Thursday, September 2, 2010

A life worth living

One year ago today, I was not myself....in more than one way. I had been dealing with a deep depression because I had chosen not to transition even though I knew the truth of who I was inside. As I started to see a flicker of hope that transition maybe was possible and that it wouldn't be this horrible, ugly thing, despite the sacrifices, the men in my bible study took it upon themselves to call me out and tell me every reason why becoming my true self was wrong.

They threw bible verses at me, in raised voices and told me I would destroy my wife. They said the church would excommunicate me, they said I would be no longer welcome there, and they also said I would lose my salvation....that God would take away his love.

In my head, all I heard was "God would rather have me dead as a man than alive as a woman" and I knew I could not go on living as a man, it was too painful now that I knew the truth of who I really was.

The result of course was a suicide attempt, which failed, thanks to my ex-wife. I don't blame those men in the bible study for my suicide...it was still my conscious choice, even if very misled. I do often wonder if my parents actually wish I had succeeded because they no longer acknowledge me as their child and never want to see me again. And how is that much different from me being dead?

But this suicide attempt was a huge turning point for me, one that I would never look back upon. I would venture out a new person, one ready for living a new life, with all of it's challenges, sacrifices, and yet also it's joys and rewards.

So today, I'm not celebrating an anniversary of a suicide attempt but instead, one more year of life I never expected to live and not just that, but the first real year of life where I've been able to live as my true self, instead of some subconscious facade.

Everyday brings new challenges and hurts and reminders of sacrifices but among those are also feelings of peace and joy like I've never experienced in my past 28 years. And that's a life worth living.

11 comments:

Trinity Annabelle said...

I'm glad you're still around. The world would have lost a beautiful heart if you had succeeded. Your warmth and joy in simply being is a continual inspiration.

Rebecca said...

I'm also happy that you're still with us, because you're a special person and you have so much to give. The world is definitely a better place with you here! Today is an anniversary of rebirth and joy, and I'm so very happy for you Debra.

Caroline said...

Thank goodness christians are about love and forgiveness, think what they would be like if they did not like you!

So much of what you wrote rings true for me too, alive at last. What others think is their problem, let them waste their lives in bitterness.

We lost too much time already to waste any more looking back.

Caroline xxx

Stace said...

OK I'm agonistic, rather than a believer - but I struggle to accept that there is a god that would prefer you dead to alive...

As the others have said so happy you are still with us. Long may that continue.

Here's to many more years!
Stace

Petra Bellejambes said...

So much to take solace in and joy from. And may I say that you are fortunate to have found the bottom so early in your life. You have that much more to look forward to. So often the strong husks that people build around themselves last years, decades longer than yours did.

Realizations that come late can be acted on too, but the dividend period is shorter.

Long happy years to you, and many happy anniversaries my dear.

Petra

Jenn said...

I'm sure the world is a much brighter, happier place with you in it, so thanks for sticking around. Sometimes we have to hit the lowest low in order to realize that the only real choice is to live our true lives. Good on ya sista!

Jenn

Shannon said...

My heart aches to think of you have been through, Baby Girl. The time Before was the time before birthing. God kept you warm and safe and grew you to be the woman-child of His, that He desired to be. The time of your great pain, dear-heart, was your childbirth. Painful and enlightening were your first breaths. But Poppa brought forth a new Girl-child for His Glory! You are His child! He has called you by name and you belong to Him! (Isaiah 43:1) And you bring to Him great Joy!

Rick Muth said...

God did not want you to take your life, He wanted you around,so that could become the person you are now. If those you stand against you, would read their Bibles, they would realize that they have been wrong. Jesus said: "judge not kest ye be judged" That is actually what they are doing to you. When the jews were going to stone the Harlot, Jesus rebuked them and said: "Let he who is without SIN cast the first stone" of course they were not able to. You have become a very beautiful woman, who I am honored and proud to call friend.

Love and Friendship always,

Rick

TiresiasRedux said...

Debra,

It took me a year to write about my own attempt in Nov 2008. I wrote about it here...

http://tiresiasredux.blogspot.com/2009/11/lifeday.html

Hugs to you sis. Happy LifeDay (the post will explain)

Ask Becky about me. :)

Sharon

Debra said...

Thank you everyone for your warm wishes. I'm glad to have friends like all of you!

VĂ©ronique said...

Just back from holidays, so I am late in saying that I too am glad that you are celebrating another year of life, and many more to come!

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