Monday, April 11, 2011

Patience for Surgery Results

A friend of mine, referring to the surgery, asked me today "So are you happy with the results?" and I was struck when I heard myself say: "No".

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to have had the surgery and be rid of the dysphoria but if the way my vagina looks and feels right now was as good as it was going to get, I would definitely be less than satisfied. It's the knowledge that it's still healing and may take a long time to really look and feel like it's supposed to, that keeps me going.

It's very similar to when I first started HRT. If someone were to have asked me if I was happy with the results of HRT after 1 month, I would have had the same mixture of happiness and dissatisfaction with a sense of hope that more is yet to come.

And yet another example is being where I'm now with breast growth. I happily fill an A-cup now but I definitely need more to have the proper proportions for my body to look and feel right. That being said, I've still been able to enjoy where I'm at in this moment, knowing that it's not the end-all and that I still have more time and growth to come.

So back to the surgery. It's been almost 4 weeks now and I have been through a lot. You can't really say my surgery was the smoothest around. I've had 3 complications that snowballed into each other along with a few stressful things going on in my life that sure didn't help. The combination of these things seems to have slowed down my healing by a fair margin and while that frustrates me, knowing it will get better keeps me going. Patience really sucks sometimes.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Does failing in transition = speaking out?

I came across an article today regarding a woman who claims to have transitioned Female-to-Male for a time in her life and then "changed back" after she met God. She is now testifying against a bill that is trying to be pushed through California congress that would simply allow for children to learn the truth of homosexuality and transexuality in school.

I almost wanted to vomit when I read about her testimony. Don't get me wrong, I don't judge her for her lifestyle. She claims to have felt like a boy for most of her life but then "changed back" and is the happiest she's ever been. Well that's really great for her....some people are just not meant to transition. She is most certainly not alone as there have been others who have tried to transition and failed or just found it wrong for them. What revolts me so much is that she feels the need to judge others and ignore the fact that others around her who do feel deeply transsexual are the happiest they've ever been in their successful transitioned lives.

I of course speak from experience. Yes I've had many trials and it was not easy to make such a change in my life but I am truly happy at who I've been able to become. But just because I was successful in my own transition, it does not mean that I should speak out against those who have felt it wasn't right for them.

I was raised in a very one-sided world and since I transitioned, I have come across so many different kinds of people, it's amazing. Some of them I can understand what they're going through and others I simply cannot. But one thing I continue to remind myself now is the phrase: "Everyone's different.".

What does that mean? It means none of us our the same. None of us feel the same about our bodies, our identities, our lives. Sure there may be similarities but it all comes down to the fact that we are all unique human beings. Because of that, we are always going to disagree or be unable to understand something about others around us.....because we are not in their body or their life.

Trying to see from someone else's shoes is sometimes impossible but acknowledging that we are all different tends to open our minds more to the possibility that their point of view could be just as valid.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Realization Shedding Cocoons

Today is 20 days post-op....20 days since a metaphorical second birth. 3 days in the hospital, 3 days in a recovery house, 3 days in a hotel, 1 day flying, and 10 days at home.

When a caterpillar goes into its cocoon to become a butterfly, it can take as long as 5 instars before it blossoms as a new butterfly. An instar is the period of 2-4 weeks between sheddings of "skin" of the cocoon. Each time, the shedding happens, the pupa's new skin gets bigger allowing for more room for growth.

I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing. I experienced the hospital and all its pain and torment, even a fearful complication, headache and nausea and some rest at the recovery house, dilation for the first time at the hotel, other possible complications, over-exhausting myself on the day of flight, coming home and dealing with the beginnings of a new life, all the time while continuing to heal and dealing with physical pain. Each new experience is like another instar of the process. And I know at some point soon, I'll be able to shed that last cocoon and spread my wings.

Remember when I said there would be a lot of firsts happening? Well that is definitely the case. Two days ago, I had one of those stupid revelations I've spoken of. I realized that I would never....have to tuck.....again. Stupid right? I mean is Captain Obvious speaking here or what? But it really finally hit me and I couldn't help but smile.

I have a feeling more of those revelations are going to happen. Everyday that goes by, my heart becomes a little more grateful, more joyful.

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