Sunday, February 13, 2011

Lonely nights along the way

I cleaned the house this weekend, had the tires rotated, got some groceries, went to church, saw a movie. The rest of the time, I found myself sitting in my living room, on my computer, watching Dexter or other TV shows. And for some reason I had a sense of loneliness. Not loneliness for family, my lost parents, or even friends. This was a certain kind of romantic loneliness I haven't felt in some time. It also wasn't missing any person in was just wanting to have someone to hold me close. The day before Valentine's Day, go figure, I guess, right?

This whole dating situation that happened over the last week kind of broke down some dreams I guess I had in my head about being post-op. Since I started transition I had thought about how dating may change after I finally was anatomically correct. Maybe I wouldn't have to disclose that I am a transsexual woman because they wouldn't be able to figure it out on their own.....even after we became intimate.

But the last guy brought on a couple thoughts:

1. Even after getting to know me in person, interacting with me, being attracted to me, and so much more, a guy can still not be able to get it out of his head that I once had the body of a man and tried to interact on this world as one.

2. Using my real name on the internet and linking it to my experiences transitioning from male to female was probably not the smartest thing to do. I'm feeling a bit regretful now because once I am post-op and there is nothing else left to "give me away" that's connected to my physical body, I will still be very "googlable".

But those two things are not things I can change.

In reality, it doesn't matter how googleable I am because as much as I just want to live as a woman, I already came to the decision early on that I couldn't ever go fully "stealth" and desperately hide my trans status from the world. I would feel like I was lying or being dishonest, exchanging one life of hiding for another. And frankly it doesn't matter if there are guys out there who can't get over something in the back of their head about my past life....because I have already experienced guys that can. So I know they're out there and some of them even have sparks that are ready to be set off when we meet.

There are just going to be some lonely nights along the way


Teagan said...

I've been thinking about you for the past couple of days and hoping that you were doing OK. I do believe that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for you. And hopefully me for me someday as well. It's a smaller pool, and it will take some time, and yes, there will be lonely nights, but I have faith... I *have* to have faith that the person is out there.

I have a lot of respect for you for using your real name. Reading your post today helped me with some of the angst I've felt lately about using my real name on Facebook and PE.

big hugs.

Dana Andra said...

It is simply impossible that you won't find someone who is as special as you are. I know all too well the lonely nights. Even though I have a girlfriend, she's 5000 miles away at the moment, and I really feel that distance. But someone will come along for you -- someone who will consider themselves lucky to have found you. That's just a fact.

Big hug, hon...

Caroline said...

Six billion people on this planet. There are uncountable people out there who would find you irresistible given the chance.

This time next valentines day post...

Caroline xxx

agent-dani said...

I really sympathize about having your name linked to that online. I didn't get a choice in that: my SO did it when seeking support for herself.

Robyn D said...

I know about the name thing. I work in a school and am coming out to the school soon even though some of the staff know. This is the kind of thing that will get in the press and then on the Internet.
Valentine's day is really hard - I would love a relationship but even know I'm not sure how that's going to work out.

Thinking of you


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