Thursday, February 10, 2011

Dating Disclosures

I feel like I have to go the rest of my life with a placard hanging from my neck which has the word "TRANSSEXUAL" transcribed on it. The sign is more than just protection from other people not wanting to interact with me but also for me. It's a safety that keeps me away from the people who would cause me pain and tears. The placard is just a metaphor for the fact that I have to disclose my "trans status" to people, especially people I date. I can choose to hide it for a while but at some point it's just going to come up so I try to make sure how it comes up is within my control...instead of a surprise.

It's days like this that I go back to desperately wishing I had been born a natal female. I recently removed this "placard" from my dating profile and started interacting with a couple guys, one of which I seemed to have a fair amount of chemistry with. We exchanged long messages back and forth and they were insightful, playful, humorous, and yet intelligent. I don't meet many guys that can interact like that. Well the time came and he asked me on a date, we had a nice coffee + dinner date and that was that.

Today he asked me on a 2nd date and I felt like I had to finally disclose my "trans status" to him before such a date or before either of our hearts became entangled. Needless to say, that did not go over well. He wasn't rude or anything but it came down to the age-old line: "Let's be friends"; 3 words of rejection I had heard plenty of times before.

You know what really got me though was the fact that I will be a post-op woman in 32 days didn't matter to him. I mean, I tend to think that after surgery, a lot more guys will be accepting and maybe I won't even have to disclose till much later on because there won't be any surprises when interacting physically. But he really didn't seem to care post-op or not.....I was not woman enough for him to date, only be a friend. Well I don't really need friends that don't think I'm woman enough.

So tell me why again do people think this path is a "choice"? Who would ever choose this?


danielcaswell75 said...

awww. that is so sad sis. you deserve a virtual hug for his rejecting you.

Ariel said...

This is a rough time for dating. Once you are on the other side and healed, a lot of things might look different. I still understand about disclosure when you get serious (although you have a lot less past than someone like me does), at least if there will be things like meeting family and friends involved, but I think it might be easier for you and for others as well.

Sorry for those three words. The wrong three. But I think it will get better.

Melissa said...

Ahh, but truthfully, it is a choice. That is intellectually undeniable. You didn't have to do this, or die. Too many others just like you have wanted it just as badly as you, but have foregone it for myriad reasons, and they did not end up hanging themselves, or slitting their wrists. So it definitely is a choice that you made, and along with that choice, comes the responsibility to own up to it, and be proud of it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. it's not meant to be hurtful, but that's just the raw truth that so many transsexuals don't want to own up to, out of insecurity of not being considered true transsexuals. Nonsense! Of course you are a true transsexual.

But when you date a man, you can't just think about yourself. He is a human being too, and you have to have as much respect for him, as you have for yourself. That means not being dishonest with him. From the very start, he deserves to know who he is getting involved with. Honesty is always the best policy, and if you tell your prospective partners up front, about your history, your chances of getting dumped after you've gotten your hopes up, will be lessened. Even after surgery, you owe it to him to let him know the truth about yourself. Failure to do so is an indication that you have something to be ashamed of, and you certainly don't.

Now I'm sure some others will vociferously disagree with me, and even question my credentials to take such a stand, but the only credentials required to be on the side of honesty, is that you be a human being.

Big hug sweetie, i'm sorry that your feelings were hurt!
Melissa XX

Caroline said...

Do you think there was any honesty in the friendship offer, friends are priceless.

Caroline xxx

Valeta said...


I'm so sorry.

Even Natal women get rejected and feel this way. Boys suck.

JoeyMaloney said...

It is a tough time for you to date right now. There are better guys out there.

Debra said...

@Daniel - Thanks!

@Ariel - I hope so but the way things turned out with this didn't matter if I was post-op or not.....

@Caroline - A friend that doesn't see me as a woman is not a friend. If they can't believe in who I am then how can they truly be a friend?

@Kev - *hugs*

@Valeta - true, but natal woman don't have like 95% of men not wanting anything to do with them. Boys do suck ;)

@Joey - Thanks, I hope so.

@Mom - Amen and thanks.

@Melissa - my Mom (Shannon) has already covered part of how I wanted to respond. You say being a transsexual is a choice...well I disagree still. Sure transitioning to be who you really are instead of living a life FAKE is a choice BUT 1. for some it's a choice of do or die and 2. it is NOT a choice to be transsexual. It is just how we are born. That's the mistake many people make...thinking that we 'choose' to do this for none other than is so not the case. It is just built within us.

Thank you all for your comments as always! Love you!

<3 Debra

kristi said...

I am a woman that is engaged to a pre-op MtF transgendered woman. Melissa, I could not disagree with you more. It is NOT a choice. It IS a matter of life or death for my partner....who has been driven to substance abuse and suicide because of the body she's been trapped in for the last 44 years. It kills me to see her in the pain she has to endure on a daily basis. If she "chooses" to live as a male, she will die. Period.

Robyn D said...

It must be really hard to hide your past. You can't make up a history that doesn't exist especially as you get older and especially as you get more serious.

