Thursday, August 13, 2009

I want to be a woman

I want to be a woman.

Something inside of me still cringes when I say that. From the beginnings of my crossdressing, I distanced myself from the idea of transitioning to full womanhood. Probably because it seemed to directly cross my beliefs that God doesn't make mistakes, or the fact that I know my wife would not be happy if I did so. More likely though, there's a part of me that still does NOT want to ever be a woman permanently. I think all of me is just fine with the fantasy-like idea of transforming into a woman (anatomically) but only in a mystical temporary way and always being able to change back to a man's body at some point. My wife would probably consider it more of an annoyance if this was possible. I can imagine her saying "Turn back! I need a man right now."


Of course in "real life", such a change is permanent, there is no going back. Even now I can imagine myself transitioning, despite possible loss of my wife, family, friends, and church. Maybe I think that I could go through the process and repent after the change. Of course true repentance at that point would be dressing like a man again, making some sort of effort in that way even though anatomically I'd be a woman. Think about that. A woman, once a man, dressing as a man once again. How excruciatingly frustrating can you get. Horrifying even. I desire this so bad that thinking of receiving it and then being denied all that goes with it.....there are just no words to describe the agony.


But knowing that there's something inside of me that really selfishly still does not want to be a woman is weird. My Christian brothers have told me that it's the Holy Spirit talking to me but I feel like it's something more selfish than that. I mean of course there's the rejection that would happen, from work, family, friends, etc but there's more to this side of me. It's like the center of my identity. This part of me, this realization of who I am that's been with me since it awakened in childhood. All I've known is that I'm a man or that I was a boy. That core is still there and does not want to change because it's all it has ever known.


I sometimes talk about this as a battle between my masculine self and feminine self. It really does feel that way. Almost like two separate entities. The female self longs for all that is female and embraces all of my qualities that I consider feminine. The male side abhors those qualities even if purely out of constantly repressing them. And I'm in the middle trying to find balance between these two entities and failing miserably. That's why crossdressing alone was going nowhere. It was a temporary reprieve for the female side but after years of suppression, it is very strong and wanting to go all the way. And the male side through all of this has been ok with it for the most part because the facts are that it's ok to have these qualities and the male side of me does want to be attractive too. But thoughts of transitioning to full womanhood just causes the male side to lay on the brakes, hard. But maybe the male side's core is that core part of me, my identity that does not wish to change.


Lately I've been trying to come to grips with what I consider to be feminine qualities. And I think I have for the most part started to feel comfortable as myself. I feel like I'm looking at a bunch of beans on the counter and I've separated out the ones that represent my feminine qualities to the side where I am ok with being a man. And yet the remaining beans represent desires to be attractive as a woman. The hair, the skin, the full body curves, the clothes, the nails, etc. I've tried to replace those beans with ones that represent me bodybuilding and wearing men's jewelry to meet them halfway and yet those things are so far from fulfilling what those beans really need, it's ridiculous. And yet all of me does not understand why something so shallow as attractiveness would cause me to desire to make such a permanent change. But at the thought of the change, immediately the beans representing feminine qualities rush to the other side of the table and are ok with that as well. And all that is left to oppose transition is my core male identity once again. This is all within myself of course, excluding reasons involving my wife, family, etc.


There has to be more to it than simply vanity. This burning need inside me has to have other reasons and yet those reasons are closed to me. I can only guess that it was caused by things that I experienced emotionally as a very small child and then constant rejection I remember well during my teenage years. Recently my counselor brought to my attention that some things my wife has done might have had a deep effect on me as well and I just tended to dismiss them instead of deal with them. If that is the case and this burning need is there because of those things that have affected me, then there can be healing somehow. So it can't be as many say that the only way to deal with it is to give into it.


Interestingly enough, I gave my life to Jesus in high school once I realized that no woman I ever found could satisfy my longings. That only God could do so. I was better for it but I continued looking for someone to satisfy my longing. And continued to be rejected over and over. And now I want to be a woman and yet once again I need to realize that being a woman won't satisfy my longings even though it feels like it would. But once again I'm at the same point I was when I was 14, ready to give this to God but not sure how or how He can satisfy it. Everybody always says "Give it to God" but they never say how.


My counselor has concentrated on the fact that he thinks God can work through my wife to satisfy this longing of mine. The problem is she has much healing to go through herself before such a thing could even be fathomed let alone, met. God can do anything and yet I find myself surrounded by doubt.
All I can see right now is how this longing could be met by becoming a woman. Even though it would most certainly mean divorce/annulment, unemployment, and excommunication. There could be inner fulfillment amidst the outer rejection. And yet if I don't transition and can somehow learn to live with myself then all of those unnecessary hurts can be avoided even if inside there'll always be a part of me unfulfilled.


All I can do is hope that that part can be healed, somehow.

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