Saturday, September 19, 2009

Possible Separation

Today my wife and I went down to see her parents and goto the fair. On the way down she started discussing the possibility of separating for a time. Neither of us know what that would really look like. We'd share the same finances still, I'd stay at the house and she'd live somewhere else temporarily until I either decide to transition or decide that it is not right for me and that I want to fight it and stay married to her.

She has been in a lot of pain over the last few days because of me and her sexual thoughts about being with another woman. She thinks those thoughts are wrong so all she can do is feel guilty constantly. She even said she felt guilty hugging or kissing me because she felt like I was being too feminine and she felt like she was stumbling from her own sexual desires of being with a woman.

Anyway, I agreed that this was something we should probably do. I think that it sounds like she needs some time away from me because of how I'm making her feel and I could use some time away from her to try to realize what life would be like without her because I will lose her if I go forward with transition. I can imagine crossdressing again as well if this happens.

We will both pray about this more and she wants my father's blessing as well before we go forward with it. Not to mention she'll need to work out living accommodations with her parents or people from church.

I don't want to do this but I know this is a step down the road I am traveling. Unless I turn back, I must accept the consequences.


Lori D said...

She's being swarmed into a position that this is a lesbian relationship, and her guilt is not coming from God but from her own fears and paradigm. I speak only from my own experience from my Christian wife, who has too struggled to come to terms with this. It's ultimately about this: your wife married who she married, and she didn't see you as a woman to begin with, she'll unlikely really see you as a woman until and unless there is a full transition. And at that point you'll both have traveled a long road and have thought through so much. You'll both truly be different, and hopefully better educated and better off.

My wife and I separated for six months last year. It started out as a small separation to think things through but lengthened b/c she had to tend to her mother who was suffering from cancer. The time away really made us realize we missed each other and wanted to continue life with each other. Life without was even more painful..we knew we were made for each other.

Even now, it's hard...really hard. But our love for each other is still solid, and we're doing the best we can and staying committed to the vows we made fifteen years ago.

You two do whatever YOU TWO need to do. Decide now that no one including relatives and friends will have any say as to what you both decide as best between each other. Good luck and God bless.


Amorous Eyes said...

My (then) wife thought she could handle it but as the months went by it was clear she could not and we wound up divorced. I have to say I am happier now than I was then.

Justified or not, I felt held back and constraint out of guilt and thus didn't live my life to my full potential. It just made me depressed knowing she would never truly accept me and I didn't want to keep up appearances.

Every road you take will be tough and come with its own set of hardships. Ultimately you have to choose which of these roads -you- want to be on.


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