Friday, March 4, 2011

A Joyful Union

Tomorrow is March 5th and my ex-wife is getting re-married. First of all, let me say that I am completely happy for her and her to-be husband. The fact that she has found happiness so soon gives me great joy and I know for a fact that it has helped her move on much easier than if she hadn't met him. That aside, from what I've heard of him, he seems like an excellent man so that just makes it all the better. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and in turn, for me to be happy. It just turned out that we couldn't be happy together.

Ironically, the day we filed for divorce was March 5th of last year. We had been separated for about 3 months already by that time and I didn't see any hope of her ever accepting me as a woman and she didn't see a whole lot of hope of me ever wanting to be her 'man' again. So we amicably agreed to terms and filed the paperwork.

On March 10th, she came over to the house to get something or other and was still seriously going on about if I'd changed my mind yet and I told her: "You can't even say my name, how could we possibly be together?". She left crying and I thought she said "Bye Debra" as she left. That tiny act of respect set me off and I cried my eyes out after she left. But it made me question, could we really work out after all? So I wrote her the following email to make sure she knew what it would really mean if we stayed together:

Dearest Baybo~

I left you a voicemail but I guess it's been on my mind tonight so I thought I'd go into more detail. When you left, crying, I'm not sure what you said and maybe it was my imagination but I thought I heard you say "Bye Debra". Anyway, because of that I cried for a long time after you left. I cried because I do love you and because I DO need you to call me by my name, to use female pronouns when referring to me even to other people, to really and truly believe that I am a woman and still love and accept me as I am that way. You say you can do some of those things because you're feeling desperate but I think you need to understand what that really means.

It's not just using my correct name or female pronouns around me, it's using them around others. When my parents ask "How is J***** doing?", it's you responding "Debra is doing really well, thanks. She's been writing iphone apps again.....etc". The same goes for people at your church or anybody else at all. It's realizing and believing that I am a woman, that God allowed me to be born with a male body because of sin in the world. No matter if you believe I was born this way or that it's a product of my raising, the fact is, it is who I am and God loves me as his daughter. It also means when we have sex (pre or post operative surgery), that you are not only ok with it but embrace it...not because you consider me a man but because you love me as a woman. It would truly be a lesbian relationship.

I'm at a point where I need to be loved for who I am, as a woman. I don't want all the male roles, in fact they are painful to me. I want to be taken care of, held, loved, acknowledged, adored, etc.

I also realize that even if you really could bring your heart, mind, and soul to believe these things and be able to begin loving me in this way, that there are other things that are different now too. We go to 2 different churches because our beliefs about homosexuality differ, among others. You want to go back to school, I need to save for surgeries. Both my family and your family are speaking to you while neither speak to me.

I guess my point is, no you should not stay with me because we made solemn vows to do so no matter what. That's not a good reason in my opinion. It's a blind blanket statement that has no meaning because it simply means staying married for the heck of it without any of the love and acceptance that is needed in a real marriage. It would only be one of roommates, something I don't want any part of.

No, you should stay with me if you love me enough to really understand me and open your heart to my changes, knowing I've become a healthier, happier person and reflecting the image of God in female likeness as any other woman of God would. In all this, you'd have to love me for the person that I am while accepting that that person is indeed a woman.

Can you do all of this?

The next day, she called me up and told me straight up that she read my email and she could not adhere to all of what it entailed. And so our divorce stayed filed and later became final on June 9th. I think, for the better of both of us.

We're not exactly on speaking terms right now but to close, I'd just like to say something to both Jessica and her new husband:
Congratulations to both of you. I am truly filled with joy that you two found each other and I pray your marriage will succeed where ours failed. I hope you have the happiest years of your lives from here on out.


Valeta said...

I totally just cried. *hugs*

Shannon said...

((( Hugs ))) I don't know that I could have stuck to my guns if my wife had made any effort to reconcile. I would have had to be me and she would have had to deal with that, but I don't know what other compromises I might have agreed to. iYou have made a life for yourself as your true self and you should be proud. I am proud of you.

B said...

I can see both sides to this. Mostly I can see the pain both of you had to endure....It truly is wonderful that both of you are moving forward - neither of you asked to be in your respective situations, but happiness is dawning for all...

Jennifer said...

Another amazing post! Had me all crying :`-) But it also helped my wife and I sit down and think through things. We are in that "do we stay separated or try the roommates thing" stage and your letter gave us both some very important things to think about.
I know you probably get this all the time, but THANK YOU!!!! The sharing you have done here have been such an encouragement! It gives me hope that there is a life past the pain of rebirth.

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