Thursday, May 6, 2010

Surreality

Now that thoughts of surgery have calmed down a bit, I have been finding myself in these split second moments where everything feels like a dream.

Zumba, for example. Here I am surrounded by all of these women, accepted by them, as a woman myself..and it feels great...but to part of me it all just seems so surreal. It's hard to believe that mere months ago, I was living as a male and very successfully, I might add. At least successful on the outside.

It's kind of like a dream and I'm wondering if I'm going to wake up. But if it was a dream and I woke up, would I be relieved or would it be one of those dreams you dive back into the covers and try desperately to find again?

When I find myself pondering like this, I recognize right away that I never want to go back to living as a male. It was severely wrong for me and I did it to please everybody else. I've thoroughly tried to explore that thought just to make sure, over and over, and I always end up with the same conclusion.

At the same time, the thought of waking up and having my ex-wife there by my side still is an appealing part. As is spending Saturdays with my parents, my mom making me a breakfast burrito with no eggs because I don't like eggs or omelets and my dad and I going for a walk and talking over coffee. And my playful 2 year old niece continuing to be as cute as a button in whatever she does.

Those were all good times I may never see again.

But I think what I've sacrificed really shows how much I really needed to do this. I knew ahead of time what I could lose and I went ahead with my transition anyway, an endless black pit of despair, the only other option. I don't regret it.

If I could do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing, nor would I choose not to do it. But I would still hope, as I'm hoping now, that at least my parents would react differently or come to accept me for who I know I am.....their daughter.

Maybe that hope is the real dream =/

4 comments:

Stace said...

Odd that you say mere months ago, when seconds before I had read your ticker with the thought of 'Wow, has it really been three months!' Time flies!

Here's to the future!
Stace

VĂ©ronique said...

You go along for your whole life thinking your dream is out of reach. Then, fairly quickly, you realize just how serious your problem is, and also realize that you can have what you thought was out of reach. And you make changes rather quickly.

I recognize this story. :)

This is all still fairly new for you, so I'm not surprised it sometimes feels like a dream. And yet it's your reality! How cool is that?

It was quick for your parents too. Give them time.

Shannon said...

I have watched you grow up in the months [has it only been a little over 6 months?] since we've met. I have never been able to imagine you as a "man." The way your life fits you now is like someone tailored your clothes perfectly for you. Except it's not the clothes that fit you so well, it is your life.

Alissia Megan Rose-Pait said...

It's been a year for me in which so much has changed. I came out to wife and family in March, moved out May 1st, started HRT mid May, Found Angelina October, she moved in 2 weeks ago. I would never want to go back. I also would not wish this life on anyone. It is only for those who can not find another viable option. *hugs*

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