Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Wishing for broken mutexes

Last night was one of those nights I cried myself to sleep. It seems to happen every so often when I'm especially missing my family. Seeing pictures of them all on facebook, happy as ever with each other, while here I sit with a virtual restraining order.

I see my sister, my ex, my cousins, able to live their lives and be accepted by family because they were born correctly as genetic women. It's just so frustrating and hurtful.

I kept asking myself last night, why does being me and being with my family, have to be mutually exclusive? If I hadn't transitioned, I could still hang out with my family and be loved and accepted by them...but I'd be miserable. Yet here I am, more happy than I've ever been in my life, but hated and shunned by most of my family.

Will those 2 areas of mutual exclusivity ever find a union?

4 comments:

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry your family is not more accepting of you. I can only imagine how painful that is for you. It's not fair that they put you in the position of having to choose between them and being yourself. Hopefully some day they'll learn to accept you for who you are and you will be welcomed back to your family. Hang in there.

VĂ©ronique said...

No guarantees, of course, but things could very well change over time. It really isn't that long since you came out to them, and I bet they never saw it coming -- or didn't want to. Don't give up hope! But sometimes crying ourselves to sleep is just what we have to do.

*Hugs*

Debra said...

Thanks girls. Yep crying does help and it just happens sometimes. My way of dealing with it for now I guess. I do hope someday they'll come around but I just dont know and can't depend on that.

Rick Muth said...

I think, that given enough time they will come around. They will probably never understand, the why of it, that you needed to "transform" (See poem), but I feel that they will realize that you are still family. In their own way, they are grieving the loss, of their brother, son, spouse, ect ect...However, I feel that after a while, they will welcome you back, and accept you for you you really are. Maybe I am being optimisic, but I feel in my heart, that this will happen. If they ever loved you at all, they will welcome you back.

Your Friend,

Rick

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