a painful transition. And I'm just talking physical pain, not even emotional pain that would probably come from family and friends. I also can't really imagine life without the genitalia I've always known my whole life.

Anyway, at this stage, I'm wondering what chemical factors might have an impact on whats going on with me right now. I've read books about studies and theories explaining "from birth" chemical reasons why someone would want to crossdress. But I'm still unsure of the facts. And I'm not even sure if there is anything that can be chemically tested on me.

My wife had a dream last night that I transitioned and married her brother. I told her that was just wrong, I would never marry her brother. She probably wanted to hear me say that I thought transitioning was wrong too but I'm coming to a point where I just wonder about it.

I feel like I'm standing in a long dark hallway with a door on each end. The door in the back is letting go of these desires somehow and giving up dressing altogether. The door in the front is fully transitioning. Either way is better than what is going on now where there is turmoil in my heart because I know that I want and need to be a woman and yet I know that I love my wife so much that I can't bear to have her throw me "that look" or even know that the feelings contained in "that look" are still buried in her heart even when they're not showing.

Maybe I'll be able to work through these feelings and like my counselor believes, find another avenue for them. Or maybe I can only partially get through them that way and bury the rest only to have them fester for a later date. Maybe my wife could come to accept dressing and going out. Or maybe she'd leave me. Or maybe I'd transition.

Here lies the conflict and ponderings of one Savanna Lisa Lynn.

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