Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Last Days

Today is February 15th. Exactly 1 month from today, March 15th, I'll be entering major surgery and when it's over I will never quite be the same. Ironically a year ago tomorrow was when I first came back to work as a woman. Also ironically, 2 years ago in March is when I first started questioning my gender issues and completely unrelated but interesting to note, when I became gluten intolerant. It's kind of funny to think about. And it's amazing to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years.

After surgery, I will be experiencing an era of new "firsts". But over the next month I will be experiencing some "lasts". The last days I'll ever have to worry about tucking. The last days I'll have to feel self conscious (at least for that reason) in yoga pants, swimsuits, thin shorts, and other tight pants. The last days I'll have to worry about where a guy places his leg (among other things) while making out with me. The last days of chafing from tucking too tight. The last days of being afraid of being seen naked, even by a significant other. The last days of wearing 2 pair of underwear at all times. The last days of worrying about how going to the bathroom sounds to the other women in the stalls next to me. The last days of experiencing side affects of a testosterone-blocking drug.

Some of you may be thinking things like: What about the last time to pee standing up? Or the last time to have intercourse as the penetrator? And other such privileges of having male anatomy. Well those were already out of the picture for me, not because of the lack of ability but because of the lack of desire.

I wish I could say this will be the last days of my parents estrangement from me but I don't feel like that will be the case. Having surgery alone will not bring them back to me but hopefully it will start to give them a sense of the permanence and also my need to live this way. After a year of transition, being happy, and having surgery....I'd say it should probably be pretty hard for them to cling to a "maybe this is a phase" ideal. With such hopes dashed though, hopefully their hearts can start to mend.


danielcaswell75 said...

very good blog Debra. im excited that your getting the surgery and happy that your finally going to be a complete woman. big hugs to you.

Lucy Melford said...

15 March: may the month go quickly for you. I'm 1 March, and believe me those final pre-op days are whizzing by. I'm soon going into my 'quarantine' period - no unnecessary exposure to people with colds - and I suppose it might as well be called a 'period of retreat', because I will be thinking about my past life, and where I will be going now, just as you are.


Rebecca said...

Another interesting and thought provoking post. I can't wait for your blog entry about your upcoming First Days.

Ariel said...

I've heard this worry about how it sounds peeing. Really, if you're sitting down, it sounds the same! And no one is listening to you anyway.

But I'm glad that in a month all that stuff will be behind you. And a glorious future will be before you!

ViviBlue said...

w00t! Congrats, and good luck!

Also, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who worries about the way I sound when peeing. ;)

Amorous Eyes said...

I'm very happy for you! (and maybe even a little bit jealous, hehe.) It must be a great (and somewhat scary) feeling to be so close to your surgery date.

Tucking can be such a pain, especially in those clothes you mention. That's one of the things I most look forward to never have to do again.

Good luck! :)

Bob said...

I envy you for your openness about your transition problems and victories. I wish you the best!

For most of my near 70 years I have been under the pressure of being not quite the gender I was born as, at this point in my life, I have more or less realized I'm going to have to live as born. Times have changed.

Brian Katcher said...

I'll spare you the ides of March joke. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Knock 'em dead.

Debra said...

Thanks everyone =) It's creeping up on me now ;)

Shannon said...

@brian- you're too late about the Ides of March... her mother couldn't resist :)

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