Monday, August 17, 2009

Late night ponderings

Lately I've noticed women's breasts and the thoughts going on in my mind were totally different. Instead of simply enjoying their beauty, I find myself imagining myself with them. It's the weirdest thing. It seems like I'm living from moment to moment and in every moment is the desire to be a woman and yet at the same exact time there's a continuous cringing away from it and all that it entails...out of pure selfishness and laziness, mostly.

I stopped dressing over a month ago, I think. I'm not sure because I lost count of the days or weeks. I guess it's because I don't feel any different by not dressing. I feel like the outward action that was taking place in secret is now still taking place in my mind and heart and fighting to come out even more than it did while I was doing the outward action. I've brought the conflict inward.

In a way, the revelation that if I continued crossdressing, I'd want to become a woman, has opened up that desire in full force. Now instead of desiring to be dressed as a woman or seen as a woman, I desire to BE a woman. Dressing is not even a question really, it's such a temporary fulfilling thing that I want to get to the heart of the issue now. Then I can either become a woman or get over it somehow. Yes that is how my heart and mind think even today.

Everyone keeps telling me that Satan is the one telling me I need to be a woman. They also say that the Holy Spirit is telling me I need to stay a man. I'm not sure I believe them on either account. I just feel like both of those voices in my head are my own. They don't feel like somebody else, they are both me. They are both products of how I was made and raised and everything that's happened to me along the way.

Would Satan enjoy seeing my life destroyed by my wife leaving me, my blessed employment being removed, and/or my excommunication from my church and brothers who love me? Of course. Would God rather me stay a man, the way He created me to continue to commit to the vows of Holy Matrimony I made before him? Of course.

Do I have a choice? Do I have free will? I believe so. Sometimes God gives you choices in your life and you have to deal with the consequences. He has a better way and you can choose His way or the hard way. At this crossroads in my life, I realize that it would be very difficult to try to become a woman, especially at this stage in my life. I mean I'm married and going to have kids soon. But I also have a successful job and many loans weighing me down. Yet I feel like a teenage girl that never got to experience growing up. By becoming a woman, I would not be able to go back to being a teenage girl. It does seem like there would be more innocence though.

At the same time, the only other option is to constantly battle this desire and emotion. Continue being a man and fight for my happiness every day for the rest of my life. That sounds horrifying. I know Jesus says we will suffer for him and we should love others but how can I do that if I'm always tied up in my own battle inside?

Also if I do this, the consequences are obvious, it affects many other people all to find my own supposed happiness. But if I don't do this and let it consume me inside just to make others happy, I'll be bitter for the rest of my life.

Someone recently told me that there isn't really much of a difference between a man and a woman and I think in a way, they're right. God sees us all equally and loves us all equally. So what does it matter if I live this life as a woman or a man?


Amorous Eyes said...

In the more religious circles I tend to hear "God does not make mistakes." and I agree. Despite all the things in the world that aren't 'right' in varying degrees it is that way because God wanted it that way. If He would've wanted everything to be easy for everyone He could've done that too, but he didn't.

There is a reason for this, and it is that through hardship you are able to become a better person (whatever gender that may be). Sometimes it may even require you to do things that according to other (fallible) people is wrong. Bu no one but God knows for sure whether or not this may very well be your intended path.

My path has been rough as well, and yes I lost some people and things, but what I gained has been so much more valuable. I am a much happier person now than I've ever been and everyone around me can see that. Even a bunch of the early sceptics have turned around and accepted me for who I am.

The way I see it, God indeed does not make mistakes. I feel this way because God has a plan for everyone, and for me He wants me to go through this despite the hardship I may (and will) endure because in the end I will be a much better person as a whole.

Remember, the better and happier you feel about yourself the more able you are to love and help others. Pretending to be happy for other people's sake is not the way anyone should have to live.

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