Monday, August 30, 2010

Clothing Changes

Over the past couple weeks, I've noticed some changes in myself. Changes relating to how I dress. Mind you, I have been way past the stage of wearing dresses and skirts all of the time for a while now, in fact I've been wearing jeans or shorts or capris at least 2 times a week. But recently, that 2 times a week has become how often I wear a dress or skirt instead.

I think it really started with shoes. I saw the most adorable clogs on Payless' website so I ran out and bought them and have been wearing jeans pretty often since. It's kind of a double whammy, really. Clogs instead of heels, pants instead of skirts. I stopped wearing heels as much when the summer weather allowed for more shorts and capris and I started to feel like heels, even strappy sandals, were a little overdressed for capris or shorts. So I turned to flipflops, mind you, high wedged flipflops, but nevertheless flipflops.

It's interesting to me because when I first came out, dresses, skirts, and heels were such a huge part of everything because they helped me feel more feminine and yet now, I am comfortable enough with myself and feel feminine enough without them. I guess I feel like I can still be a woman without all the extra feminine clothing.

The other day, I was wearing jeans and a top and I went to get the mail and as I was walking back to my apartment, I saw a random guy walking to the mailbox from the other building and thought to myself, From far away, does he see that I'm a woman even though I have jeans on?" and I wondered without any real answer. Somehow this led to the fact that my curves aren't exactly as curvy as I'd like them to be and how much more accentuated they can be with skirts or dresses or how much more sexier I felt in those instances.

So I guess on one hand, it's good that I'm feeling comfortable and feminine enough to wear clothes and shoes that don't necessarily accentuate my body as much as other articles of clothing could. But I still feel at times, so very lacking physically. I can only hope that as my body becomes more and more like it should be, that dysphoric feeling will become less and less.

9 comments:

Jamie said...

I’ve heard story after story about coming out and what a big part the wearing of skirts, heels, dresses etc. played toward feeling feminine. For me however, I never felt much like that. Not to say I didn’t enjoy wearing that stuff but I just loved my girl jeans (short or long) a girl T’s and girly sneaks.. still do. I really feel very feminine in them. Grab my scrunchie, pull my hair back and I’m ready to go! But your absolutely right, its nice to go all out in a truly feminione fashion occasionally.

Kristina Nicole said...

Although I am not as far along on my path as you are, I can certainly relate to what you are saying. I too am well past the need to wear skirts and heels to feel feminine. In fact, I feel just as feminine when I am in jeans and ballet flats as I do when I am in a pretty dress and heels. To me, how we feel is about who we are and how we have accepted ourselves; not how we are dressed.

Rick Muth said...

My comment is geared toward the 2nd to the last paragraph. Now granted, all I have seen of you is from pictures and videos, however, from what I have seen, you are all woman.

As for the last paragraph. You are constantly changing, both on the inside as well as the outside. I am sure those negative feelings will go away with time.

Véronique said...

That seems a pretty normal progression to me. As you feel more confident in yourself and your own femininity, you rely less on clothing. But then of course it's still fun to dress up. I wish I had more opportunity! I have more clothes than occasions. :)

As for curves, people are probably seeing you as female anyway. My curves are, well, lacking. Yet I'm always perceived as female, whatever I'm wearing, although I admit I don't know how well it works from a distance. It's not just about your body, but your face, your voice, your movement, the way you carry yourself, and I can't imagine you have any problem there.

Véro said...

I think as of today you are seen as a woman, maybe with not a lot of curves, but a woman nonetheless. Try taking some pictures of you in regular outfit, from behind and a distance. I'm pretty sure you'll (and anyone as well) see a girl.

Grace said...

"Feel like a woman, wear a dress" - Diane von Furstenburg

I have to say that I cringe when I hear a woman with a transsexual history say that she has moved beyond wearing dresses and skirts. It's not the the clothes that one "moves beyond" but rather where the source of your feeling feminine comes from. In an interview von Furstenburg also said that you do not make a statement on the outside independent from the inside. As it has been remarked on here, once we realize that we are a woman on the inside then we can feel free to wear whatever we like without having to rely on the clothes, shoes and makeup.

I fear that too many trans women reject dresses and skirts simply because it reminds them of how and where they started. Or they get the mistaken idea that "real women" don't dress that way. But it may turn out after all that they are your style and make an appropriate statement of who you are. I have a very close friend who has known me for over a year now. I was out with her recently wearing a pair of skinny jeans and she commented that she could count on one hand the number of times she had seen me in pants. Now I have certainly worn pants quite a few more times than that, I don't really have anything against jeans, but it is true that more often than not I can be found wearing a longish hippy/bohemian/peasant style skirt. And that is an expression of who I am that comes from the inside out, not from the outside in.

Kev said...

You've got a good point there. Clothes seem to be so important for trans people, at least in the beginning. When I read your post I realized how mich I define myself through clothes, because it is the only way I have to express my male self. It is certainly a good sign that one moves away from that, after a while.
*hugs*

Marie said...

Debra,
Now I get it. That WAS you I saw on the 5 hour energy drink commercial the other day! :)

Marie

Teagan said...

I think it's great that you're feeling more comfortable with yourself, and you don't feel that you need to rely on clothes to be perceived as female. (And you don't. :) ) Eventually, you won't worry or wonder if that guy from the other building perceives you as female, and *that's* a great place to be. You'll get there! :)

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