Saturday, July 31, 2010

Not mine to steal

Dont call me "pretty girl"
it makes my heart soar
because I know that you mean it.

Dont look into my eyes
they lead right to my soul
the very depths of my heart.

Dont hold my hand
a touch of sincerity
comforts me to no end.

Dont hold me close
or I promise you this
I'll never want you to let go.

Dont steal my heart
because it's just not fair
when yours is not mine to steal.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Step 1, we meet
exchange pleasantries
feelings crash into each other
from both sides.

Step 2, time happens
brakes are screeching
while heart accelerates
internal conflict.

Step 3, you see;
I tried so hard to hide
but the fire burns within
behind locked glass doors.

Step 4, it dies,
the light in your eyes
you let go of my hand
as I fall into oblivion.

Step 5, I cry
my fears came to fruition
the sound of something shattering
can only be my heart.

Who really broke my heart?
Did you? Or was it my own
self fulfilling prophecy.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Onslaught

This poem I guess describes not only holding emotions in because the timing is not right but even taking it one more step further....holding in the POTENTIAL for emotions to blossom until a time when they can flourish. NOTE: It was also written after having 2 days of sleep deprivation so I can partially blame that too.

Onslaught
Emotions rushing through my veins,
clogged by sheer force of will
holding them back with all my might
I close my eyes.

People keep warning me
not to play with fire
but here i go again
my stomach throbs
butterflies held inside
too numerous.

I've been here before
I let them out too soon, too fast
she disappeared in a flash
and I was left to drown.

I wont let it happen again
not even if I'm eaten alive
from inside out
by angry affections
breaking out of their cages.

Tears stream down my face
the stress on my body is too much
yet letting go means simply:
more pain.

I clench my fists, my eyes widen
as the tide overwhelms me
exhaustion sets in
but then peaceful sleep.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Speed of Flight

Finding our way
back and forth
Nervous and fumbling
starting so awkward
I feel uncomfortable.

Fading into dinner
conversation continues
composing, still clumsy
but mutual minds
still think alike.

A new scene appears
familiar setting
indistinct emotions
like currents, surging
through open soul-windows.

Flying above the clouds
heart is so enamored
but wariness behind
silently cautions
speed of flight.

Monday, July 26, 2010

For Nikki Araguz

I just wanted to get a message out to Nikki Araguz that I'm so sorry for all of the angst and horrifying oppression she has to go through right now, just to be who she is, just to be true to herself. Girl, keep your chin up and know that there are many who support you despite the evil people who continue to try to make your life miserable.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. Nikki Aragauz is a transgender woman who was married to a firefighter in Texas that died and now his ex-wife and mother are suing Nikki for his death benefits, claiming she's a "MAN". There are many stories out there in the news being run about this right now. Here's one such story: http://www.khou.com/news/local/Transgender-widow-of-Texas-firefighter-in-court-99122484.html

It's so frustrating for me to watch. She is of course legally female and was legally married to her husband but they are saying the marriage was no good because she was born with male body parts. And yet it WAS a legal marriage. So frustrating.

Nikki: *hugs*

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Equilibrium

Today is 7 months and 3 weeks since I started hormones and YET it is also 7 months and 3 weeks until my surgery! I just noticed that!!! Kind of cool. It's like an equilibrium of sorts.



Some would say starting hormones was the beginning of my biological changes and some would say that the surgery I will be having in March is the end. That's not necessarily true but with that in mind....today I am right in the middle of the two. I can look back at 7 months and 3 weeks of living life like I never knew possible (both bad and good) and yet I can look forward 7 months and 3 weeks from now, to the new experiences surgery will bring (both bad and good).

And yet there's another equilibrium I was contemplating tonight. Growing up, I lived the only life I knew (or at least the only life I'd let myself know) and that was pleasing mom and dad however I could. Until last year, I never realized that that's what I was doing because my subconsciousness had been protecting me all those years. Once I had broken through and began to understand who I really am though, I could no longer continue living as this fake person I had let my subconsciousness create. In that situation, my parents and everyone else was happy and I was miserable....so miserable I chose to attempt to take my own life.

Now here I am, almost a year later, in almost the complete opposite situation. I am finally living life authentically and happy and my parents are completely miserable. They chose to reject me and disown me and so amongst all the unbelievably great feelings I never knew could be possible when it came to living life....there is still much pain because of my parents.

