Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Summary

Many people are born with birth defects. Some are realized and treated at birth while others are not so obvious. They can be hidden for so many years that they require enormous amounts of strength and pain to finally overcome and begin treatment. Mine was as such. I believe I was born with the heart and mind of a baby girl inside the body of a baby boy. Growing up, I began to realize this little by little but the more I realized, the more I knew I had to try harder to be who my parents needed me to be. It wasn't what they said to me so much as their actions, emotions, relationships, and their beliefs.

I adapted well enough. I lived what most would call a full life. I graduated high school, went to college, and got married. But something wasn't right and there came a point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. I call this my awakening. It began by finding solace in crossdressing. It was peaceful. It felt right. And the more time I spent that way, the more I felt real, the more I felt like myself and by proxy, the less I wanted to go back to living as a man.

There was struggle. There were hurdles. Christian upbringing, biblical counselors, heterosexual wife, disowning parents. I did not make it through without scars. But I am still here today, able to stand before you as myself finally, a woman. And life has never been so good.

There are still hurdles to overcome. Some of them are out of my control while some are within mine and my generation's grasp. I hope someday that nobody will have to live trying to be somebody else, for fear of societal pressures or religious bigotry.

2 comments:

Drew... or is it? said...

Wow, that seems so much like me. I grew up "normal" enough, I had my collection of girly clothes that I took comfort in. But I was so good at being a boy, joined the military, volunteered as a firefighter... and excelled at it all. But there was always something nagging at me that I couldn't ignore any longer. So here I am, heading down the road of transition.

Reading your blog helps, I know its going to be tough, but I'm ready. I know I dont know you, but I'm proud of you, and thanks for all the posts.

Dana Andra said...

My girlfriend and I both also find our condition as transgendered women to be a profound birth defect, indeed. That's exactly what it is. We both grew up at a time when the notion of boys being girls was unheard of, but never being one who has lived her life according to labels, I've never understood why boy & girls had to abide by two separate sets of rules. By having to stand with the boys, I found myself yearning so many things I could see just across the room. I likely would have felt the same way had I been born a girl, and I know I would have been a tomboy, but at least I would have had the proper body. I, too, hope there comes a day when boys & girls aren't compelled to waste so many of their years wearing a mask and playing a role just to fit in. As hard as it is to transition, it's even harder to be someone you're not.

You really are such a sweet and lovely girl, Debra. Despite all the pain you've suffered and the huge personal price you've had to pay, you ARE the person you were born to be, and you're a true inspiration.

Big hug,
Dana

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