Saturday, July 11, 2009

"That Look"

Today I find myself asking God with all my heart to do 1 of 2 things.

Either 1. Take away these desires / feelings so I can get on with my life or 2. turn me into a woman.

I know He can do anything. But He won't.

But lets start at the beginning.

Some of you know me but some probably don't. I am a 27 year old male, happily married for 5 years now. In March of this year, I discovered a deep overwhelming desire to dress as a woman. And of course I mean the whole sha-bang: lingerie, clothes, pantyhose, shoes, makeup, breasts, you name it. Well once I realized this, I immediately told my wife. I'm not very good at keeping secrets and such a big one would burn a hole in my heart, especially keeping it from my spouse.

My wife was very unsupportive.

Well that's not entirely true. At first she thought it was a bedroom play time thing and she helped me with makeup and get dressed for the first time. I remember looking in the mirror for the first time and having this overwhelming feeling of happiness, giddiness, and amazement. I continued to dress up some over the next couple days in my free time and had constant butterflies in my stomach about it.

A few days later, my wife had "that look" on her face and I engaged her to find out what was the matter. She told me that she was not comfortable with this at all. She felt like it was wrong. Her reasons it was wrong were something like these:

1. God made me a man so I shouldn't want to dress like a woman, even sometimes.
2. I was looking to dressing for comfort, security, excitement and God is the only one who can truly provide that.
3. She was not attracted to women and it made her feel uncomfortable thinking of her very attractive male husband in such a way.
4. I shouldn't have any big secrets from people. If I couldn't tell even the people I was close to, then I shouldn't be doing it.

There's probably other reasons as well but #1 and #2 are the most convicting. So began a long and drawn out roller-coaster ride of conflict between me and my wife involving this issue.

Soon after, I told my father. Mind you, we had both had some beers not long before, but I still told him and he shared some things with me (not TG-related but personal). It felt good to bond with my dad and he seemed to understand. I also told a good friend of mine who happens to be a pastor. He counseled us both some and mostly suggested that since this was a grey area, I should look to the fact that God wants me to love my wife. If she's uncomfortable with it then I needed to compromise.

Well we did. The first few compromises had to be edited and now are still always changing, it seems. There did come a day when I dressed up and got the mail (100 ft away from the house or so). My wife did not like this at all. I guess I felt like being at home wasn't enough. I wanted to experience things, I wanted to get out, go shopping, get my nails done, etc. And I really truly wanted to share it with my wife. Why couldn't I be a husband sometimes and a girlfriend other times? This triggered a major conflict which ended in me beginning to see a counselor about this issue. I also came out to a couple guy friends at church and they suggested counseling as well.

Counseling has been very informative. I seem to have found out that my mother, in her post-part-um depression, may have unknowingly imparted feelings of anxiousness to me as a baby which may have caused me to become the independent person I am today. But because of that, I seem to be longing for something, some basic building blocks of love, comfort, security, maybe even excitement? And that's what I'm finding in dressing. My counselor is convinced that I should be able to find another way to express and appease these emotions in another way, one that my wife might not be so against.

Logically, this makes sense to me. Emotionally however, I not only don't want to give up dressing but I can't imagine life without it.

This last week, I dressed up 2 days in a row. My wife was gone for most of one of them but there for the other. She has supported me in the past by buying me dresses, helping me with makeup, taking tons and tons of photos, and even complimented or constructively criticized my appearance. What I have now come to realize though is that she does these things not with her heart. She has to lock her heart away, including all the feelings she feels about me dressing up, just to survive supporting me in this way. Sometimes I can see this physically. She'll give me "that look" again....the same look she gave me so early in my dressing days when she first told me how she really felt.

I hate "that look". It's a look of disgust, bitterness, lack of understanding, contempt. I know that most of you have said and will continue to say "slow down". She loves you and she will change over time. But I don't know how she'd ever not feel like this. I almost have to go from one extreme to another to get through this.


Through most of my time dressing, I have not really wanted to transition. Why? Well a few reasons.

1. I don't believe I've always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body.
In other words, as a kid growing up, I didn't ever dress up. There were certain events in my childhood that I remember such as telling the girl that I liked that I "wanted to be a girl". I don't remember why I said that though, not sure i remember what i was even thinking or feeling at the time. It was 4th or 5th grade. Then in high school, I remember my good friend that was a girl painted my nails one night. I wore them to school that way, I just pawned it off to the fact that she "made me do it" but I seemed to enjoy it inside. Later on that same girl had my best friend over at one point and dressed him up in women's clothes and makeup and took pictures. I can definitely think back to finding out about that and desperately wishing it had been me.

All through school, I got rejected over and over by girls and I think it definitely took a toll. I also went to great lengths to be "macho" so as not to let on that I had any feminine traits. Especially when I got married at 23. I held back tears at movies, I stopped crocheting, I learned to like drinking beer instead of the "fruity" drinks, I always made sure my hair never grew very long before getting a haircut, in general, I held back a lot of emotions. I think I became in some ways, emotion-less.

2. The process of transitioning seems to be mighty painful and hard.
I don't think I want to go through such a painful transition. And I'm just talking physical pain, not even emotional pain that would probably come from family and friends. I also can't really imagine life without the genitalia I've always known my whole life.

Anyway, at this stage, I'm wondering what chemical factors might have an impact on whats going on with me right now. I've read books about studies and theories explaining "from birth" chemical reasons why someone would want to crossdress. But I'm still unsure of the facts. And I'm not even sure if there is anything that can be chemically tested on me.

My wife had a dream last night that I transitioned and married her brother. I told her that was just wrong, I would never marry her brother. She probably wanted to hear me say that I thought transitioning was wrong too but I'm coming to a point where I just wonder about it.

I feel like I'm standing in a long dark hallway with a door on each end. The door in the back is letting go of these desires somehow and giving up dressing altogether. The door in the front is fully transitioning. Either way is better than what is going on now where there is turmoil in my heart because I know that I want and need to be a woman and yet I know that I love my wife so much that I can't bear to have her throw me "that look" or even know that the feelings contained in "that look" are still buried in her heart even when they're not showing.

Maybe I'll be able to work through these feelings and like my counselor believes, find another avenue for them. Or maybe I can only partially get through them that way and bury the rest only to have them fester for a later date. Maybe my wife could come to accept dressing and going out. Or maybe she'd leave me. Or maybe I'd transition.

Here lies the conflict and ponderings of one Savanna Lisa Lynn.


Sissy Georgie said...

Hi Savanna,

I just read your post and it touched my heart. My wife said she accepted my crossdressing and submissiveness when i married her but in the end it was too much for her. She once sent me an email that if I wasn't allowed to dress up unless I made her pregnant. WHen that didn't work out we split up. THere is more to it than that but I know she was never really comfortable with it. I know dressing up is part of me and denying that will never work. I wish you all the best on your journey.

sissy georgie

ps I found you via twitter

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