Thursday, July 16, 2009

The path I'm on

I was feeling good today because of yesterday's dressup time. For once I felt good about what I saw in the mirror even if the camera didn't seem to be able to catch it. That feeling transferred into today and I wore what I call a "muscle" shirt, a little bit tighter. I hadn't worn it in a long time because of my stomach but it didn't look half bad today, thanks to losing 30 lbs.

I was talking with some friends online and a new person came into the conversation and asked me if I was TV or TS. I of course said TV (CD). Then one of them remarked "Well we all are until we go full time" and that struck me. Throughout what I've been going through, I've thought I could be happy / satisfied with just crossdressing as a woman sometimes and being a man for the majority of the time. But now I'm wondering if that really is the case. If I continue to crossdress and improve myself in this area, won't I want to do it more often and eventually want to be the real thing?

Look at it this way, as a sequence of events.

Event 1: I begin crossdressing at home once a week. I know right away I want/need makeup, dresses, shoes, lingerie, breast forms, etc. Definitely no satisfaction there.

Event 2: Let's say I got all of the things that were desired from Event 1 (which I did). Now I want to get better at dressing, improve my look, receive compliments and critiques from others that are more experienced. I also want to work on my voice to find a more feminine resonance/pitch such that I could pass in public. (This is where I am now)

Event 3: Let's say I get all of the things that I desired in Event 2 (which I haven't yet). I'd want to go out in public en femme. The once a week dress up might then contain new adventures of going to get my hair done, manicures, pedicures, shopping, etc. Now I desire something else. I desire to do it more often.

Event 4: Ok now I'm dressing every day after work. I'm still going out but I'm essentially living as a woman, the second I'm home. I probably would want to start living this way full time including things like work....coming out to everybody in the process.

Event 5: Now everyone knows and I'm living like a woman full time. Let's not even talk about whether my wife is still with me at this point =/ By now I'm probably sick of my male name and maybe even my male body parts and desire for becoming a woman fully or at least start the process including changing my name.

Event 6: I'm a woman. (Note: Marriage automaticaly anulled or void, I think).

Now I know that many crossdressers are happy with where they're at, staying a man and dressing whenever. But I see the path ahead of me if I continue this and I don't see being happy at any one event along the way. There always seems to be something more to be desired at any one event.

Maybe I am better off giving this up now while I still have the chance (Event 2). I know for my marriage's sake, I am better off doing so. But also for my own self. Thinking about the dramatic pull each one of these events gives reminds me of a whirlpool. The closer I get to the center of the whirlpool, the harder it'll be to pull out of it before it altogether consumes me.

I asked myself if I wasn't married whether I would continue along this path and I wasn't sure. I mean, it's easy to agree that I would be crossdressing freely and going out if my wife wasn't there to hold me back because that's the next Event ahead of me. It seems much harder to be so sure that I would go all the way. I don't think it's just my wife holding me back, it's me. I know that I'm a man and before March of this year, I thought I was happy just being a man. The truth is, something was missing. Maybe I'm trying to fill that hole with crossdressing but I don't like the route it will take me. I mean sure, a part of me sees the definite appeal to being a woman. That much is true.

But losing my wife, possibly my family and friends, most of all, myself? Who am I? And what do I really desire. I know that all human beings desire to love and to be loved. Do I really want to be a woman? Then why is the man side of me holding on for dear life? Why would I hesitate? Why do I feel like if I went thru all of these events, I would lose part of myself and yet if I don't I will lose part of myself???

Alright, enough blogging. I can see a poem coming now.

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