Friday, October 2, 2009

Baby Steps

So a lot has happened since my wife and I originally decided that we were going to temporarily separate. We were preparing for that and then she came home one night from counseling and told me she was going to stay with me. But she said that she would never acknowledge or accept me as a woman even through HRT and SRS. She said her counselor told her that me saying I was a girl inside was like me saying I was a "frog" and that her acknowledging that and helping me in any way with that would be like feeding me "flies".

I felt devastated to hear that. I didn't know what to do. I felt like her staying with me and not accepting me was like her leaving me all over again except even worse. I did take the news differently in one way. That night, I shaved my legs, chest, stomach, and armpits for the first time in over 2 months. I also pulled out the leftover girl's clothes that my wife didn't sell or give away and began sleeping in a nightie once again. I also began wearing women's underwear exclusively.

Originally I had been waiting till we separated before I started dressing again but now that she was staying I saw no reason to wait. I saw my counselor shortly after and have talked to lots of friends with different opinions. At this point, I think the best thing to do is continue on my path to transition and try to love my wife along the way and be thankful that she is staying with me. I can only hope that she will either learn to love me and accept me for who I am, a girl....or decide that she can no longer take it and leave me to go on with her life at some point along the way.

In the meantime, I'm taking baby steps. I've begun dressing as often as I can when I'm at home. This week that included a lot of new experiences for me including:

1. Getting fit for a wig at a wig shop instead of buying one online.
2. Getting my ears pierced!
3. Going to Payless and trying on shoes and buying them instead of buying them online.
4. Making an appointment to get my legs waxed professionally
5. Trying on and buying new girl's clothes at a department store.

It's weird but I feel so much more empowered now that I am finally accepting that I really am a girl. I've also noticed other changes in myself that involve how I react to things. I'm no longer freaking out (for the most part) when my wife leaves for hours at a time when I'm dressed up. Instead I feel .....patience. Or when she calls me a "monster"....I feel annoyed instead of hurt. Annoyed because I know it's not true. Yes I can still acknowledge she has feelings and they are valid but I am trying to learn to not take them on as my burden. And thats the case for everyone around me.

The next few steps involve the short sale of our house and getting my sperm banked before going on hormone replacement therapy. Those couple steps are actually quite big and might take a while too. Right now it's just a matter of taking it day by day and continuing to try to be myself and love my wife and my God and those around me in every way I can.


Amorous Eyes said...

First of all I want to say I admire your courage and strength to decide to go through with your transition despite the ignorance you are faced with every day.

Second, your wife's counselor is obviously a jerk and unfit to counsel when it comes to gender related matters to say something so horribly cruel and wrong.

Either way, I think you're awesome and pray you continue on your path, as hard as it may be at times.

Love! <3

ff said...

Cover your ass before you get hurt any more - emotionally or financially. Take care of yourself first 100% and get secure, then see what you can do for others. Don't listen to her or that bs from her doc. They are completely cisgendered transphobes. She may be saying she wants to support you but why is she even seeing a doctor that makes up bullshit like that which is so obviously transphobic and harmful to you. That should show you that you need to think for yourself.

Trujess said...

Just because people have different beliefs does not mean they are 100% against each other. ...we can't go through life being selfish...we should consider others needs above our own... yes there is a balance, its not good to get walked over either, but life isn't about any one of us... but then you know that ;)

Mike said...

After reading through this tiny segment of what your mind is going through. and you telling me about it on gchat!

I feel like I should be writing something inspirational or give some great advice.

I can't, I can't even comprehend what you and your family is going through. But here what I can say in a few short things from my own short life experiences.

Yeah here comes my great list!

1) Nothing is easy in life, often the easy path isn't Godly

2) If going "full-bore" (I just love using that term) makes you feel like a whole person there's no reason NOT to do it (yes double negatives!)

3) Yes, it's your path but this "path" isn't just a one lane highway with only you on it, there are many "paths" with many "intersections" that sometimes you have to make decisions based on that. But that doesn't mean you should get run-over by a Mack truck either to let another "path" go by. now that I've written this all I think my number #3 is better said by Trujess above me.

4) Guinness is good for the soul in moderation.

I'd like to leave with this my favorite Irish toast!

May the best day of your past be the worst day in the future.

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