Thursday, July 22, 2010

Equilibrium

Today is 7 months and 3 weeks since I started hormones and YET it is also 7 months and 3 weeks until my surgery! I just noticed that!!! Kind of cool. It's like an equilibrium of sorts.



Some would say starting hormones was the beginning of my biological changes and some would say that the surgery I will be having in March is the end. That's not necessarily true but with that in mind....today I am right in the middle of the two. I can look back at 7 months and 3 weeks of living life like I never knew possible (both bad and good) and yet I can look forward 7 months and 3 weeks from now, to the new experiences surgery will bring (both bad and good).

And yet there's another equilibrium I was contemplating tonight. Growing up, I lived the only life I knew (or at least the only life I'd let myself know) and that was pleasing mom and dad however I could. Until last year, I never realized that that's what I was doing because my subconsciousness had been protecting me all those years. Once I had broken through and began to understand who I really am though, I could no longer continue living as this fake person I had let my subconsciousness create. In that situation, my parents and everyone else was happy and I was miserable....so miserable I chose to attempt to take my own life.

Now here I am, almost a year later, in almost the complete opposite situation. I am finally living life authentically and happy and my parents are completely miserable. They chose to reject me and disown me and so amongst all the unbelievably great feelings I never knew could be possible when it came to living life....there is still much pain because of my parents.

It's really a huge catch 22. If I want to be happy I live my life this way, as a woman and they are unhappy....if I want THEM to be happy, I go back to being a boy, and most definitely kill myself. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

It's a huge equilibrium/conundrum...and the only solutions are time and hope. Time for wounds to heal and Hope for change in the future. In the meantime, I'm caught in the middle.

6 comments:

Dana Andra said...

Honey, there's no going back and you know it. I was talking recently with my girlfriend about how my father would react if he knew what I'm, and about how he's really the only reason why I haven't legally changed my name and come out at work. He simply wouldn't accept it and I don't want to be written out of the will. It's really about staying in the will. I'm older than you, and I'm going to need that money, and what I asked my girlfriend was, "What if he cuts me out for some other reason, and I'll have wasted yet more time not being 100% me?"

What kind of love is it that asks us to be something we are not? That doesn't embrace whoever we truly are, however different from them that might be?

There's no way any of us can go back to a place that never was, to live as a person who never existed.

My son asked me to stop what I'm doing. He said I'd be killing me and him and the family if I didn't. It tore me apart to hear him say this, but there is no stopping. And I feel that he will ultimately accept me and what I'm doing.

It's tragic that our parents, those who should love us no matter what, are the first to turn their backs. I'm always so touched by stories of trans men and women whose parents love them regardless. Not all of us have that, unfortunately. You are such a genuinely sweet person, and you've done nothing to cause your parents misery. They've allowed their hearts to be as closed as their minds. Hopefully time will heal these wounds and your parents will open their arms again. In the meantime, we have those who DO embrace us, and it's their love & support that makes all the difference.

Big hugs, Debra...
Dana
xx

Caroline said...

My parents are long gone so I will never know exactly how they would have reacted, I think possibly a 50 / 50 split but...

They never knew what they would bring into this world but as parents they should have been prepared to accept what fate had in store for them. You have done more than enough sacrificing your life so far to please them,, if they cannot see that I am sorry for them but that is really unreasonable.

You have more than proved that you have taken the correct path, so sad that they do not have the heart to support you.

Caroline xxx

VĂ©ronique said...

I'm sorry to hear that things are still so bad with your parents. My mother will not see me or speak with me, and she makes it clear, whenever she mails a note, that she still thinks of me as her son. It's very painful, and we're not even particularly close. I know you have been much closer with your folks, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you.

Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, but there seem to a few things that push them beyond that capacity. Transition is one, though not for all parents. I hope that time does bring healing and reconciliation. I can't imagine you being anyone other than you are now -- except the person you're still becoming!

xoxo

Dana Andra said...

As I wrote in a blog posting back in January, if the parents of Scott Peterson (on death row for murdering his pregnant wife on Xmas eve) stand by him, it's pretty tragic when parents of transgendered chidren can't be as supportive. I wonder if Peterson's parents would be standing by him if he were a transsexual instead of a murderer.

Dana

Lucy Melford said...

You can only hope for a slow realisation on your parents' side that they might lose their child (you) if they don't relent. It's bound to be very, very hard for them to see you as you really are - a daughter, not a son. I never succeeded in persuading my parents that I was really the daughter they never had.

Also overcoming their prejudices is hard. We all have them. We all had to learn them, so they can be unlearned. But unlearning might put your parents at odds with other big things in their life, presenting them with some very difficult and complicated situations. For instance, my parents baulked at telling their friends. Maybe yours do as well.

All you can really do is be strong and if necessary face up to everything alone. Just as you seem to be doing!

Lucy

Debra said...

Thank you everyone for all your heartfelt comments, girls.

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