Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween Happenings

So I went to a halloween party last night in Seattle with a couple friends. I wore my cheerleading outfit and was feeling pretty good about that. Met some new people, danced a little, drank a little, hung out with friends, and just had a good time in general. But 2 things happened that night that struck me.

The first thing was while I was in line to get a drink from the bar, a guy walked up to me and asked if it was the line for the bar and I said yes and then he actually asked me, "btw, are you a woman?". And I can still hear him saying those words in my head. It's a rather rude question to ask someone, really. I was telling my wife the other day that it's rude to ask if somebody is "trans" whether they are or not, it's just plain rude. Well my response to this gentleman was "I'm trans". He said "ah ok, well it's a great costume" and then he sped off. But I was left thinking about his question and my response. I know that halloween is a time for guys to dress up as girls sometimes whether they are trans or not so it can be a night where people question you or read you. So really I guess it was a good thing that he had to ask...maybe I passed well enough (given of course the situation of it being dark and everyone drinking). More concerning to me than his question however, was my automatic response. Why couldn't I have said "Yes, I'm a woman"? If I could go back and do it again, that is what I would say but I think this shows that there's still part of me that's ashamed of my body not being right.....I can say I'm a woman inside but my automatic response because of the fact that my body still appears male (at least when naked) made me blurt out that I was trans, like it was some way of telling the truth because saying I was a woman would've been a lie. But it's not a lie, it's just a partial truth because in soul and in heart and in mind, I AM a woman....and yet the body and actions are still in transition to be made right. And now when I think about that situation, the tendrils of regret for my response entangle me still.

The other thing that hit me that night was actually after the party. We went to my friend's house and her and her fiance were going to go in the jacuzzi. They had talked about this previously and I had thought about joining them maybe someday in the future. But they somehow convinced me that it would be ok to do so that night. I was nervous and yet excited. She had a spare one piece suit that would fit me and since I was self conscious about my lack of bust, she suggested I just keep my forms in under my suit. Minutes later, I found myself looking at a girl in a bathing suit in the mirror. Never mind that my hips weren't extra big or that my tummy was not completely trim....standing in front of me was a woman in a bathing suit and she looked beautiful. I know that underneath the suit there were breast forms as well as a bad tuck job but outside of the suit, I really and truly looked like the girl I was supposed to be. It was like a foreshadowing of what was to come and it gladdened my heart. We didn't even end up going in the jacuzzi because it was luke warm but my night had already been made so I really didn't care.

Thanks Elayne and Brent for inviting me to the party and encouraging me to peek out from underneath my self consciousness.


Sophia Athena Farren said...

That is so great to hear about your experience with the bathing suit, that must have been exhilarating to feel that way! Hope one day I can actually do something like that!

In regards to what you said to that guy, it seems understandable you would say something like that. Personally I have no idea what I'd say to someone who asked me that. One thing we both need to realize is that all of this is pretty new to us so our brains are going to take time to adapt! So we may say stuff that doesn't seem correct, the best thing to do is learn from it and move on!

Leslie Ann said...

On a night where people play with gender, among other variables, maybe a better response would have been a flirtatious "What do you think?" Then you could have been sure whether you were passing or not.

I'm glad you got a big validation in the bathing suit. It's great when the mirror agrees with what is in our heads.

Trujess said...

I think its great that you were honest...because there isn't just an easy isn't necessarily because of shame... It would be much harder for you if you got involved with someone and after putting your heart into the relationship they left because they found out you were trans.

Always be honest bub...that is one thing that you have always been, almost to an extreme that alot of other people are not. Even if you change everything else...don't change that.

Petra Bellejambes said...

Dear Debra - The question as you rightly say was wrong. I think and answer along the lines of "I am Debra" might be perfect. When the premise is wrong, don't do the premise justice.

Glad you had a magic night too btw.


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