Monday, April 12, 2010

Questioning Sexuality

Along with exploring my gender identity, I have also been exploring my sexuality. When I first began to realize I was a woman, I right away accepted the fact that I might very well be attracted to boys but I knew in my heart I would always be attracted to women too.

At some point during my transition, I did notice a change in my attractions to boys. It was mostly how seeing pictures of men with their shirts off or in their tight fitting underwear made me feel inside. It was like a giddiness of some sort. Since that happened, I began saying I was less bi and more straight.

I think a part of me did this for a lot of reasons. I was afraid of being put in a masculine role in a relationship and wasn't sure how that would work if I chose to be in a relationship with another woman. I saw many lesbians as being butch and I was not attracted to butch lesbians, only feminine ones like myself. Sex with a man seemed enticing (and still does) and yet sex with another woman doesn't really make sense to me. I think I was also intimidated by other women, especially natal women because I felt like maybe they would not think I was woman enough for them or maybe they would want me to be in the traditional masculine role in a relationship. At the same time, with boys, they seem much easier to please. And what about competition? Especially with two trans girls together, wouldn't one think the other is prettier and wouldn't that cause a mess of problems?

All of these concerns are very valid but I think the main reason I have leaned towards boys since coming out is this:

I'm afraid that other women will invalidate me as a woman because I like other women. If they know I'm transgender and am attracted to other women, they might not want to hang around with me or treat me like just another women....they might compare me to a guy who's just dressing in women's clothes just so 'he' can hang out with other women. Isn't that the ultimate thing portrayed on TV and in movies? The guys always want to meet new chicks and what a better way then to dress up and get close to them as one of them? The thought of this haunts me and is very painful. The other thing about being interested in guys is that it's a common thing to talk about with other girls.

People have told me not to get wrapped up in being in a relationship with a guy just to validate that I'm a woman and yet I find myself doing just that because I'm afraid. Not afraid of guys but of women! When I hang out with other women, such as at Zumba class, I find myself not wanting to mention that I'm bi or lesbian for fear that they might think I'm only there to 'hit on' them or something.....or even worse, fear of them being the kind of Christians I grew up as and condemn me on the spot. I have grown up my whole life trying to have real friendships with women but failing miserably because they could only assume that my motivations were always going to be romantic because I was male.

On a side note, I think a part of me knows that if my parents do ever accept me as a woman that they would have yet another hurdle to get over if I was a lesbian too. But if I was with a man and they accept me as the woman that I am then they wouldn't have that extra hurdle to get over.

And so I've reached out to guys and of course the ones that have actually acted interested have been either unattractive, wrongly motivated, or out of state. I think part of the problem is that I've always found women attractive and that has definitely not changed. I can definitely see myself in a relationship with a woman or a would be more about the person than anything....but maybe the hard part for me is getting out there and meeting people.

One thing I realized recently is that I dont hang out with guys at all anymore. It kind of just hit me....all my friends that i see on an everyday basis are girls. That kind of makes it hard to meet guys unless I want to go out clubbing or bar hopping which I have no desire to do.

I'm beginning to get involved with other women's groups so I'm hoping to make more friends and maybe more can become of that but I think I still have a lot of fears that I need to work through when it comes to my sexuality.


VĂ©ronique said...

I'm still catching up on blog entries and your videos, but I wanted to say hi from a "neighbour" north of the border.

It's still early days with regard to sexual orientation. Not that long ago, I was sure my sexual orientation would remain the same, i.e., primarily (and strongly) to women, somewhat to men. That's what the APA claims happens in 80 percent of cases. Well, I'm not sure about whatever that figure is based on. As transition progressed, I started seeing women as friends only and men in a whole new way. I still find my female partner sexually attractive, but other women not so much. And men, oh dear... (wish I were your age and not twice as old).

I wasn't expecting that to happen. So give it time and your brain and body will tell you where your affections lie. And forget about labels. :)

Treacle said...

It sounds like there's still bunches and bunches to sort out, and there's no reason to rush into any one orientation right now.

It's kind of unrelated, but you're looking really good, chica. ;-)

Debra said...

@Treacle - Thanks girl!!!

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