Sunday, October 24, 2010

Out of my hands

Here's a video my brother made the other day, just him, my sister, and her daughter all gallivanting around, it's pretty entertaining in my family's sort of way.

I was struck by how much my niece has grown up in the last year that I have not been allowed near her. She's even talking intelligently and interacting responsively now. I laughed with my brother and sister as they laughed but I couldn't help but cry thinking I would've been there with them. Then I re-thought that in my head. I COULD have been with them, had they let me be.

My brother is supportive but my sister is far from it and refuses to even call me "Jer" let alone my real name.

I feel like I have missed so much being with my brother and sister and watching Crystal grow up. I shudder to think that all she knows of me is some weird "Uncle" they've ingrained into her...

But at the end of the day I have to remember that it's purely out of my hands. I can't take responsibility for how my sister and parents have chosen to respond to my transition. All I can do is be thankful my brother understands and try to continue to love them all in every way they will still let me, each day hoping they will someday at least TRY to understand.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhlaF0xjTQw

3 comments:

Dana Andra said...

Hi Debra,

I have two nieces in their early 20s who would probably react to my transitioning favorably, but I haven't told them, or my sister, primarily to prevent my father from finding out. I just stand too much to lose $$$-wise should he disinherit me, which he surely would, solely from the standpoint of "I'm not paying for no sex change operations." But that may all become a moot point, as I don't intend to wait until he's dead to officially change my name.

You're right, though. It's out of our hands how those around us react to our decisions to transition. And it's their loss. I have a strong feeling that once your niece sees you, and gets to know you -- perhaps she'll happen upon your videos at some point as she grows up -- she'll realize how robbed she's been of this fabulous aunt in her life. My nieces already know me quite well as their Uncle Mark and it might take some adjusting to get use to Aunt Dana, but your niece is still young enough to know you solely as Aunt Debra. There may be lost time now, but there will be plenty of time to catch up later.

Hugs,
Dana

SharonKJ said...

I have to agree with Dana. Eventually your niece will have a chance to get to know you on her own, though hopefully your sister will give herself the chance to know the real you.

Though I haven't begun physical transition yet, I do go out to support group as the real me and the kids are fine with it. Especially my 9-yo daughter. Once, in defending me from some less-than favorable comments by my wife, my daughter said to me "Dad, you make a perfect woman." I'm so blessed to have such a loving daughter!

Now my wife has moved out with the kids, and though she said she wants to remain friends, I wonder how that will go as I begin my transition. My worst fear is that she poisons them against me, and though I don't think it'll go that way, I figure even if it did, when they are grown they'll have the opportunity to know me on their own. Fortunately for now things are still friendly.

It's good that your brother hasn't abandoned you, and hopefully his love and caring for you will soften your sister to you... sinner than later!

Hugs!
Sharon

SharonKJ said...

Oops! Darn auto word chooser! That was supposed to be "sooner than later" :S

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