Monday, July 13, 2009

Too much to ask?

My wife and I talked a lot this weekend. She cried her eyes out after reading my last blog post. I just held her and hated myself for having these feelings that end up causing her this pain.

She felt better after talking about it. She kept making sure it was clear though, that she will never be able to accept me dressing because she believes it's wrong. She'll tolerate it if I really need it and there's a continuing balance, but that's it.

The girls on the forums tell me that I should be satisfied with this and hope someday she'll turn from tolerant to accepting. I just don't see that happening. Not just that though, I long for her full acceptance. I am someone who puts my whole heart into everything I do. If I put my whole heart into dressing (which I do, when I do) then it kills me, breaks my heart when all I see in her eyes is complacency. Or if she buys me a dress, knowing that in her heart, she hates buying the dress for me, it's complete and utter paradox. It's an empty action. I mean sure, she is showing me love because she is trying to move past her feelings for me dressing but she is my wife, I don't just want her gifts, I want her WHOLE HEART. I can not be satisfied with anything less. If it was a good friend or family member, maybe it'd be different but this is my heart and soul, my wife. If she's in pain, I'm in pain. If she's only doing something while feeling totally the opposite, I know it and it kills me.

She continues to see this as something I can get past if only I so desire. Something that's a product of my childhood, not something built of my DNA makeup. I've been exploring my past because I believe the same but when the counselor's answer didn't seem like it made sense, I started to wonder if there is some truth to it being genetic. Or maybe I know that if it is something that's genetic, my wife might finally be able to get to an accepting point.

She said if I had been a hermaphrodite at birth, she might be more accepting. I jokingly told her I had been. Of course I think my Dad would've said something about it if I had been because he knows about my dressing and he wonders if I have a hormone imbalance or something but never made any mention of such a case. She asked me if I'd always felt like I wanted to be a girl and I reiterated the few events I've been able to remember from my childhood (see my last blog post). I can also remember being told that I run like a girl or that I throw like a girl (baseball). I remember 3rd grade little league, every time I struck out (very often), I couldn't hold back the tears. Did my guy friends console me ??? LOL yah right. I got made fun of. She also knows that I'm very tender hearted, empathetic, and hurt easily. She claims that these qualities are not feminine qualities though and any woman would like their man to have them. But I told her they are not accepted by other men, quite the opposite. Crocheting and writing emotional poetry are some hobbies I've been skilled at since I was a child and since dressing started, I've discovered I do like to shop. But it's not acceptable as a man to like these things so I've always hidden these things vigorously. Even something as simple as what kind of alcoholic drinks has been something I've tried to change to be more accepted by my male peers.

My wife has also said over and over that this is NOT me. She sees it as influences from others. I just feel like it is a part of me. If she could see it as truly a part of me then maybe she could accept it.

She told me if I asked God to take these feelings away every day, at some point I'll really mean it enough and He will. I guess she's right because right now, I don't really want Him to take these feelings away. I'm clinging to them. The only reason I want to get rid of them is the continuing conflict with my wife.

I know I've said that I wished God would turn me into a girl or that I've thought about transitioning. But in truth those are both wishes made in desperation. The truth is, I really and truly wish my wife could just accept this as a part of me and be happy, even excited that she can share in something unique that most other husbands do not have. Together we could enjoy "girl time" in balance with "husband-wife time". Is that too much to ask for?


Jaimé said...

*claps and sniffs*

teresabowers said...

It just may be.Give her time.

Debra said...

Thanks girls

gregina said...

Oh! Heartbreaking! But there is hope. With God there is always hope. And I'm not talking about the "mush god" that Leonard Ravenhill talks about, a god made in man's image, a god of convenience, of telling us what we want to hear. No, I'm talking about the one true holy God of Israel, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the one with whom we will give an account. I'm talking about the real-deal Christian God in heaven. And I'm saying that so that your honey, if she reads this, won't discount me, because I am as mainstream-conservative Evangelical as you can get.

You know what? God saw this coming. Back when he led you two to get married, he knew this was going to happen. And you stood there before Him and before your family and you made a solemn vow to be together for the rest of your life. For better or worse. And He knew you were going to need a committment like that to get through this.

Now, we know the bad news- this is so painful for her! This isn't what she wanted, it's not what she ever dreamed would happen. She has every right to feel hurt and even angry.

And it's also SO painful for you. It's painful in that you are dealing with it as best you can. You're hearing conflicting things from different places.

Your church points out that God can take this away from you, which of course is true. I've seen so many miracles, so many things that God has done- healings. My mother has been healed of cancer and so many other things. Totally, bonafied, real healings. But I've also seen the same people gete prayed for over and over and... it doesn't happen. Sometimes God makes you live with your condition.

Let me tell you- I fought this gender thing ALL my life. I've had prayer, counseling, confessed, been to Promise Keepers, read John Eldredge, every thing you can think of. And how many times have I thrown away every last female anything I ever had in order to show God I meant business in my repentance? I'm thinking if I had taken the money and time I wasted and invested it in missions I could have made a really big impact for the Lord.

Here is the really good news: Your wife knows. You'e told her. You're open with her. You're intimate. You're not hiding it. Oh OH how I envy you for that, despite the pain it is causing right now.

Because my wife doesn't even know. My pastor doesn't even know. What you and your wife have is precious, and I PRAY for you both that you stand on your vows to God and never ever consider going against them.

And, honey, I think you both need counseling. Together. And honestly, you need more than one kind of counseling. For her sake, you need to sit through the side that says you can change. And for your sake, she needs to sit through the side that says you probably can't. This isn't your problem, and it's not her problem- the problem belongs to you both, because God joined you together.

Somehow, both of you need to come to the same answer. THAT is what you ought to pray hard about.

If there is any way I can on the phone? I'm hear. I don't know all the answer. Heck, I hardly know any of them. But I've fought this fight for a very long time. I will help you two if I can at all.

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