Saturday, March 5, 2011

Ten

When I was 10 years old, I was out at recess with my best friend (who happened to be a girl) and we were just hanging out talking by the basketball courts. She was a tomboy and she mentioned to me that boys had it easy and she listed off things that she wanted to do but felt like she couldn't because she was a girl. I don't know what about that conversation made me feel comfortable enough to share but the words that came out of my mouth were: "Yeah, well I wish I was a girl".

I've tried for a long time now to remember how she reacted to that. It's like the rest of that memory is blocked out forever. I don't remember her reacting negatively though, I think that might have made more of an impression. But it was still something I never expressed again in that way so who knows.

When I was in 10th grade, I had a different best friend but again she was a girl. I was over at her house hanging out and she decided she was going to paint my nails. I rolled my eyes and laughed about it as she painted each nail with light green and a purple dot. It looked ridiculous and she laughed and I found myself making comments like "what are you doing to me?" and laughing with her. Inside, I know I felt something different, a slight serenity.

Instead of simply asking my mother for nail polish remover, I went to bed that night and went to school with painted nails. All day long people looked at me weird and made comments like "WTF dude?". I of course responded rolling my eyes and saying "yeah, she did it to me" like I was helpless. That didn't completely satisfy the inquiries though. By the end of the day, I was begging my friend to take it off...and I never let her do that again.

10 years ago this month is when I met another best friend. A best friend who appreciated my feminine qualities in a romantic fashion. A best friend who became my girlfriend. A best friend who 1.5 years later would become my fiance and another 1.5 years after that, my wife.

10 months ago, I moved into my own apartment and started my own life anew. My ex-wife and I divorced amicably after 5 years of marriage. I'm no longer afraid to speak my mind about who I am, I no longer worry about what people think about me wearing nail polish, and I now date boys exclusively. You could say a lot has changed.

And in just 10 days from now, my dreams of being physically complete will finally be realized.

6 comments:

Shannon said...

And for the 10th time! You never were a boy!

You have been on a journey. And it wont end in 10 days or 10 years. You are always growing as a woman and will continue to be the wonderful, giving woman I have known and come to love.

Brian Katcher said...

You have got to write your autobiography one of these days.

Dana Andra said...

Wow! This is one of the best blog entries I've ever read...by anyone!

Really looking forward to next Sunday!
Dana
xoxo

Amrisa Trans said...

good for you. I'm so glad you getting close for your surgery. And yes you have come a far way.

brian said...

Debra: If Dennis Rodman and Dan Quayle can right their autobiographies, then you can.

swordfish987 said...

All the best to you, and long-distance internet hugs. We're behind you all the way.

Always,
Eternally Pre

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