Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tribute to Baybo and Jermo

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Life and Love

You know when you mix oil and water how it slowly settles and separates? But then when you shake it up , it temporarily mixes again? That's kind of how my mind feels today. Things that had settled in my mind are a bit shaken up. I've been handed a few many compliments of late on both things such as my feminine looks as well as loving spirit and as compliments usually are, it's been hard for me to accept.

First off I ask myself why is it hard to accept? Maybe I think that by accepting such compliments I'm taking a plunge into a pride that I know i have deep down inside myself? That by doing so, I'm fueling an ego that comes from those of us in the Computer field? It's like the very modest guy whom the church gives an award, "The most modest guy" and then they take it away when he WEARS it. lol. It's a paradox. How do you accept a compliment without taking pride in it? And how do you take pride in it without seeming haughty? Do you compliment back? Do you simply say "thanks" and move on? Do you smile, blush, and fish for more compliments?

The second part of that is, if I am to realize and accept what people have told me...then I am very blessed in more than one way....which leads me to another question. What am I to do with these blessings? What am I do to with my life? What does God want me to do and how can He use my gifts? I suppose He's already been at work some in this and I don't believe it was a mistake that all of this happened to me now. There are so many people out there hurting....especially in the trans community. I have to think that God has a plan for me and them and I just need to figure out what that is.

How does He want me to show love to them? It's not about converting people...it's not about doing what scripture says down to the very word....it's about loving one another. Love God. Love everyone else. How can I show love to those who need it most, and especially in this community where it is so common to be hurt by the ones that are supposed to love you the most, even to the point of desiring to take your own life.

Yes, the oil and water are shaken up....guess we'll see how they settle this time.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

In Between

At the summit
yet still in the valley
my body is broken
yet secretly mending
advancing so slowly
in feminine feelings
desires still syncing
with coming attraction
love and tenderness
wanting to comfort
pushed away, cold
guilty and blaming
days go by
in thousands of seconds
frozen slow motion
between here and there
time is a dimension
anchoring my crawl
I've never felt so in between.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

HRT Changes

So as my counter above shows, it's been about 12 days since I started on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). I just wanted to log some of the changes I had noticed since I started.

Physically, I can't say I've noticed any changes. It's only been about 2 weeks, so that's understandable. However, emotionally, I definitely have experienced some change. I can remember 2-3 times where I got rather annoyed with someone over something simple and stupid. I also remember 6-10 times where I started crying and the tears were free flowing. This could've been from hearing a meaningful song, reading someone else's life story, thinking about the loss of my family, or other things. I've had periods of a sense of complete and utter joy...in the middle of a meeting at work (LOL weird, I know) and then within that same 30 minute meeting, a sense of despair.....all of this of course nothing to do with the meeting at hand.

This last week, I also talked with a couple of other pre-op girls who are much farther along than I am and they both talked a lot about their boyfriends. I had new feelings flow up from inside me during this time, something I don't think I've ever experienced before. Whereas before, when this would happen, I'd find myself mostly unable to relate....this time, I found myself desiring what they described.

Relationship with a man? Really? I mean I had read about the possibilities of HRT changing your orientation (in some people) but knowing about it and being open to it, is quite different from actually experiencing it....even if only a small part. I began experiencing a desire that I had never had before....a desire to be held in strong arms, to feel flirty, sexy, feminine and appreciated for being all of those things by someone. There's just an indescribable feeling that floats up from within me when I think of those kinds of things...and yet it's still rather confusing because for the most part, I'm still not attracted to men physically or facially. Men have been smiling at me when I'm out and about since I began transition and when it happens, I usually am too surprised to smile back before they move on.....it's interesting that recently I smiled back and turned a couple shades more red! hah.

Anyway, the process continues and I choose to embrace my true self even as those around me cut me out of their lives completely. More to come!

MAC "Smokey Eyes" Makeover

Earlier this week, I made an appointment to get a makeover at MAC. Saturday night was Ingersoll Gender Center's Snowball event (dance/christmas get together) and I wanted to get a little bit glammed up than my everyday makeup look. So I called them up on Wednesday and got an appointment. The girl asks me "Is it for you or for a girl?". I wanted to cry but I said "It's for me". For days after, I would regret not saying "It's for me but I'm a girl or It's for me, I'm transgender". Such is life. Her next question made it worse though: "Do you want a soft smokey eye or something more drag?" and my heart just totally sank. I of course blathered out "No, no drag...just the soft smokey eye....it's for a dance.".

Well I was feeling rather self conscious over the next few days and on Saturday morning, even though I knew they'd still be taking the makeup off when I got there, I still applied beard concealer, eyeshadow, and eye liner. When I arrived at MAC, (right on time, I might add) they were pretty busy helping customers so I walked around the store glancing at different shades of eyeshadow but once again, I found myself not interested in any of it because I knew i couldn't afford to buy anything that day. So I ended up waiting at the counter while the ladies rang up a couple other people. When they were done, I heard them say something about the 12 oclock appointment and then one of them turned to me and said and I'm guessing that's you? I said "yes" but again, my heart completely fell. Was I that easy to read? The gal asked another girl if she was going to do my makeover and she said yes after she helped another customer with some blush....but the look on this girl's face looked like she was none to happy about it. By this time, I think my self confidence was at an all time low, and I followed them into the makeover room and sat and waited for the lady to be done.

