Monday, October 18, 2010

Who is that unidentified man?

This was a dream I had the second night of our road trip down the Oregon Coast:

I was looking out of the window of a house with an unidentified but familiar man standing behind me and it started to snow. It snowed rather quickly and the whole yard was covered in less than a second or two. I said aloud : “wow I’ve never seen it snow that fast before” (This was a hint that it was a dream but I didn't notice). I stood there and took in the beauty and leaned back on the guy and he held me close. Then he ever so slowly, holding me like I was a fragile china doll, softly kissed me on the cheek. It was so intimate as his lips took a lifetime in their touch softly brushing against my cheek. I was so overwhelmed that I felt like crying in joy.

Then mom woke me up, turning her CPAP machine off. =P

I guess the dream is a reflection of my thoughts during our drive that day. I had been thinking about relationships, old and new. Thoughts of my ex-wife and the good times we had. Thoughts of what I was looking for in a mate nowadays, man or woman. Sometimes I think of being post-op as a way of being more accepted by straight men seeking relationships and yet I've also come to realize that it opens me up from the protection that being pre-op has provided. A lot of straight guys that let's say had less-than-good intentions, were avoided simply BECAUSE I am pre-op.

Being post-op may open me up to a bigger pool of possible mates but the fact of the matter is, someone who would have loved me unconditionally as pre-op is going to have a better understanding and support than someone who only loves me after I'm post-op. And there will also be a lot more possible mates with not-so-great intentions that will no longer be quite so inhibited.

It's all so complicated...there are so many different kinds of people out there and I'm waiting for the one that I can connect with on the right level. It almost seems impossible at times. And yet it seems to happen everyday around us.


Shannon said...

oh sure! blame your mom for breaking up your dream! ;)

Shannon said...

You're gonna have to trust yourself and Poppa. The thing you will have to do that will be hard will to hold yourself back and really get to know your suitors before you let your heart go. Understand that I will claim an exemption when it all happens to me. I have ben in the past addicted to the attention. It's heady stuff.

Violet.X8 said...

You will find that person, don't worry about all the icky guys. Your a positive & nice person, and that usually attracts the same:-)

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