Saturday, September 18, 2010

Ex Dreams

Over the past few days, I've had some interesting dreams about my ex-wife.

One of the dreams began with my ex-wife and I still being together but I had transitioned. She seemed ok with things and we were enjoying being around each other but I had a bad feeling about something so I asked her if she used my real name and female pronouns around her parents and my parents. She didn't answer, she just looked at me with a look on her face that told me that she didn't. I was very upset and told her we couldn't be together then.

It was weird being with her again in the dream but ironic I eventually found myself in the same place I did, in real life.....no longer a part of that union.


Then last night, I had another dream about my ex. This one was quite different. We were getting remarried to each other. It was like wedding prep all over again. It was so weird too because I don't remember wedding dresses or tuxes or anything. I don't remember if I was a man or a woman in this dream. I was less concerned about that.

I was actually very torn about remarrying her. Part of me still loves her deeply and loved the idea and yet part of me felt like I was trapping myself, putting myself behind a wall, a facade....of someone else. Like I would be drowning in somebody else's life, clawing to get out......again.

It's just so interesting to me that the dream was so genderless and more about who I was in general when I was with her.

With my transition, a lot of things have stayed the same and yet a lot of things have changed, even in my personality. I mean I went from introverted to extroverted. That alone is a HUGE change. And yet going back and trying to be who I used to be....even without thinking about the gender....ended up being too painful to bear, even in a dream.

4 comments:

The Philosophy of My Life said...

Ah dreams are interesting to me right now as well. In some dreams I'm transitioning, in some dreams I'm a woman- beautiful, witty and sharp. Other times I'm enjoying being a man- which is always a bit of a mimicry, but enjoyable at the same time. Male privelage is something that has been on my mind lately.

The strange thing is that when I came out to myself, the people in my dreams suddenly had eyes. Not the black holes that I had seen previously. It's hard to articulate this in writing, but the fact that people have eyes in my dreams now is remarkable to me.

Violet.X8 said...

Dreaming can be the catalyst for amazing life changing decisions. I went from dreams of helplessly drowning before coming out, to now recently swimming freely in them. After having my first dream as female (I was so terrified & confused after waking up ) my current path started to reveal itself within days:-)

Dana Andra said...

"Drowning in somebody else's life..." What a fabulous turn of phrase.

Early in my own blog, I asked about dreams, if others dreamed as their new and proper gender, or still as their birth gender. The response was inconclusive. I've yet to a have a dream in which I'm strictly a woman. But then again, as you say, I'm still me. I'm still the me I've always been. So the question is really whether or not I've had dreams in which I have a woman's body, and the answer is no, I haven't. But breasts notwithstanding, as long as I'm pre-op, I'm probably to going to have dreams in which I have a male body. :-(

Dana

Debra said...

Wow it's so interesting how dreams are sometimes and how they can change.

Dana - I have definitely dreamed still as a boy sometimes and most often as a girl now....but this last one was so genderless it was quite weird

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