It's really a huge catch 22. If I want to be happy I live my life this way, as a woman and they are unhappy....if I want THEM to be happy, I go back to being a boy, and most definitely kill myself. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

It's a huge equilibrium/conundrum...and the only solutions are time and hope. Time for wounds to heal and Hope for change in the future. In the meantime, I'm caught in the middle.

Monday, July 19, 2010

When you look at me

This is a poem I wrote for my ex-boyfriend in private about 3 weeks into our relationship. I figured now that we're broken up I can publicize it.


Well here we are
where I was afraid to go
an unequal yoking.
For a while, I held back feelings
and just acted, had fun
with you
knowing at some point
it would be safe
to let them flow.

Well it wasn't long
I started to realize
how special you were to me.
The dam holding back my emotions
began to creak
and as I put onto paper
the reasons for my devotion,
it burst at the seams.
Tears, drops of pure emotion
poured out of me
only to be met with
mediocre satisfaction,
immovably obstructed
by emotionless empty eyes.

What now?
I know I need patience
but how can I do the things
we used to do
with pure pleasure
when they mean so much more to me now?
And yet you don't feel it,
the fire in your veins
spring in your step
or love in your heart
when you look at me.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Everett Washington Gender Alliance Support Meeting Lives on!!! YAY! =)

I received this in my email tonight:


The Everett Meeting Lives On !

(Mount Vernon, WA. July 15, 2010) Washington Gender Alliance today announces the continuation of the weekly Everett Open Support meeting for the foreseeable future. This announcement supersedes an earlier press release. The Alliance is able to continue this service because of the pledges of ongoing support from donors.

The Everett meeting has continued uninterrupted since 2002, including during this summer, and will continue to do so beyond August. It is held each Wednesday 7:30 - 9 PM at the First Congregational United Church of Christ 2624 Rockefeller Avenue (at Everett Avenue) in the basement.

Please redistribute this announcement far and wide so that anyone who might have heard that the meeting wasn't going to continue gets the most current and accurate information. For more information about this or the Alliance (www.WashingtonGenderAlliance.com), please write to info@washingtongenderalliance.com or call 360-445-2411. You can also follow us on Twitter @GenderAlliance.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Correcting Transphobic Hate Blogs

EDIT: Ive been told that the poster of the blog post linked below might practice stalking to anybody who visits her site so click at your own risk.

I recently happened upon a lesbian butch woman's blog and I was once again taken aback that people from within the LGBTQ community can be so ignorant and bigoted and transphobic. I posted a comment trying to educate the blogger but I somehow doubt the comment will be approved.

The blog post was here: http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2010/03/femme-imposters-in-femmebutch-community.html

My comment was the following:

I have to say, I'm always taken aback when someone from within the community openly states ignorance and bigotry to others within the same community.

Mtf-man is NOT the right term in any shape or form. Quite an oxymoron. I'm not understanding what you mean by homophobic straight mtf-man. This is full of double negatives. If an mtf woman is homophobic and straight then wouldn't she not be dating girls?

Also, most lesbian trans women I know are not really interested in butch women but rather fems.

So you're saying that trans women are using their male privilege to become women and hang out with women? I'm not sure I understand. by transitioning to womanhood, we are actually willingly letting go of this "mantle" of male privilege.

True that estrogen hormones are known to sometimes change sexual attraction but again, I have yet to see this attract them to butch women. Usually either they do not experience a change and are still attracted to feminine women or they experience attraction towards men and begin dating men. I have known trans women on both sides but I have yet to meet a trans women who will only date butches because they are too afraid to date men even though they're attracted to them.

I hope that I have been able to educate you some with this comment but I fear that your obvious transphobia will blind you from any real truth in it. I hope this is not the case.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

First Blogiversary

Well today is my first blogiversary. Exactly one year ago, I began writing real blog posts on my blog. Prior to that, I had only written a couple poems on the blog and kept all of my writings to private forums.

That first post was an introduction of myself to the world. At the time, Debra wasn't even thought of. In fact, I was going by the handle "Savanna". All I knew was that I was struggling with my gender identity after so many years of burying it subconsciously. The Christian counselor I was seeing about it at the time kept telling me that I felt this way because of something my mom did or didn't do when I was a baby.

