Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm alive

Well I'm alive.

Around this time last week, I was starting up my truck with the garage closed, ready to end it all.

The night before, the guys at my bible study had confronted me once again saying many things and saying them very forcefully, harsh, and fiercely. They said even if I was born with this tendency that I should still fight it. They said that if they heard I was on the forums or blogs or seeing a gender counselor, they would bring me to the next level of church discipline, to the elders. Once again they would deny me others' points of view. They said they had to protect my wife. They also said I would go to hell if I became a woman and that I would no longer be invited to group.

Anyway, I drove home ready to kill myself. Their logic rang in my head:

"God would rather have me dead than become a woman."

Well my wife happened to be getting out of her car when I got home so I did not have the chance. But Wednesday morning at around 5am (my wife was still sleeping), I got up, got dressed, and wrote some last words, texted them to a choice few, and started up the truck with the windows down.

My best friend called back immediately, he had been up because of a pager call for work. He said "Don't do this, man." I told him I couldn't take it anymore. He begged me to open the garage and I could hear him getting into his car. I told him he would be too late (it would take him 30 min to get there). I got cut off at some point, thank you AT&T, but my wife woke up, noticed I wasn't in bed and was worried. She came downstairs and heard the engine running. She immediately opened the garage and I shut the engine off and just sat there, numb.

She threw some clothes on and came and sat in the truck with me for a couple minutes. I told her I would go to work and she told me no that she would call my work and let them know that I couldn't go today. So I said I'd go back to bed. She said I should talk to someone. Nobody I wanted to talk to was up so she ended up calling 9-1-1 and the cops came. I went voluntarily to the Emergency Room at the hospital.

They tested me for CO poisoning and said I had less CO than the average smoker. Apparently my plan didn't get very far. I told the social worker and doctor that the reasoning behind it all had to do with transgender feelings I had been experiencing. They said if I could sign a paper honestly that said I wouldn't try again, I could go home. I knew I couldn't sign it honestly at that point so they got me a bed at the psych ward at another hospital and I spent a few days there, reflecting. It was kind of lonely and boring there but the people there were good people. I was able to easily put myself out there and they were all accepting/affirming. It's kind of funny, they were all sad to see me go and I was sad to leave them.

I went and saw my counselor the day I got out (Friday). He didn't agree with what the guys at bible study had done, he asked my wife if she thought it was 'helpful' what they did. She has defended what they did saying they did it out of love. I know they did it out of love but the way they did it was hurtful. And threatening to bring me up with the church when I haven't even done anything yet was ridiculous.

When I was in the ward and my family came to visit me during visiting hours, my brother (who started getting drunk immediately when he heard I had tried to commit suicide) actually made some sense. Did I want to go down the hard path of becoming a woman or the hard path of staying the same. Both would be hard but only one, I would not be alone. Only one, my wife would not leave me. It made total logical sense in my head that I should fight to keep my wife and yet in my heart, I still felt no guilt, no wrong for feeling this way, for wanting to be a woman. Talk about inner clash, brain and heart.

So at this point, I'm seeing my counselor twice a week now. I asked him if I should see a gender counselor and whether I should stop talking to my transsexual friends online and he said it was my choice. He didn't threaten to bring it up with the church. I then asked his opinion and he said he thought either would be harmful to me right now.

The psychiatrist and social worker at the psych ward both suggested that I should see a gender-experienced counselor. As did my Primary Care Physician. So I don't think I'm being unreasonable about seeing one but I do wonder why my current counselor thinks it would be harmful. Why does everyone want to deny me information? Shouldn't I be able to make an educated decision once I'm informed of all sides and possibilities?

My counselor did of course say that it was my choice. But I do think his opinion matters. Of course part of my problem is that I tend to want to please everyone around me. In fact, I think the reason this has all come up now is because I've tried to please everyone my whole life. I denied these kinds of feelings my whole life to try to be someone everyone else wanted me to be. I did well in school, didn't rebel much, went to college, got married, was working on kids......

And right now everyone around me once again wants me to be something they want me to be and I'm trying to adhere to that and suffering because of it.


recklesskajira said...

You are who you are. Embrace it. I can't say what you should do in regards to your gender, but it's wrong for anyone to suggest that you will be alone if you make a certain choice. No one is ever irreplaceable. There are people out there waiting to love you, no matter what. If your church can't support you... how very unChristian of them. Find a new church.

Please... keep your chin up.

Lori D said...

As you know, I've been down exactly this same path. I'm alive. I'm NOT a heathen and am closer to God than I've ever been (yes, THAT Jesus Christ, the one of the Bible.) I'm also still married and my kids love me more than ever (see my latest post this evening).

What I'm trying to say is that 1. The people in your bible study are only doing what they think is right but are going about it in a very wrong fashion. Are THEY medical experts? Why would you trust a church minister to take care of your medical needs? Wouldn't that be a doctor's job? In the same way, would you go to the E/R to have a doctor give you moral support? No way!

2. A counselor cannot ever ever tell you who you are. Neither can I, or the next person. Only you know what's going on inside your mind, and only you can deal with this. Some people choose to never transition for the sake of their marriage. It's noble. (See Calie's Chronicles in my T-Central blog ). Others just HAVE to transition and hope they stay married. Most marriages fail, that's just the way it is.

My last point is this: Don't you dare do that again, that is, make another attempt on your life. Don't you realize how precious you are to those around you? To God? To your friends? What about the people you've yet to help? And most of all, what about YOU? Don't YOU deserve to breathe life's evergreens through the cool whisper of the pines? Look out your window. You know life is there, but it's also IN you.

Decide today that no matter how bad it gets, you'll get through this, each painstaking day of your life. I've been through hell, and I'm here to tell you that there is hope. You know it. The tears you've cried are precious to God and He's trying to answer your prayers. But you need to let Him.

You're loved. I'm outie. You know where to find me. I want to have reassurance I know where to find you...alive and pressing onward.


thesweetestnote said...

My goodness! I'm new here and catching up on your posts. This one hit me pretty hard. That was the most unchristian thing they did to you. Things like that -make/have made- me leave my church. We suffer with enough when it comes to God and feelings of guilt and what not. That type of treatment and thinking coming from "Christians" is the worse. You just want to slap them upside the head and ask them if have learned anything.

I read a quote once from Mother Teresa that said " see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway."

I am glad you picked yourself up after this. And as Lori said, YOU ARE LOVED!

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