I sat there looking in the mirror at myself and wanted to cry. I felt like my heart was on my sleeve and I was at their mercy to crush it. Then I was very surprised when the girl came bursting in and saying "Hi my name is Ali" and gave me a big hug and a sweet smile. And things started to get better from there. She was really more than nice the whole time, very sweet, helping me and showing me what she was doing and even letting me try some of it. Then we got to eyelashes and she showed me how to curl them with an eyelash curler, a great and new experience. I made some comments here and there making sure she knew that I didn't want anything 'drag'-ish and when she did my eyebrows a little darker, I said something about "as long as it doesn't look guy-ish" and she said "oh no honey, I won't let that happen!". She also understood when I said I couldn't buy anything that day but asked her to write down all the names and shades of makeup she used so that I could come back when I could afford it. She gladly obliged. She also at one point said, "I hope you come back, you're so sweet." and I beamed.

After everything was over, I looked in the mirror and wow, it didn't look like I had that much makeup on at all and yet I thought I looked really good. She and the other girls said I looked very beautiful and I found myself with a much easier step and lighter heart leaving the place than when I had first arrived.

Thanks to the girls at MAC for once again making my experience a good one, even if it started out a bit shakey for me. And special thanks to Ali for doing a great job and treating me like just another girl. =)

Before and After pics:

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Emotional Medley

Smiling through a thousand tears
adolescent fears consume
plastic smile, don't let anybody in
everyday, I just play the part
fooling everyone except my heart
hiding in my skin, broken from within.

When darkness turns to light
there's a song inside of my soul;
it could break my heart or save me
but I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find.

I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game
there's no place to hide
but I don't think I'm scared.

Well I can't really take credit for the words, phrases....I essentially strung together parts of many songs that have a very emotional effect on me and transition in general. I'll name them here:

Mariah Carey - Looking in
Defying Gravity - Glee
The Real Me - Natalie Grant
It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
Sober - Kelly Clarkson
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
This Side - Nickel Creek
Reflection - Christina Aguilera

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Being Me

I had a revelation today. It might come off as stupid or obvious to some of you and I guess it is but it really hit me.

That revelation is: I don't miss being J*****.

Ok so not to be taken the wrong way, this does NOT mean that I don't miss my family wanting to be around me, loving me, spending holidays with me or that I don't miss my wife and the love that we have shared for the last 8 years...not at all, I miss all of them dearly and it's really sad and difficult that they are choosing to do what they are doing....but they need to do what they believe is right.

What I mean when I say I don't miss being J***** is I don't miss being a boy, a guy. I don't miss using the men's restroom. I don't miss Men's bible study. I don't miss playing video/computer games for hours, even days on end. And of course definitely don't miss being called "Mister T*****". I don't miss going to the bathroom standing up. I don't miss being known as an Eagle Scout. I don't miss the automatic respect I might receive at an auto repair shop. I don't miss being a recluse, hiding away in my house or room, doing my own thing all the time. I don't miss all that hair on my body. And I don't even miss it not taking an hour and a half to get ready to go someplace haha.

And it of course goes on but it was kind of amazing to me that I didn't miss any of that. That being a woman, really does feel right. When I first started going full time (except work) , part of me really thought I'd get bored or burned out...it was almost a test for myself to see if this was really all true.

So all other negative side effects aside, I just love being ME!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Quick update for the week

So I've had a few vlogs going on the past few days but figured I'd do a regular blog update too. My wife moved out today so that was kinda of weird. In truth she hadn't been sleeping here since Monday night and even before then off and on anyway so it doesn't seem that different already. I love and miss her but this is really for the best. We are still going to get the house finished/cleaned up and get it on the market though.

My Dad sent me an email this week saying that his counselor had said that he should cut off all communication with me and so he was doing it because he believed it held relevance with the parable in the bible about the Prodigal son. Talk about depressing. That was the day before I started hormones too. I talked to a friend about this and she mentioned that it sounded like the counselor they were seeing was using principles from a book like "Tough Love" which is a book for parents and how to cope with or deal with kids who are addicted to drugs. Essentially they're trying to treat something I was born with (GID) like I'm choosing to be addicted to a drug. Wow. My aunt told me today that she talked with my dad and that he told her he'd talk to me but only if I approached him first....whatever the point of that is, I don't know.

When I met with the doctor about the blood tests he had me do, I was once again intersted to see that my testosterone levels were still around 280 when most guys are around 500-700 range and my estrogen was mid range of 22 (instead of a low range). It made me wonder if I was intersex like I had originally thought (XXY chromosomes) but it seems that that is not an easy or cheap test to have done. (DNA Test/Kareotype). But still interesting to note. Someone from my old church messaged me today and asked me why I didn't try to go through testosterone therapy if that was the problem. Things like that just amaze me at how people think they understand something more than you when it becomes obvious they haven't even done the research.

Here's how it works: My brain is a FEMALE brain, my body is a MALE body. If you add more testosterone you make the situation WORSE because you're widening the gap between body and brain EVEN MORE. Wow! Who woulda thunk it?? Come on people if you're going to try to get on my case, at least do the research first. Estrogen therapy is done such that the body can become MORE IN SYNC with the mind because there is no way to change the brain currently.

On that note, I've been on hormones (Estrogen and Testosterone-blocker) for 4 days now. I have mostly noticed that my emotions (sadness/joy) tend to spike more quickly, bringing tears usually, at a lot of different things. Otherwise I just have had a few good days, feeling more feminine.....maybe they're just placebos to help you feel more confident as a woman! haha!

Thanks to Sophia for hangin out tonight and thanks to the many many friends that have continued to support me in my decision to be true to myself.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

First Hormones!

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