Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Being Me

I had a revelation today. It might come off as stupid or obvious to some of you and I guess it is but it really hit me.

That revelation is: I don't miss being J*****.

Ok so not to be taken the wrong way, this does NOT mean that I don't miss my family wanting to be around me, loving me, spending holidays with me or that I don't miss my wife and the love that we have shared for the last 8 years...not at all, I miss all of them dearly and it's really sad and difficult that they are choosing to do what they are doing....but they need to do what they believe is right.

What I mean when I say I don't miss being J***** is I don't miss being a boy, a guy. I don't miss using the men's restroom. I don't miss Men's bible study. I don't miss playing video/computer games for hours, even days on end. And of course definitely don't miss being called "Mister T*****". I don't miss going to the bathroom standing up. I don't miss being known as an Eagle Scout. I don't miss the automatic respect I might receive at an auto repair shop. I don't miss being a recluse, hiding away in my house or room, doing my own thing all the time. I don't miss all that hair on my body. And I don't even miss it not taking an hour and a half to get ready to go someplace haha.

And it of course goes on but it was kind of amazing to me that I didn't miss any of that. That being a woman, really does feel right. When I first started going full time (except work) , part of me really thought I'd get bored or burned out...it was almost a test for myself to see if this was really all true.

So all other negative side effects aside, I just love being ME!


Sophia Athena Farren said...

Girl you inspire me more then you can imagine.

Rebecca said...

That's what life is all about, being happy with who you are! You do give hope to the rest of us!

Debra said...

Thanks girls =) It's definitely a good feeling.

ms.shandy said...

This is really a fascinating read. I have already started to be myself enough that I've lost a lot of fabled male privelge, despite being identified as a male in most instances. And like you, I have discovered that it is definitely not something I ever needed. Nice to see a glimpse further into the process from someon who still has no regrets in that regard.

Your mentions of video games and being a recluse also caught my notice. Before I started transition, there were two things holding me back from accomplishing anything in life. The first, was that nothing in the world mattered if I could not be myself. The second, was that social interaction was very mechanical and unenjoyable, since I had to filter everything and could not really open up.

Because of those two things, I was hugely reclusive, and resorted to escapism. Daydreams, books, video games. I lived in a dream world where I was free to be myself.

So I sort of see what you mean. My physical transition is far from complete, and I live mostly as male. Despite that, I am being myself and the physical changes have helped me gain some level of esteem too. The world feels hopeful, and I've graduated from reclusive behavior and escapism, and embraced the world. I love to socialize, and I'm full of hope now that I'm making progress on the gender issues I once felt insurmountable.

I can hardly wait to reach a point where I am comfortable with my body and perceived gender status so that I can focus my attention fully on other things. You sound like someone speaking form the other side of that mile post, and I am very happy that you have arrived. :)

Sorry I'm so wordy! LOL!

Debra said...

I totally know what you mean ms.shandy about being reclusive because of lack of being comfortable with yourself. I always just wrote it off as being an introvert....and yet now I no longer feel like one. It's quite weird.

As for being able to focus on other things outside of transition...I'd have to say I'm still a ways off from being there! =) But I'm trying.

Rick Muth said...

Debra, and I have to say that I really like that name, there is something that I must say. The key is, it doesnt matter wheather a person is male or female, what does matter is that you are happy with yourself. I can see you are, when I watch your videos, and there is that big smile on your face. Just remember, that it takes more muscles to frown, than it does to smile. :)


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