I hear stories about children
who grow up how they should
their parents struggle
but eventually do what's right
their true love shines.
Feelings of empathic joy
burst from my chest
reaching out to these kids
that are able to be real
to themselves and the world.
But from my own eyes
the showers flow free
sadness and envy
for many lost years
and now lost parents.
I'm an orphan girl
alone on the streets
taken in to find replacements
of such parents
that turned their back.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
License came in the mail today, wow the DOL was fast! And the picture is much better than the Black and white one, surprisingly. Not much, but better haha.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Well I finally did it. I got my new Driver's License today. And guess what? The picture on it....was horrible! I don't know if it's because my smile is only halfway or because the wig looks like.....a wig! Ah well. Apparently October of 2011, I need to get it renewed so hopefully I'll look better by then =) Then again, it is a driver's license picture so it probably won't anyway haha. Of course, the coolest part is that the F is there under Sex. What more could I ask for? =)
After my trip to the DOL, I ran over to the Mukilteo School District to change my HR records from 10 years ago. Not sure if it really matters but I was told to change them at all my previous employers if possible. I asked the lady over the phone if I could just mail something in. I was concerned that my mom would have a very hard time if she saw me at her work (yes we used to work together) but the lady said I had to come in and show them the actual Social Security card before they made a copy. So I obliged. On the way over, I had this daydream that I would walk in and my mom would walk by and the vision in my head was of her hugging me, her daughter. I desperately wanted to cling to that daydream but it floated away on a tear down my face as I arrived. Changing my HR records was uneventful...I recognized a couple ladies from when I used to work there but none of them commented which was fine. I just hope this doesn't start any rumors that might make my mom more uncomfortable about me than she already is.
I was thinking about my mom a lot today. I think it has to do with reading Dana's blog (posted about in an earlier post) as well as my HR Manager's friend who is also a mother of a trans girl. Top it all off with the couple of ladies that would like to love me as a mother loves a daughter and it can get emotional. It all just reminds me that my own mom no longer wants anything to do with me.
Anyways, the name change is just about done. I have a few things left like car and house insurance as well as the mortgage. Once I'm done, I'll probably post a list of everything I did and what they required.
To make up for the bad driver's license pic I took a few more pics than I usually do for my transition profile. Here's one I liked.
I just wanted to give a short plug for a blog out there that I just found today. It's called Helping her find her way and it's about Dana, a mother of a 16 year old transgender daughter and the struggles that come with.
I am amazed, abashed, and awed at how supportive she is to her daughter, Jaime. I couldn't help but cry and cry and cry while reading her posts. Tears of happiness for Jaime that she is starting on a journey to be herself so young and also sadness of the reminder of my own plight with my family rejecting me.
Check out her blog and leave a comment. I applaud you, Dana.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
LOL I didn't realize I said the same thing at the start of every blog, just about. Kinda funny.
You can tell some changes in voice going on too hehe.
You can tell some changes in voice going on too hehe.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Well wow, it seems I have been passed along an award, the Glamorous Blog Award. Who, you might ask, has sprung such a thing on myself? None other than the glamourous lady herself, Petra, the author of a blog, Voyages En Rose. In this blog, she goes through lengthy descriptions of her own experiences as well as reviewing products such as pantyhose. I have to say I've always been very impressed with how amazing her writings are but I cannot begin to describe it. You'll have to visit her blog and find out for yourself. =) Thank you Petra for the award.
As is the custom with such awards as this, I will now award it to 10 other bloggers whom I currently follow:
- A Life Reborn by Rebecca
- Lori's Revival by Lori D
- Out of My Mind by Leslie Ann
- Rebirth by Sophia Farren
- Shooting Rapids Without a Paddle by Shannon
- Confessions of a Lingerie Addict by Treacle
- Dream Flight by Shandy Alexis
- Amorous Eyes by Julie
- The Trinity Documentation Project by Trinity Annabelle
- The Good, Bad, and the Blonde by Kelli Bennett
So with that, for you 10 who have now received this award, do the right thing and pick 10 of your own blogs to give this award, email them and let them know, and copy the Glamorous Award picture and post it on your own post. =)
Thanks for making my days a little bit brighter by posting of yourselves on your blogs. And thank you as well, Petra, for the award. =)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Over the last couple days my boobs have been really itching badly. That might be too much information but I had to throw that out there to explain my actions for the topic of this blog post. I've been told by many girls that this is a sign that they will start to hurt soon, which of course means they are growing! hehe. So that's exciting despite the annoyance.
