Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Can I be just a man?

I had a GG friend show me some things online the other night that made me wonder if I really needed to dress up. She showed me some cool men's jewelry such as bracelets and necklaces that I really liked. She also recommended I get my hair styled and highlighted and I really liked the sound of that too. Also I had previously talked with a good friend of mine about him training me at the gym. This new me sounds like something I might be able to like and maybe without the need to dress as a woman.

I guess I used to kind of be that way, always with a comb in my pocket, ready to fix my hair. I think I buried that side of me along with the emotional side of me. The side that likes to crochet, isn't afraid to cry, is empathic with everyone around him, preferred "fluff" drinks to beer, likes shopping (gasp!), likes flowers....I realize some of these are just stupid things but I found out the hard way to fit in as a man that I had to suppress these things and more, hiding the more sensitive side of me. Now that side of me is out and I feel so vulnerable. Emulating a woman still seems like the safer way to go than trying to be myself as a man.

And through thinking about being satisfied with being a man.....somewhere in the middle of those thoughts, I start remembering nail polish, makeup, lacey bras, etc and how pretty it feels when wrapped in them. How can I give that feeling up? There is no replacement as a man, for many of those things.

2 comments:

MgS said...

Just thinking aloud here - I've walked a far different path than you have - but it depends on how crossdressing fits into your identity.
Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a man doing things that are perceived by others as feminine.

The real question that you will have to answer for yourself is whether you will "lose" some part of yourself that you value by stepping aside from cross-dressing.

Is there some part of your essential self that you would be ignoring or burying in doing so?

Of a similar vein is the question of how integral is your cross-gender identity to you? Will you simply find yourself dealing with all kinds of internal pressures if you put that part of you aside?

I cannot guess what the answers to those questions are for you - your answers will be as individual as my own similar questions were.

Think carefully, and give yourself permission to do what is right - for you.

- Michelle

Rick Muth said...

Debra, To me it looks like, your were doing things to make the people around you happy. You have to be true to your self. That is what matters.

Rick

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