Tuesday, September 1, 2009


So it's been a while since I've posted publicly. So many people seem to know about what's going on in my life right now I kind of had to retreat into my shell for a bit.

These are the things people have been telling me:

  1. God made me a man and He doesn't make mistakes
  2. I am treating this like an idol
  3. It's shameful for a man's hair to grow long
  4. A man should not wear women's clothes
  5. I am rejecting God by doing this
  6. I am rejecting my wife and her family by doing this
  7. I should suffer and be self-sacrificing instead of going through with this
  8. I will be excommunicated from the church
  9. These thoughts and desires come from Satan, not from inside me
  10. I should not do ANYTHING feminine, ever.
  11. I should love my wife and not myself
  12. The phrase "You must love yourself before you can love others" is not true
  13. I will never really be a woman
  14. God will still see my spirit as a man
  15. I will lose my salvation
  16. I will go to hell
  17. I should not explore the other side of these arguments, just accept this side as truth
  18. I am not being strong enough
  19. I should just be happy being a feminine, tender-hearted guy
  20. This is like a porn addiction and can be suppressed similarly
  21. If God doesn't take this away then I should live with it for the rest of my life
  22. He made us male and female for a reason

Etc, etc, and so forth. And then they wonder why I have these sudden thoughts of suicide???

My response has been to retreat a bit and try to investigate what is true and right. All my life I was raised in the Christian church and with the belief that homosexuality and transgenderism is a sin. I never even questioned it, it was so ingrained. It's probably part of the reason I buried any of these transgender feelings while I was growing up in the first place. Now that I'm feeling these feelings I'm starting to wonder.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not questioning whether God exists or the bible is true. I still believe those things and have tested those things in my mind all throughout growing up. It just never occured to me that translation and interpretation could be compromised or that there could be validity to other interpretations. Now, I'm also not saying I now suddenly believe that homosexuality is right. I just don't know right now. I'm still searching my heart and trying to understand what is going on there as well as what God really considers true and right.

It's hard though. I've been told that the voice of God is through the Bible and other Christians around me speaking scripture from it. Yet everyone around me is always speaking against this as they have my whole life. It was easy to believe and agree when it wasn't so personal.

I know God made me a man on the outside but circumstances that He allowed to happen (whether that be how my fetus was formed and/or how I was conditioned in the early years of my life) have produced these feelings that I have been having.

One comparison is to a hermaphrodite being born. God allowed that to happen. Should that person be forced to live like that because God created him/her like that or should they be allowed to choose to become a whole man or a whole woman? And what about a child born blind? If we have the technology, shouldn't we try to cure their blindness? The only difference between me and these examples is that theirs are much more obvious on the outside where as the only ones who really know what's going on inside myself are me and God. Everyone else just sees it as a struggle to overcome and get on with my life as a man.

My wife loves me so much and I love her equally as much. But she has said over and over that the second I start on Hormone Replacement Therapy, she will leave me because:

  1. She believes what I'm doing is wrong and a sin
  2. She believes that she should not be in an intimate relationship with a woman.

She has also voiced that no matter what I do to my body, God will always see my soul as a man, that I will always still just be a man. I laugh at the obvious contradiction to one of the reasons she would leave me. I just wish she could see what I see...that it will still be me. She didn't marry my genitals. She married me for my heart. That will not change. But she doesn't see it that way.

From here on out, I'm still trying to get in contact with some other counselors while still seeing my current one. I'd like to research other arguments but at the same time, continue praying and reading the word to really hear from God what it is He wants me to do.

If this IS wrong, what I want to do, then I need to NOT do it somehow. But if it's right and God understands and still loves me, I will most likely want to go through with it. Everyone else doesn't really matter frankly. Just me and God. If my wife wants to leave me because of her beliefs then so be it. It would be hard but while she thinks I'd be rejecting her I'd see it as quite the opposite.


Lori D said...

You're on a tough road. Believe me, I know. I think what I like most about what I've read so far in your writing is that you're sorting this all out and sharing your thoughts. You're obviously finding a welcomed release by writing, and I would encourage you to keep doing so. You may not have all the answers right away, but if you keep love off the table and don't use it as a chip to negotiate with, whatever you both decide is best for each other's happiness will be the right choice and it won't hurt as much.

I've added your blog to my other blog T-central so others can follow along. I hope they do. Be well.

Jessica De Leon said...

God made me a man and He doesn't make mistakes

I don't like when people use this as an attack against TG's / gays. Absolutely correct, God doesn't make mistakes, we are all here for a reason and our paths in life aren't always clear. God created us all with purpose and does NOT hate us for how He made us.

Excellent writing, straight from the heart as usual Debra ;)

I am glad that you are continuing to use this blog as an outlet for your feelings. I know that things are rough for you right now but always remember that you have friends who are here to support you with open arms.

God has blessed you with a special gift, I sincerely hope that others in your life can open up their hearts and minds to that.


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