Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Small Hopes Dashed

It's weird how I can go days, weeks, or even months without worrying about the fact that my parents' don't accept me for who I am. But then some event will happen that will remind me and I'll find myself in endless tears. Why is that?

Earlier I noted a comparison between then and now. Then, I was trying to hide my trans issues so I didn't have to deal with them and now instead, I'm trying to hide my parental issues so I don't have to deal with them....the difference of course is that I finally steped up and dealt with my trans issues but parental issues are out of my hands. I deal with them best I can, in poetry and tears. That's all that is in my power to do.

Today I found out that I'm 46,XY. For those that don't understand what that means, 46,XY is the normal male chromosome karyotype. I admit to have sincerely been hoping that the test would come back with 47,XXY (an intersex karyotype) or something else but alas that did not happen. So yes, I do for sure have male chromosomes. I was fairly disappointed in the news. I don't know if it was the lack of estrogen in my system this morning or the fact that the wound my parents' and grandmother's birthday cards had left was still fresh. Either way, I found myself crying off and on today.

Now wait, before you comment, please understand: I know I'm a woman. Sure I have male chromosomes but so do many AIS women who have never lived a day in their lives as men. Am I upset because I needed something more to tell ME who I am? Plainly, no. I already know that for sure. I mean, put aside the fact that this last year was the best year of my life, that I finally like how I look in the mirror, that my body seems to soak up estrogen, that so many things have come naturally to me.....all of those are great but none of them matter compared to this: I know I'm a woman.

No, the reason I was upset about the chromosome test was because I was hoping that there would be some medical fact I could really show my parents to prove to them that I am a woman. To make them see. So maybe they would put aside their denial and love me again. But as many have already said, they probably would not have taken it into account anyway. They already deny that I ever acted feminine when I was a child even though I've reminded them of many such instances and they would rather listen to religious counsel that tells them to treat their own daughter like she's dead.

People say I should cut them out of my life well the truth is they've cut me out of theirs for some time now but I still send them birthday cards and cards on holidays and they still send me the ones with my old name and hurtful dysphoric pronouns and titles. They do it on purpose but I don't believe they do it to hurt me.

No I don't think I could ever cut them out of my life altogether. It might be easier and I might cry a lot less but I would rather cling to some shred of hope that they may love me again. Somehow. Someday.


Caroline said...

What can you say about a religion which preaches desertion of children? There are many to chose from, that one surely has to be wrong.

Long ago I too longed for a convenient genetic reason for my problem but never got up the nerve to find out then as time went on and more research was done I felt less of a freak of nature as more study showed both that genetics was more complicated than expected and only one of many factors involved in creating us.

The only real problems now are the ignorance of society generally and sadly sometimes that includes the very doctors we first have to see!

You transformation has been amazing and sadly it is their loss to not have you in their lives. Next year get someone to check your post for you and ignore any not addressed to the real you, deliberate misuse of your name is abusive and you should not have to be subjected to that.

Caroline xxx

Petra Bellejambes said...

Dear Jerrica

It is a terrific insight to note the likenesses between "hiding" trans issues and parental issues. Yes, hiding takes a toll.

Don't worry about justifying yourself to your parents (or anyone). You could show up with a 47XXY cert and Dr. Everett Koop in a hoop skirt and it would not change things from your parents perspective. Chromosones are a part of your language, not theirs.

Don't make the effort to cut them out of your life. They will find some other biblical transgression in that behavior and pile it on their current list of grievances.

All gender issues aside, be the better person, rise above the argument, the ignorance, the hurt. Some happy day, your parents may make their way to peace, but it is not your job to lead them there.

Lovely post today. Thanks

xxoo - Petra

burgerbecky said...

I'll be blunt. It's your parent's loss, not yours. I too have family members who will never accept me, and I consider it their own loss that they refuse to participate in my life. So, as I travel the world, meet new people, smile and live a life worth living, they are the ones missing out on these wonderful experiences.

You Debra, are experiencing things in life that you once only dreamt of, and now are becoming commonplace. If your parents choose to miss out on your smile, your laugh, and your happiness, they are the ones who suffer. You won't, because it's you who are happy.

And the pursuit of happiness was so sought after, it was enshrined in the US Declaration of Independence.

You, my friend, have found happiness.

Shannon said...

Sweetheart, I cannot improve on the support you have already been given here. Their wisdoms have been to the point and as solid as stone. Hold on to the knowledge that this has been your best year of life ever! Look forward to this next year being better yet. Hold on to the love you are being given by your friends. And cling with your very fingernails if that's all that's left, to the hope that Poppa will turn your parent's hearts back to you.

Your Momma-In-Love

VĂ©ronique said...

People with a 47,XXY karyotype are male-bodied. Both Kleinfelter and non-syndrome have some influence on body shape, but the person is still male. Anecdotally, there do seem to be more 47,XXY people who are transsexual, but I don't know the actual numbers. I think most people with this karyotype remain as the sex assigned to them at birth. 47,XXY is not a cause of transsexualism, and most MTF transsexuals are 46,XY.

And as others have noted, it wouldn't help with your family anyway. If they even understood what it was about, they'd probably point to the presence of the Y chromosome (which indeed usually carries the H-Y antigen). I understand that it can be frustrating not to have a medical test that verifies transsexualism. What I always say is that the proof of the pudding is in the eating. The results of transition when it's right for you -- congruence and happiness -- speak for themselves.

I'm so sorry about the situation with your family. I can relate very closely. My mom made it clear to me several weeks ago, after a seeming slight breakthrough, that she would always think of me as male. That sent me into a serious funk for quite a while. And when I came out, I got the same thing: "We didn't notice anything," therefore they're right and I must be deluded. Sigh.

My therapist advised me to give up on my biological family, but like you, I can't do that. I know it hurts, but I can't let go of all hope. They're still my family, and my mom is the only mom I have.

*Quiet hug*

Violet.X8 said...

You have made your decision, and going down to road for any validation is not where you should spend your time. They aren't going to their minds change....period......and they masquerade their confusion with religious bs.

You seem like an amazing good person, you will find friends that will fit the voids left by your old life. Live your life free of this negativity, you deserve it:-)

xoxo - Violet

Kirsty said...

Just.... *Hugs*

Dana Andra said...

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a GIFT =)"

I like that. A lot. Especially the "today is a gift" part.

Big big hug....

Amorous Eyes said...

It may take years, it may never happen at all, but it is perfectly fine to keep hoping that they'll come around.

Post a Comment

Total Pageviews