Sunday, April 25, 2010

Absence makes the heart.....

Over the last week, I've been staving off some major sadness. A special girl I had been getting to know suddenly stopped talking to me with no explanation as to why.

Well, it's not quite so cut and dry as that.

On Monday, we had spoken some, but not much, because her work was still crazy. Well, my laser appointment ended up taking much too long to make it to PFlag. So on the way home from laser, I called her to see how she was doing. Her ex-wife (and current roommate) picked up and I asked for her and she said she was in the shower so I just said to let her know that I called. I wasn't surprised (but slightly disappointed) that I didn't get a call back because I figured she had just gone to bed.

Tuesday afternoon, she sent me a facebook message saying that her work was crazy right now and that it was too hard to think about anything else so she asked that I be patient with her.

I guess I didn't realize she was asking me to leave her alone to her own space for a while. I assumed that despite the craziness her work was bringing her, she was still going to put forth some effort in getting to know me and spending time with me, just as we had already been doing. I responded in kind that I understood.

Wednesday came and went and so did Thursday. No contact whatsoever from her. Late Thursday night, I sent her a short facebook message asking how everything was going. Sure I didn't want her to think I was being too needy but I also thought she would have at least sent me another note by then. I also gave her a call again at some point and it went to voicemail. I didn't leave a message. I was still annoyed at myself for being so upset about this, I barely knew this girl and yet I was being so emotional over nothing. Of course it didn't feel like 'nothing'. I cried myself to sleep that night. A crying point was telling myself that she was worried about her job when we first met just like she's worried about it now....the only difference is she was still talking to me back then because she was really interested....and now, she definitely wasn't talking to me and that definitely showed she wasn't interested.

Friday, I hung out with my mom some and she of course told me not to worry. I ended up calling this girl up one more time and talking to her ex again. This time, she wasn't there. I asked her ex 'is everything ok?' and she acted confused or maybe even like she knew something but didn't want to say....she asked 'about what?' and I said 'with work' and she said 'Oh yah, it's just been stressful, we're going on a new venture.' And that's all that was said. Something about that call just made me feel even worse though.

You know, this whole time, I was really trying to keep hope up that this girl was really just too busy to talk to me for whatever reason. Then when I told a friend of mine that I had called her twice that week and that she hadn't contacted me all week.....the look on her face told me that I was an idiot to think that she wanted anything to do with me still.

I was crushed.

Usually, I might have a drink or two or even get a little tipsy but that night was one of those nights where I was determined to drown my sorrows. I was so sad, hurt, and humiliated. I felt so stupid for having feelings for a girl I barely knew and now that girl was essentially saying (with her silence) that she didn't want anything to do with me. It was like experiencing my parents disowning me all over again. And the alcohol made the two blur together in a frightful elixir.

During the week, I had been trying to get to know a couple new guys from as well which was very hard because I guess my heart has a hard time juggling like that. One of those guys ended up turning into a real jerk in one of his messages and that just added to my sorrow.

I kept seeing my mother's face in a permanent scowl of disgust at who I am and it tore at my heart like a knife. My parents and now this girl I had felt close to, no longer wanted me in their lives and it was overwhelming.

Note: I don't regret transitioning at all. Nothing will ever make me go back to my old life. The only other option is death. I am thankful that I have close friends that were with me that night. They of course both consoled me and told me how much I meant to them and it made me cry even harder.

The next morning of course sucked. Worst hangover in a long time. Such is the repayment for stupid acts of overdrinking.

I still have crazy wondering thoughts like maybe she is getting back together with her ex or maybe she went on a long business trip. But whatever the reason, it definitely seems like she is no longer interested in me and I just need to come to terms with that and move on. At this point, I still don't know what to think. it probably doesn't matter because I'm probably going to post this publicly and she can read this and that just might fuel the fire of her sudden disinterest in me. But that's who I am, open and honest, maybe too much so. If she can't deal with that then it wasn't meant to be anything anyway.

I don't think that tiny glimmer of hope in my heart will go away until I hear it from her though.


Rebecca said...

Hey Girl. Hang in here and don't give up hope; there could very well be a good reason for why she hasn't been in touch lately.

Jessica De Leon said...

I've had this happen to me in the past, and I remember how embarrassing it can be. Keep your head up sis, I know things'll be great for you in the future

Debra said...

Thanks girls! Love you both! *hugs*

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