Friday, November 26, 2010

Someday I want to be a mom

I went to the theater today and saw a movie. The title or actors are not really important, they bear no relevance to what happened to me during the movie.

In one scene, a man is running up to his house as his wife holding one child and holding the hand of another child, run up to meet him. They embrace and kiss and I was oddly struck with the epiphany: "Someday, I want to be a mom".

What does it mean to be a mom, you might ask? Is it raising children, nurturing them through their babyhood, passing down your experiences as they grow older, trying desperately to make sure they don't make the same mistakes you regret making and yet letting them fall once in a while, when they need to learn the hard way? Is it dealing with the teenage years of having them turn away from you in defiance as you spend endless nights crying, only wishing they would go back to being young and innocent again? Or watching them grow to adulthood and realizing that parenthood does not end there and that you have a lifelong commitment and bond to care for your adult children?

Frankly, I think it's all that and more. I think that what it means to be a mom can only be found through experience, not unlike knowing what it means to be a woman.

Growing up, I constantly looked to my dad as a role model, obsessively so. And yet I never ever wanted kids, being a dad was something that just did NOT make sense to me. I was horrified of being around kids, I just didn't know how to handle them and I worried they would "call me out" or "see right through me" and who I am....even when I couldn't see it for myself.

Now, I find myself still a bit timid around other peoples' kids but my thinking is quite different. My latest struggle over the past month or two has been dealing with the fact that I can never carry a child in pregnancy. Many would gawk at me that I'd even want to and they'd tell me I should be thankful that I cannot but I just don't see it that way. I realize pregnancy is not something taken lightly. It is nine or more months of an aching, backbreaking experience and more months still of recovery but I can still honestly say I'd take that if I feel the life of my own child inside as he/she grows in their first stages of life, I can't even begin to fathom that feeling. Nor will I ever be able to.

But there is always adoption and I hope that in the future, when I meet the right guy and the time is right, we may choose a route such as that, to have a child we can call our own. That's all in the future though, right now, I just know:

Someday, I want to be a mom.


Melissa said...

And I hope that some day you can indeed be a mom, Debra! I completely identify with your feelings on this, from start to finish! I have always related to children as a woman, and never as a man.

Melissa XX

Jenny said...

I can completely relate to that, if I could I would, too. I've had these feelings for years, something you can't easily explain to others when you present as a bloke.

Caroline said...

I have always surprised people by being good with children, everybody knew of my decision to never bring a child into this world and I was seen as a strange sort of guy for much of my life.

When I finally came out to everyone the first words from my niece were "we never had an uncle!". Kids know even if adults don't.

I still worry about bringing a child into our society, our world, and all the love and affection you give them being destroyed by peer pressure.

Something of a dilemma for me.

Caroline xxx

Ariel said...

I feel you on this. My partner and I have no children, and that was on purpose. Like you, the role of father didn't really work for me. But I still liked kids. My partner joked that I had more material instinct than she did. Many years ago, when our downstairs neighbour brought home a new baby, my partner couldn't have cared less. I held the little three-day-old girl in my arms, and it felt wonderful.

Hormones are a curious thing. For years now, I have felt that call. It's a bit cruel at my age, but it's not surprising. It's just biology at work.

I have always smiled at babies. I've always been good at getting them to smile back. Now it's quite spontaneous. Kids just put a smile on my face.

Someone I see periodically is pregnant. When she really started to show, I told her I would not be one of those people who asks to touch her belly, or even does so without asking (people are weird). But she was really into being touched. The first time I did, I teared up. It was amazing the time I felt the baby move, and then another time when the baby kicked. It's been quite a joy to go through her pregnancy with her, even a little.

When you know, I am sure you will find a way. Big hugs.

Lucy Melford said...

This has struck home with me. In fact, I've felt compelled to do a post about it. I hope you don't mind, Debra.


Violet.X8 said...

I know my parenting has felt different since hormones. Or is it the lack of influence from my ex, when I'm with my son? Either way I enjoy being mom much more than dad:-)

You'll find that family that you desire. Where there is a will, there is a way right:-)

Alan said...

Hope all your dreams come true! Alan

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