Saturday, January 8, 2011

Tootsie-Pop Processes

A lot has been on my mind and heart lately. I've begun to notice some major changes in how my brain works in the last month when it comes to processing things going on in my life. After Christmas, I blogged about a long list of events and emotions that were attached. I guess I was trying to get them all out of my head so I could look at them and try to process them.

Tonight, I found myself in my bed trying to think about what I should discuss with my therapist tomorrow and I ended up creating a long list of events, relationships, social groups, and emotions involved with all of those things and I just thought to myself, "Wow, I have a lot going on."

To summarize, I have an upcoming life-changing surgery and I'm wondering if I'm too excited about it, or expecting too much from it, and just plain trying to imagine what it will be like. I'm feeling a little left out of a certain group of friends right now and with another group of friends I have mixed feelings of joy and wonder. I'm also juggling continuing family drama with my ex-spouse and biological parents who still have no desire to claim their daughter, let alone know her, and yet I have a wonderful mother who is also my peer in some ways, which has its own complications. Then there's the ongoing tangent of my faith and what I believe and whether I really want to spend the rest of my life writing software or go back to school and study Psychology. And there's still a million more things going on in my head, I swear.

Yet for some reason in the last year, I deemed it necessary to add "dating" to the mix. Wow. I guess I can kind of see now why people have been saying that I have a lot on my plate and that I should just wait to date.

Tonight I tried to think back to before my transition. Did I have all kinds of things like this going on all at once before? I feel like I used to think in a very tunnel-vision sort of way, one thought, one goal at a time. And now I feel like I'm juggling many many thoughts and emotions at once and it's definitely a new experience.

But is the difference that I'm having to learn how to process more things at once and with more emotions attached? Or is it actually that since I've become more social and have more going on in my life, there are just plain more things to process?

Just as how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop, the world may never know. =)


Shannon said...

Today, you are more free than you have ever been to just be you. No processes going on to filter who you have always been into the subconscious and unconscious background. In a little while, a blink of an eye, you will be free of a few more wasted strings of thought. Please enjoy this new freedom Poppa has given you. Rejoice! Cry for joy! You are a wonderful and wonder full girl-child of God; crafted with great care by Poppa's warm, gentle, and loving hands. You know how precious you are to me, o daughter-of-my-heart, how much more Precious are you to Him who weaves all the threads of the beautiful Tapestry that is your life!

Nebraska said...

Hang in there. Everyone goes through trials. Its how we face them that defines who we really are.

Teagan said...

Reading this blog, it has an optimistic, excited tone to it... it doesn't sound to me like you are all that "stressed" per se about all the things in your head. Perhaps it's the excitement that comes along with being yourself, and dealing with life's issues as yourself, finally.

That guy probably didn't want to deal with anything, so he looked at only one mere thing at a time.

To me you sound excited and happy. And you should be! Keep it up!!

Ariel said...

If you're getting enough sleep, eating right, and have time for exercise (and I know you do Zumba at least), and you're putting your time in at the office, then you're not doing too much. I wish I could juggle that many things! I have so many more interests than I have time to deal with them.

I agree with Teagan. You sound excited, not overwhelmed. But only you know for sure. And your life is really opening up. It's a joy to observe even from here!

I kept my expectations for SRS quite low. I didn't want to have too many expectations. But in contrast to what Lori wrote, I found that the result far exceeded my kept-in-check expectations -- physically, psychologically, in all kinds of ways. I did not "wake up a woman," as stupid movies would have it. But especially once I had healed, I felt so different about myself, because I was different in a place that was very significant to me.

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