Ironically, the second half of the post describes why I didn't want to transition, lol. Upon writing this post, I was finally starting to see that this had to be something chemical....and I was looking for what that might be.


Overall, you can tell that I was definitely wrestling with what I should do and what is right. I was looking for answers while my family and church friends kept telling me NOT to look.

Reflecting over this post, I'm able to see how far I've come in 1 year. I'm now able to live my life as it was truly meant to be and it is so freeing! I really never knew life could be this good....even with my parents disowning me and my ex divorcing me....I really never knew that life could be this good!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Bra Confidence

Last night at group we ended up talking a little about "doing instead of being". The concept being that when we first start transition, we concentrate A LOT on BEING ourselves and BEING a woman. We think about how we walk, how we talk, how we look, how we sound, all kinds of crazy things going on in our head at any one moment. One of the ladies at group mentioned how she was at a place in her transition where she was concentrating more on DOING than BEING. She was able to DO or LIVE her life and the BEING part was much more natural now.

I spoke up and said that I felt I had come a long way with this in the last 9 months or so of transition but that I definitely still had a ways to go before I didn't have to be thinking about BEING me and what that meant at certain times.

The example I gave was that I rely heavily on my bra for confidence. Since my breasts are still very small, the bra I wear can severely help or hinder my confidence. Just the other day, I was walking to the gym and I had a sports bra on underneath my t-shirt. I took note as I was walking that I was much more worried about how I was walking and how I looked because of my lack of breasts. I was questioning how I stepped, my posture, even my voice at times. Everything. I was even thinking to myself 'gosh when is this going to be just natural'. At the time I also consoled myself reminding that it had only been about 9 months and I had 28 years of life as a boy in my past. It might still take a while before everything came completely natural.

As I was talking about this at group though, I realized that all of this didn't usually happen in my everyday life. What was the difference? The bra I wore. lol. It sounds stupid, I know but it's so true. I worry a lot less about these things, walking, talking, etc. when I have the confidence of my bra.

Hopefully with time, not only will my body catch up and my confidence will be less dependent on my bra but BEING me will also become more natural.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

4th of July

I talked about this some on twitter but thought I would expand upon it here. Last year, around the 4th of July, I was in full blown suppression mode. Essentially girl-stuck-in-guy-mode-forever and it was so completely depressing and painful. When it came to the 4th, me and my now ex-wife, attended a party/BBQ put on my the bible study group we attended weekly. I vividly remember it being a hot, sunny day and some of the women there wore pretty sun dresses and heels and every moment seeing them was a moment of utter agony for me. And yet I had to hide behind a plastic smile.

Now 1 year later, you'd find me in proper attire: red sundress, white shrug, blue earrings and nails. We hung out at my boyfriend's dad's house for a mix of the 4th of July and my boyfriend's birthday which is on the 5th but we celebrated it on the 4th. We had a BBQ and I helped Hank's sister prepare a few things. We ate, chatted, watched a couple movies while we waited for it to get dark, sang happy birthday to Hank (which I did in my best soprano lol), watched him open presents, and then filed outside to get ready for fireworks.

We all grabbed a lawn chair and headed out to the street. I brought white leggings and a blue hoodie because I figured it would be cold by then but even with those on, once I got outside, I began shivering. Then Hank's sister came out with 2 blankets she said were "for the ladies" (me and her) and that was much better. I was able to just sit there and enjoy watching Hank, his Dad, his sister's boyfriend, and a friend of the family set off the fireworks they had purchased. His sister and I laughed about "boys and their toys" as we watched and the boys eventually let her and I shoot off a roman candle each too, which was fun.

It just felt so right being treated like a lady, it's really hard to describe. There was just a feeling of it feeling 'right' the whole night. The littlest things sometimes matter most.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

7 months

7 months ago today, I took my first steps, I started a new life.
7 months ago today, I began a biological journey that many take for granted and others never embark on.
7 months ago today, I took a risk. The risk of breast cancer, of blood clotting, of heart disease and stroke, and many more risks.
7 months ago today, my parents had already disowned me and my ex and I were separated and on a clear path for divorce.
7 months ago today, I began Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and I'm happier than I've ever been.

7 months ago today, I made this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fABIOmJusQA




I've changed a little since then, don't you think? =)

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