Thursday, March 10, 2011

Nerves?

I'm on my 10th day of re-experiencing testosterone in my system and it's been like a roller coaster. Yesterday was probably the worst day so far and even worse that night. I've been keeping a private journal regarding my days of "Testosterone Re-entry". I'd like to share an excerpt of that from yesterday:

I had olive garden salad for lunch and some home made nachos for dinner. Not much really. Still sweating like crazy and at both the hair place and at Olive Garden, I felt self conscious....the look in peoples' eyes was one of curiosity which usually means I'm not passing. After lunch, my headache came back no matter how much water I drank. I started getting cranky and emotional at work by the end of the day. I cried about something else at work but I Forget what it was now. I ran some errands and went home and tried on my goods from Victoria's Secret. The bikini tops did not fit very nicely and it wasnt the size of my boobs as much as how wide my chest is in comparison. I was really sad about that and frustrated. Then I tried on the new bras. These bras are NOT ultra-padded but barely at all, slightly pushup but when I tried all 3 of them on, I looked in the mirror and I felt myself and they fill the cup and it looked amazing and I cried tears of joy. It just felt and looked so right for the first time in a long time....like it had a long time coming. Also I think the realization: "I can fit into regular bras now!" was HUGE.

After that I watched a couple TV shows and found myself unable to hold back both tears of sadness and joy at the events in both of those shows. I really am an emotional wreck tonight. Mom thinks it may be at least partially nerves. People ask if I'm nervous and I say no, I'm not .... but I suppose there is a part of me that is nervous but the optimist side of me won't let it dominate me and cause me to worry....so maybe it's getting expressed in other ways instead.

As you can see, last night was quite an emotional upheaval. Probably because of the weird mix of hormones in my system right now and maybe part of it is really about nerves too. The surgery that's coming up in just 5 days will be life-changing and there are so many things that can go wrong outside of the mandatory and difficult healing process itself. I guess it's good to remember that and acknowledge the nerves even if I still continue to let optimism exude from me.

3 comments:

Kathy B said...

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this, but like so many other difficult things we do, it IS worth the trouble. Good luck with your surgery, and I know you'll recover quickly with very little pain.

B said...

Debra, you already do know this but you have a lot of people, either those you interact with every day, or those, like me who have been shyly lurking while consuming greedily every bit of what you share of yourself here on your blog, that are cheering you on. You're walking the fairway of the 18th green and mentally preparing yourself to make that putt to give you your first major. Don't try to analyze for fear of what might go wrong, go with what got you to this point, live in the moment, and when everything is said and done next week, you'll look back on this and value the journey that much more.....we're all ALL pulling for you and your happiness

Life In Neon said...

You've come so far, you can pull through it. :) Your vlog has been amazingly helpful to me, and I am sure many others. I know you can do it!

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