Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Hurt is real

I've been in suppression mode for over a month now as most of you know. I've continued counseling once a week and tried to find some kind of balance. I bought a lot of cheap men's jewelry on ebay. Had my wife sell my stuff on ebay (which killed me inside), still painting my nails clear as well.

Everyone continues to tell me what I'm doing is sin. That my desires are sin. And I can see how they can say that because becoming a woman would be very destructive to my life. My family, friends, work, and church. But after a while of suppressing, I've also realized that suppressing will do a crazy destructive work to my soul. A lose-lose situation. My counselor believes that the longing/hurt inside of me is real and true. But that the desire to be a woman is just a side effect that can be translated into something else. Because everything else is a lose-lose situation, I am willing to listen to him because I'd rather have something that doesn't have loss. But as much as he talks about it, I don't see how it can happen so in the meantime I'm still in suppression mode.

Everyone around me just assumes that I'm fighting this because I'm not dressing but what I've tried to make clear to them is that nothing has changed inside me.

I came out to my mom today. Well lets start at the beginning of the day. I didnt want to get out of bed. My wife wouldnt let me mope and we ended up talking a bunch as usual. I really and truly felt suicidal this morning. I looked up on the net about painless ways to die and remembered the whole car running in the garage thing. Well after voicing some of this to my wife she started worrying more than usual and she said that she thought even my family and her would rather I be a woman than dead. I finally seemed to get it thru her head how much this hurts. That I know the destruction it would cause. I realize that she would leave me and I don't blame her. She cried a lot and so did I. We went to my parents house and my wife told my mom I was having suicidal thoughts while my dad and I were going for a walk. My dad suggested that I tell my mom because she'd probably be probing him for answers anyway.

So I did. I think the fact that she knew I was suicidal must've helped the case because she said she would always still love me no matter what and would truly rather have me as a woman than not here at all. I talked some about the transition process and answered both mom's and dad's questions. It actually went very well and way better than I expected.

So that's kind of where I'm at. I'm still in suppression mode and seeing my counselor. My wife and I are going to pray fervently over the next month and see where I'm at afterwards. I do still hold out hope that there is a 3rd option to get healed somehow and not have to suppress or transition.

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