Friday, May 27, 2011

Passionate Careers

Even though I can play an instrument and sing, I tell people that I’m not a musician. Unlike the musicians that I’ve met, I don’t practice the art constantly or try to better myself in that area. It’s always been more of a side-hobby than anything. Yet I know true musicians live for those moments in their’s their passion.

I’ve recently realized that my brother is the same way. His passion is acting. He doesn’t care if he ever makes it big or how much money he makes. All he cares about is being able to act as much as possible. You should see how his eyes light up as he tries to explain to me what it’s like. He’s truly inspiring.

Lately I’ve wondered what my real passion in life is. Growing up, it was always computers. Working on them, writing programs for them, playing games on them, it didn’t seem to matter. In high school, I knew I was going to graduate college with a degree in Computer Science and end up in some kind of job doing the same. And that’s exactly what happened.

But back then, I lived and breathed computers. It wasn’t work, it was a way of life. Even right up to the beginning of my transition, I was working on an iPhone application at home outside of my standard 9-5 work hours. But that’s where things began to fall off track.

During transition, I found a new person inside me. No longer was I content with being cooped up at home in front of a computer. Sure, I had to deal with it at work and that was fine but when I went home, I found myself going on outings, socializing with friends, joining groups, and in general being much more active. Because of this, I often had fleeting thoughts of going back to school and changing careers but it was always something I could think about later.

I’ve always thought my passion was for computers but now I just don’t know. I still enjoy working with them sometimes but it’s definitely not the same as it used to be. I find that I really enjoy blogging and in particular creating special videos that inspire emotion as some of mine seem to. The feedback I received from others who could relate to any piece of my transition was always very heartfelt.

Because of this, I wondered how I could better my community or see more to the needs of others. Cosmetology and Mental Health Counseling seemed to be interests that sprouted from that thought but I’m still unsure if either is really right for me. And then my thoughts lapse into taking the easy road and staying in the computer field. I make good money and not everyone gets to love their job, right?

Do you remember in high school when you had to take those career placement tests? They never really mattered much to me because I knew I was going to be working with computers. Now I’m finally experiencing what some peers probably did back then, wondering which path to take. The possibilities are endless but I imagine only a couple will be truly right for me.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I failed you

I failed you.
I didn't end up being
what you wanted me to be.
All I wanted
my whole life
was to make you both happy.
But I failed you.
I couldn't be that person anymore
that shell, that husk
yes there were smiles
but my eyes did not sparkle
I put aside my needs
for you, subconsciously
knowing it was what you wanted me to do.
But needs rot in a bitter pile
over the years.
Yes I failed you
I have caused you so much pain
hurt, negativity, stress
I broke up the family.
I was your rock
and I broke with brittle fervor.
28 years of living a lie
I had to be my own woman
and it took the brink of death
to convince me.
I know I failed you
but now my eyes sparkle
no longer do I need to try
to be something I'm not
everything I do
is simply natural.
My life is happier than it's ever been
but inside, my heart
bears the marks
of thousands of lashes
my pillow knows no loss of tears
of nightly rainfall
knowing you are both disappointed
to the point that you've disowned me.
I'm not your daughter
because I failed you.

Friday, May 20, 2011

What I want someday

I just caught sight of an article from Marie Claire magazine about another transsexual woman outing herself to show that it is possible and it does get better.

Her story was much like most others like it including my own in some ways. I found myself rejoicing and crying with her as I relived my own memories and hers all bunched together. Then when she talked about meeting the right man and how after a while, she explained it to him and he was so understanding and loving, it just overwhelmed me. Another reminder of what I want someday.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Walking down that aisle

SPOILER WARNING: This blog post contains spoiler information for the Series of Finale for the TV show, Smallville.

At the end of the second to the last episode of Smallville, Lois decides that she is too much of a liability to marry Clark. She feels like she would merely weigh him down so she tells him she cannot marry him. You should have seen me, my cheeks streaked with tears crying out at the TV "NO!".

A week later, I watched the last episode and near the beginning, Chloe brings Lois Clark's vows and and after reading them, she realizes that nothing else matters but the fact that their love is forever. The only problem is Lois' dad is not in town and so he won't be there to walk her down the aisle. She tells Clark that it'll be fine, she's a big girl and can walk herself down the aisle.

