Tuesday, May 25, 2010

How friendships change

I've made an observation recently about my general everyday circles of friends. Before I transitioned, I primarily spent time with guys (excluding my wife of course) and yet nowadays I find myself exclusively hanging out with girl friends. It's not something I intentionally did at all but somehow it automatically happened.

Don't get me wrong, I have many supportive guy friends (and of course lots that aren't) and they'll come help me move when I need it or come over for a LAN party when I plan one but it's no longer an everyday thing to call me up and say "Hey how's it going? Want to hang out?". And in some cases, when I've made the effort, they tend to be too busy.

I guess I understand, in a way. As much as I say I'm the same person, in a lot of ways, I'm not. Whether they no longer want to hang out with me because I'm trans or because I'm just a girl, I don't know....but I'd imagine it's a mix of the two.

I suppose it doesn't have to be like that but then again, when I was married, I didn't hang out with other women without my wife because it didn't reflect well on me, no matter what my intentions were. Now that I have a boyfriend, I guess it can go the other way too, whether they've been friends for a long time or are brand new, hanging out with another guy alone might be at least semi-frowned upon, if not by my boyfriend, then by others.

Am I sad about this change? Of course. But like the loss of my parents, I guess I have to accept it as a loss among the slew of gains.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

One last name change

I no longer write a lot about my experiences interacting with people in everyday life as a woman because it's just become such an everyday occurrence, I'm not only used to it, I often don't even think about it anymore.

But I thought I'd share today about my experience at the Department of Motor Vehicles. I had already been to the DMV a month or two ago to change my name on my title and registration for my car but since my name was on my ex-wife's car loan too, I had to get that changed.

I had previously sent hers in to the lender and for a nominal fee, they would work with the DMV to get it changed. Well yesterday, I received a letter from the DOL/DMV saying that the check I had given the lender that they had given to the DOL, bounced. The check was made out for February 20th, 2010 and I closed that joint checking account on April 1, 2010. So apparently it took them too long to get around to cashing it. Anyway, the point is, I had to go back to the DMV to finish getting my name changed on my ex-wife's car's registration. The DOL returned all the paperwork so all I should have to do is go in and pay and they'd get it taken care of.

Well I went in there and handed the paperwork over to the lady and told her I needed to get it taken care of. She read over it a bit and asks "So you're taking J***** off and putting Debra on?" I responded with "Yes, that's pretty much right". She flips through the paperwork trying to figure it out and starts typing on the computer. Then she asks for the mileage on the car and I explain that it's my ex's car so it's not currently in the parking lot and she says well because we're removing him from the registration/title, I need the exact current mileage.

I then explain that it's not really removing so much as a name change. (my name change court order was included in the documents). She is completely confused still and her 2 coworkers explain to her that it's a name change, not a removal and add. She doesn't seem to get it but one of the gals turns to me and asks how I am doing and I tell her, great thanks. She might have remembered me from before.

Well the lady finishes the paperwork and I pay and get everything wrapped up and the lady who's helping me still looks like she is confused and annoyed but her coworker turns to me as I turn to leave, smiles and winks at me and says "have a great day".

I just thought that was amusing, and heartwarming. Amusing that the one lady didn't understand that I used to be J***** and heartwarming that even though the other lady understood, she responded in such a warm and friendly way.

Wishing for broken mutexes

Last night was one of those nights I cried myself to sleep. It seems to happen every so often when I'm especially missing my family. Seeing pictures of them all on facebook, happy as ever with each other, while here I sit with a virtual restraining order.

I see my sister, my ex, my cousins, able to live their lives and be accepted by family because they were born correctly as genetic women. It's just so frustrating and hurtful.

I kept asking myself last night, why does being me and being with my family, have to be mutually exclusive? If I hadn't transitioned, I could still hang out with my family and be loved and accepted by them...but I'd be miserable. Yet here I am, more happy than I've ever been in my life, but hated and shunned by most of my family.

Will those 2 areas of mutual exclusivity ever find a union?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Surreality

Now that thoughts of surgery have calmed down a bit, I have been finding myself in these split second moments where everything feels like a dream.

Zumba, for example. Here I am surrounded by all of these women, accepted by them, as a woman myself..and it feels great...but to part of me it all just seems so surreal. It's hard to believe that mere months ago, I was living as a male and very successfully, I might add. At least successful on the outside.

It's kind of like a dream and I'm wondering if I'm going to wake up. But if it was a dream and I woke up, would I be relieved or would it be one of those dreams you dive back into the covers and try desperately to find again?

When I find myself pondering like this, I recognize right away that I never want to go back to living as a male. It was severely wrong for me and I did it to please everybody else. I've thoroughly tried to explore that thought just to make sure, over and over, and I always end up with the same conclusion.

At the same time, the thought of waking up and having my ex-wife there by my side still is an appealing part. As is spending Saturdays with my parents, my mom making me a breakfast burrito with no eggs because I don't like eggs or omelets and my dad and I going for a walk and talking over coffee. And my playful 2 year old niece continuing to be as cute as a button in whatever she does.

Those were all good times I may never see again.

But I think what I've sacrificed really shows how much I really needed to do this. I knew ahead of time what I could lose and I went ahead with my transition anyway, an endless black pit of despair, the only other option. I don't regret it.

If I could do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing, nor would I choose not to do it. But I would still hope, as I'm hoping now, that at least my parents would react differently or come to accept me for who I know I am.....their daughter.

Maybe that hope is the real dream =/

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