Friday, March 12, 2010

I will always love you

Over the last few months, my wife and I have been slowly splitting things up and learning how to live without each other. She has had an extra hard time letting go of her husband, letting go of the man she loves. I think on the other hand, I knew what I was doing and I knew that she would have to make some major changes in her beliefs to really love me for the woman I am. Realizing it was wrong of me to expect her to do so, I simply tried to help her along in the process of splitting up. I believe I was able to do this because I put up an emotional block in my heart that would not allow her feelings to flood my heart and bring me to a breaking point like they had for so many years.

We filed for divorce last week and that brought with it some definite finality to our relationship. This week, after being in each other's presence again to split up the kitchenware, she once again pleaded with me to stay with her as her husband. She even offered to try to learn to call me by my new name. I told her it was much more than calling me by my name and she left that day, crying. I waved and said "bye" and it sounded like through her crying, she said "Bye Debra". I'm still not sure if that's really what she said or not but hearing it broke down those barriers I had put up when I started transition. I proceeded to cry a torrent of tears afterward and I asked myself, as I often do, "Why am I crying, exactly?". The reasons that went through my head were that I was feeling her pain of separation, her desperation to keep me, as well as realizing how much I needed her, her of all people, to acknowledge me for the woman I am. My need for her to call me by my name, use female pronouns, treat me like her wife, NOT her husband. My need for her to be an advocate for me when she is around others who don't even want to understand my plight and continue to call me by my old name and male pronouns. I need her to be ok with us being lesbians at home and in public. She'd have to of course first believe that it was right in the eyes of God to be a homosexual.

These are all things you cannot just act out, you need to really believe in them. I emailed her that night and explained to her everything I mentioned above. She called me the next day and told me she knew she could not do those things. I think she finally caught a glimpse of what it would be like if she stayed with me and all that would entail. Something finally hit home in her heart and I could hear the comprehension in the tone of her voice as she said "I just can't do that."

My heart has taken on a reflective stance for the last few days as I contemplated everything we've been through together and how much I still love her and how much I am really going to miss her. It's funny, I think the tears I held back over the last few months all came out this week.

So with that, I'd like to send a personal message to my ex-wife. Jessica, Baybo, I only wish good things for you, I wish you a happy life, I'm sorry that my actions in transitioning have hurt you but I truly hope you can find a wonderful man out there that will take care of you. And I will always love you .


Petra Bellejambes said...

Dear Debra - this is an awful lot to share, and very moving. You have given up much to get on the path you are on, and I am happy to see you pay tribute to that loss here.

Regardless of the ultimate incompatibilities, clearly Jessica is made of great stuff. I am sure you won't forget that, and hope you continue to everything you can to make sure that she doesn't forget it either.

Thanks much ... Petra

Dana Andra said...

Hi Debra,

So many sacrifices and so much hurt along the way. I guess what works for me is remembering how much harder it would be NOT to transition. My heart is with you...


Treacle said...

Oh my goodness...that's such a hard decision, and my heart aches for the both of you. *hugs if you want them*

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