Anyway, because of this, yesterday I decided I needed to go in for a bra fitting and get at least one bra that fit me right without breast forms. My reasoning behind this was that once they start hurting, the pain might be too much to wear breast forms for a while.
So I ventured forth to the mall to Victoria's Secret. I did have a friend mention that they didn't necessarily do a good job at fitting and she suggested somewhere else, saying the bras fit better. But I was already on my way to Victoria's Secret so I just figured I would see what I could find out.
I arrived and started browsing until I came upon an attendant, at which time I asked her if I could receive a bra fitting. She said "of course" and led me back to the fitting rooms. She got the measuring tape out and had me take my coat off. She asked me if I had a very padded bra and I mentioned that I had breast forms in. So she got me into a dressing room where I took my breast forms out and put them in my purse. She then proceeded to measure me with my shirt, cami, and bra still on. I was a bit surprised because I had assumed she would want all of those removed first to get a proper fitting, especially because my bra was a 36C to accommodate the breast forms. She ended up saying I was a 38B. I was a bit shocked but I guess I shouldn't have been because of the way she measured. She then gave me a few 38B bras to try on. I tried a couple on and felt like the cup was way too big for what little I have at this point. I had measured at home and come up with 35A so a 36A should fit.
So I asked the attendant for some 36As to try on and she kindly obliged. A couple of these were actually too tight around the back and some of them were too narrow for my wide chest/shoulders. I also noticed that because I was showing much less up on top, my stomach was sticking out more!! Ugh! I was getting to a point where I felt like crying....this whole experience was beginning to be a reminder of how my body is not how it should be, in effect, they don't make a bra size that fits me right. I started to tear up a little but composed myself and had the lady come in and take a look at how they were fitting. I finally picked one of the 36As out that fit ok but not great. The lady showed me over to where they had other colors but all they had was black, white, and nude. Ugh! lol. If I was going to buy one bra that I could wear during my time of hurting, I wanted it to be cute.
So I began browsing the store now that I knew what my size was in general. The clearance bras did not hold too much for me in 36A but I picked out a few and went back and tried them on. I found one that was decent and green. :) I also found another style that fit me well but was not on sale at all. So I went back out again and before I checked out, I found myself looking at the Miraculous Bra. They didn't have 36A but I figured why not try the 36B. I picked up a pretty deep purple one and suddenly realized how they claimed it would add 2 cup sizes. The bra was ultra padded! The 2 cup sizes come from lots and lots of padding. I thought to myself, wow I need to try this on just to see.
So I made my way back to the dressing rooms once more. I tried this amazingly gorgeous looking brassiere on and found myself looking in the mirror and gaining self confidence by the second. Not only did it fit right but it also looked like I actually had breasts! I positioned my boobs appropriately and it almost looked like I had cleavage even! I knew that I had to get this bra. The bad thing is it's their flag ship bra right now so it was NOT on sale but at this point, I just didn't care. I had to have it. This was the one bra that I could wear without breast forms and still feel good about myself.
Such was my bra fitting experience at Victoria's Secret. Maybe when I really am a b-cup I will have to try a fitting somewhere else as well to compare experiences.
Just wanted to post the letter I wrote to my work as a way of saving it in history. The picture shown are a couple that I showed to them along with the letter.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
To Management of ***:
This letter is written to inform you of an enormous change currently happening in my life. After many years of suppressing my true feelings, I am finally taking the necessary steps to live my life authentically. What I have finally embraced is that I am a female trapped inside a biologically male body. This is a medically diagnosed condition called "Gender Identity Disorder" (GID). I recently started taking the necessary steps to treat my condition and one of the last steps is to be able to live full time as a woman which of course includes coming to work as such. As a part of my transition I will also be legally changing my first name to match my proper gender.
I know that RAF and all of the good people I work with will support me in my decision. Although I realize it will be quite an adjustment for all involved, I know my work at RAF will continue for years to come allowing me to conduct myself in such a manner as a professional woman in the workplace.
When this transition does finally occur, I would require use of the proper restroom for my designated gender or if this causes concern, that management would provide me with a viable alternative. I would also request that my IT accounts be changed to match my new name.
I have attached to this letter, an official letter from my counselor as well as a couple pictures with me dressed in proper work attire. Please feel free to ask any questions you might have. Thank you.
formerly known as J******