Big hug to you and I hope the op goes ok.


Debra said...

@Kristi - thanks for that and hope your girl is doing well =)

@Robyn - Thanks it is and I try not to because I like to be honest. I just feel like disclosing this kind of thing shouldn't need to happen. Do women usually have to disclose weird deformities about their genitals upon meeting someone? That's my big deal.

@Sophia - Thanks yeah I know. I kind of wish I had used a pseudonym instead of my real name sometimes so at least I wouldn't be quite so searchable but at the same time, being able to be out and honest has felt good. It just gets harder when seriously lowers the group of men that will even consider dating you =(

chrissy31947 said...

Melissa, the "choice" as you put it is in all reality made for you by the will to live. As one afflicted with the same situation as Debra, my first few "choices" were to suppress and continue on. My next batch of 'choices' were to try to live with a major core identity conflict and continue on. The next group of "choices" dealt with 'who cares, I'll die soon, hopefully.At this point my conflict had compromised me to the point, I couldn't make a decision about much of anything

Finally, as I was entering the hospital for the second time to deal with suspected cancer over a deal I had been putting off so I would die quickly, my survival instinct took over and I gave in to the only way to increase my longevity on this earth.
So you see, when somebody mentions that there is a choice, it does mean "transition or death". That is the only place the word choice is appropriate. Being trans is no more a choice than the color of our eyes.

Sophia Athena Farren said...

Well Debra hopefully the "less" choices means you are weeding out the garbage when it comes to good guys. I know I can harsh towards guys but I KNOW there are good guys out there that will accept the WHOLE you.

sam.franklin said...

Choosing to be yourself is just that...a choice. You can choose to deny your being, but what kind of a person would you be or life would you have. That seems, to me, to be a much harder life than being true to yourself and you have experienced that. With that being are a woman. You are 100% woman and a lady to boot. What anatomy you have doesn't matter to me and any guy is a fool for not wanting to date you. That you need to know and believe.

Melissa said...


I didn't say that being transsexual is a choice, because it's not. I said transitioning and having GRS is a choice, because is. Not transitioning is not an automatic ticket to the morgue. Countless transsexuals have not been able to transition for all kinds of legitimate reasons, and they did not end their lives, because of it. I didn't say they were happy about it, just that they didn't die. We don't hear about all of them, we just hear about the rare one who does commit suicide. If we are to believe the change sex or die rationale, then how do we explain all of them, and the people who manage to live into their fifties, sixties, or later before transitioning?

But the crux of my reply was not about choice, it was about being honest with those you choose to have relationships with, out of respect for them, and to save yourself from getting hurt when they finally find out about your past.

Melissa XX

sam.franklin said...

I completely agree with you about being born who we are. I do not, however, agree with Melissa about full disclosure to everyone you choose to have relationships with. It's nobody's business who you were except yours.
I wouldn't have a "responsibility" to disclose that was once heterosexual and had a crush on Ricky the paperboy. It's no one's business but my own. You're not engaging in high risk behavior and spreading diseases like butter. Who you are is who you are. If you choose to disclose, it's no business of mine and I'm not playing morality police. I just am heartbroken you're not a lesbian (boo hoo).

Debra said...

@Sam - Thanks =) hehe

@Melissa - Well again you would be generalizing say it's NOT transition or die JUST the same as we would be generalizing to say that it IS transition or die.

Because every single one of us has a different path, different life, has different feelings. We are all different. For some of us it may be transition or die and for others, not so much.

For me, it WAS transition or die. There's no choice in that.

chrissy31947 said...

Melissa is right somewhat: "Not transitioning is not an automatic ticket to the morgue." In fact the latest study on this puts the number of attempted suicides reported by the surveys respondents at 41%, certainly not even a majority. However no one responded that had success at suicide. I have heard these percentages quoted as being into double digits. That could push the percentages well over 50%.
In contrast the non trans suicide rate is less than 2%.

Debra said...

@Chrissy - Again, you just can't generalize. Everyone's different, shrug.

gp said...

Just curious Debra. Do you think the guy's offer to be friends was genuine? Maybe that was his way to give himself time to find out if he was comfortable being in a dating relationship with someone who's transitioned.

Brian Katcher said...

You'll find the right guy. Trust me.

Kirsten said...

Hi Debra!

I just started reading your blog and watching some of your vlog's. I feel like I showed up a little late to this discussion and what's to be said that hasn't already been said. I'm no expert but I think things get too wrapped up in the idea of "choice" to begin with. What matters is that you are on the right path for you! It is quite obvious that you are on the right path and I congratulate you on that :) As far as boys and how/if to tell them you've transitioned/are transitioning, it is tough. You want them to like you for you and not have them "proceed by disclaimer". From what I can tell you are a very sweet beautiful girl and any boy would be lucky to have someone like you! As mentioned, disclosure of your personal information should be on your timeline and on your terms. You will find someone.

Best wishes with your procedure and the future here on out :)


Billie said...

I'm so sorry you were rejected but experience has taught me that it happens even after the fact! Who you are is no one's business but your own, period! Best of luck in all your life.

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