Thursday, February 17, 2011

Born this way

Today I had another one of those stupid revelations. When I say stupid, I mean very profound and yet very obvious.

I was thinking about how my chiropractor laughs at me when I mispronounce a condition I have in my spine: Spun-diddle-yee-isis. It's a cutesy thing. I do things like that naturally somehow. It's part of who I am. Cutesy, girly, you name it. And frankly I think I always was that way but only allowed to take it so far while trying to be a guy.

When I talk about my past, especially my childhood, I sometimes feel like it's all hypothetical. I often ask myself 'Am I reaching too far to try to make this point?' But here's where the revelation comes in. Despite all of my childhood memories and how I interpret them, I know for a fact with every fiber of my being that if my parents had come to me as a child and said 'do you feel like a girl or boy?' or 'do you want to play with this or that?' or 'would you rather do this or that?' and finally if they added on: 'It's ok with us either way you feel'. If they had said all of that, if I had really felt like it was ok for me to be a girl....I would have responded as such. I have no doubt in my mind about that. And that kind of amazes me.

So like I said, some of you will probably walk away from this post thinking I was merely stating the obvious. It's funny how little stupid "obvious" revelations can hit you sometimes.

I really hope someday my parents can truly see me for me and understand that I was born this way.

PS ~ In no way am I suggesting it's my parents' fault that I am trans or that I wasn't able to transition earlier in life. I blame an unaccepting society.


Shannon said...

You never were a boy. You never were a boy. You never were a boy. You never were a boy. You never were a boy. You never were a boy. You never were a boy. You never were a boy.

Once in a while, I get things right. This is one of them. You never were a boy.

Agent J said...

I think that many of were so conditioned at the time to accept what we experienced as "normal" that it's a powerful revelation when we finally have it even if it would seem obvious to others.

Sally Sapphire said...

'It's ok with us either way you feel'

Gawd, how I would have loved to hear that from my mother! I always felt different, and knew without a doubt that I was supposed to be a girl. I was clever enough to know people didn't talk about those feelings, but it never occurred to me that there might be anything wrong with them . . . at least, not until she introduced me to her crippling shame.

Valeta said...

I may not know *exactly* how you feel, but there is nothing more important in life then living an authentic life.


Shannon said...

What Valeta said!

Robyn D said...

Exploring your past is fascinating - I can think of so many things in my past that should have told me. Hell - they did tell me but I really supressed it.
You are who you are and what you always were. Good luck with the SRS.

Amorous Eyes said...

Interesting. Wile I was in hardcore denial for most of my life, this wasn't the case in my very early years. I think if my parents would've given me the choice before the age of say, 6, I would've gone girl right away!

Allison said...

I've gone through the exact same process analyzing why I did/do certain things. I think it is just obvious that we're wired differently from the beginning. It just takes us awhile to realize it because we think we've kept everything hidden so well. This was a powerful realization when I was coming out.

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