Well the wedding day comes and Lois walks into the chapel, beautiful in her dress, everyone is there waiting. She looks up to the front and sees the best man and maid of honor and the preacher but no Clark. She starts to frown and looks like she may cry and everyone is staring at her...when suddenly Clark walks up behind her and takes her hand and smiles at her, beginning to walk her down the aisle.

Tears can't help but spring from my eyes whenever I think about that part of the scene and when I saw it for the first time, I sobbed uncontrollably. The reasons for my tears multiply based on how well I can relate to their situation. Lois' dad couldn't be there to walk her down the aisle and my dad probably will never feel comfortable doing that for me someday. That romantic love that Lois and Clark show so easily for each other, especially after all they've been through together throughout the something I desire with all of my heart so very much. And imagining the man that I love someday loving me and understanding me enough, that despite the fact that I'm a 'big girl', he would know that I still feel very small sometimes and need his loving touch. To have him surprise me and walk me down the aisle like that, with nothing but love for me in his eyes.....overwhelms my heart with conflicting and flowing emotions.

Joy for these fictional characters that portray so much love for each other, hope at the prospect of that happening someday to me, remorse that my dad cannot be there for me in that way, and of course longing as I wonder if and when I'll meet that person.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all. Here's a link to the video clip showing the scene that touched me so deeply:

Monday, May 16, 2011

Can't take the romance out of the girl

Someone commented on the last blog post saying that now that surgery was over, there was another journey ahead of me: Life. I can definitely see that starting to unfold.

It's interesting. Since I've become more attuned and satisfied with my body, I've started discovering more about myself sexually. I'm at a place in my life where I can freely admit to myself that I have bedroom desires that many people probably don't have but I may have been afraid to admit such things before because of the possibility of it being confused with the transition I just went through. Don't worry, I have no plans of going into great detail about any such things but the open and honest part of me still wanted to share this new piece of my life with you all.

Unsurprisingly, any raw sexual desires I have, I find myself wrapping in familiar packaging. I don't just want sex with anybody. I want it with someone I love deeply, like no other....and equally as important, someone who loves me just as much. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down on anybody who enjoys casual encounters. I'm just expressing my own desire for sex to continue to only be with someone I know, love, and trust completely.

A friend of mine spent the night this weekend because he had a falling out with his roommate and needed to cool off. He left early the next morning for work while I was still in bed but before he departed, he softly kissed me on the cheek. Besides thinking that was really "sweet", I took note of how such a simple act made me feel loved. Maybe it's because a kiss on the cheek is so much more innocent than on the lips, I don't know.

It reminds me of a dream I had a couple months ago:

I was looking out of the window of a house with an unidentified but familiar man standing behind me and it started to snow. It snowed rather quickly and the whole yard was covered in less than a second or two. I said aloud : “wow I’ve never seen it snow that fast before” (This was a hint that it was a dream but I didn't notice). I stood there and took in the beauty and leaned back on the guy and he held me close. Then he ever so slowly, holding me like I was a fragile china doll, softly kissed me on the cheek. It was so intimate as his lips took a lifetime in their touch softly brushing against my cheek. I was so overwhelmed that I felt like crying tears of pure joy.

So today I found myself once again pondering when I'd find true love. I guess no matter what, you just can't take the romance out of the girl. ;)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger's Block

EDIT: For some reason Blogger did a rollback or something? This post wasn't lost thankfully because I had it as a draft before I posted it but any comments that were made on it previously will not show up now =(

I know it's been quite a while since I've actually written something instead of just gabbing via video so I thought I'd give it a try. I feel like I may be having writer's block...or is it blogger's block?

Eight weeks ago today, I was entering surgery. It seems like much more time than that has passed. Healing has been slow but I've still passed several milestones and my mood is beginning to pick up. I am receiving silver nitrate treatments from my family doctor for some areas that needed some extra help and I have a followup appointment with Marci on June 1. I'm still very happy I had the surgery and life is beginning to go on.

For a long time now, I've had fleeting memories of my life before and they oddly feel like another lifetime and like they happened to another person. Almost like an odd dream. The newest addition to that is that I cannot really remember what it felt like to have the old parts before surgery. I mean I know I had them but in the same way that the old life feels like just a dream....they feel like even less than that.

That being said, I'm still so impatient! I want to wear my jeans! I want to wear tights! I want to sit without my donut! I want to not wear pads all of the time! I want to have sex! What? I do! lol. So yeah, the healing process has a long way to go for even those things.

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