Sunday, March 27, 2011

Letter to a Mother

How can you be so cruel?
How can you go through feeling what it's like to lose a mother
and then not even begin to see from my shoes?
Do you realize that every time you send me an email
my heart is filled with such grief
and my eyes with such tears
that I want to cut my throat to make it stop?
And yet instead of cutting you off completely
I leave myself open for you to stomp on my heart again
only because I want to love you somehow
through your hate, past your vindication.
Do you wish that I was dead?
Would that be any different than what it is now?
Can you ever understand that this has been life or death for me?
The problem isn't that you refuse to understand
it's that you're too afraid
to even try.

5 comments:

Jennifer said...

You have such a gift with words!

Ariel said...

I got that kind of thing from my mother for two and a half years. She is 91, very Catholic, very set in her ways. My therapist urged me just to let it go, to stop hoping. I told her that I couldn't. And after two and a half years (and some counselling for her, I know), we're once again talking on the phone. She insists on calling me by my middle name, which is a variant on my birth name, but it's a female name. There is some level of acceptance.

I don't know if your mother will come around or not. And I don't know if you can last through the kind of hurt that waiting involves. But I hope so.

Allison said...

That's exactly what frustrates me so much: people who won't even try to understand.

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. Stay strong. You really are an inspiration.

Amorous Eyes said...

What Allison said. That a mother would not even *try* to comprehend what their own child is going through/has gone through is mind boggling.

Many *hugs* to you, Debra!

Jessica said...

Your mom loves you. She lost her son. No matter what the future holds and how she views it let her morn the son that she bore and raised.

I care about both of you very much and its really difficult to see so much hurt between you.

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