Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger's Block

EDIT: For some reason Blogger did a rollback or something? This post wasn't lost thankfully because I had it as a draft before I posted it but any comments that were made on it previously will not show up now =(

I know it's been quite a while since I've actually written something instead of just gabbing via video so I thought I'd give it a try. I feel like I may be having writer's block...or is it blogger's block?

Eight weeks ago today, I was entering surgery. It seems like much more time than that has passed. Healing has been slow but I've still passed several milestones and my mood is beginning to pick up. I am receiving silver nitrate treatments from my family doctor for some areas that needed some extra help and I have a followup appointment with Marci on June 1. I'm still very happy I had the surgery and life is beginning to go on.

For a long time now, I've had fleeting memories of my life before and they oddly feel like another lifetime and like they happened to another person. Almost like an odd dream. The newest addition to that is that I cannot really remember what it felt like to have the old parts before surgery. I mean I know I had them but in the same way that the old life feels like just a dream....they feel like even less than that.

That being said, I'm still so impatient! I want to wear my jeans! I want to wear tights! I want to sit without my donut! I want to not wear pads all of the time! I want to have sex! What? I do! lol. So yeah, the healing process has a long way to go for even those things.

5 comments:

Ariel said...

Maybe it's time for a poem about desire. :)

I too soon forgot what it was like to have those old parts. And what seems to happen with memories is that it feels like they happened to female me. A bit of revisionist history. The brain sometimes plays good tricks.

Lucy Melford said...

I'm sure you'll get 'signed off' and 'cleared for sex' soon. I've just had my ten weeks post-op consultation with my own surgeon, and although he had to dab a bit of silver nitrate onto a small area at the entrance of the vagina (I'd had no bleeding from it, and felt nothing as he dabbed) he was satisfied overall, and gave me permission to go ahead with my life. I walked on air from that moment, as you will.

I agree with Ariel: it's time to explain your feelings now that you're healing up and getting ready to begin something.

You know, while I enjoy your vlogs - you've got a very engaging personality, look great, and possess a remarkably authentic female voice - I actually find your written words more accessable, and easier to digest. I suppose in a vlog everything said is gone in an instant, and some of it might not register. With text, your eyes can flicker back over a sentence again and again, and tease out the full meaning.

Lucy

Ariel said...

According to our protocol, we could have penetrative sex at three months. I'm glad it didn't happen until a year though. I don't think I was really physically ready until about six months. Mentally is a different story. :)

Teagan said...

Blogger's been down for about 48 hours. :)

Sometimes I find it hard to remember what it was like before. I'm sure that after surgery, that feeling will be even more pronounced.

Impatience aside, it sounds like things are going as expected for you. Hope it continues going that way!

Miz Know-It-All said...

Darling Debra,

Despite all you've heard to and all that you were been told to the contrary, now that your surgery is behind you is where the real transition begins! This is where you start to find out about who you are without all that baggage and white noise. This is where the realization of coming to speed as a woman a day late and a dollar short hits home.

It's very very doable, having done it myself, but I need to say, have patience Dear One. The path you are on takes years to complete not days or weeks... It will be a scary thing and it will be exhilarating beyond belief. It can be lonely and it will be full of friends beyond measure, but there is one and only one caveat to a success. There is one and only one thing you must do if you want everything that is now withing your grasp.

Let go!

Let go entirely of all these things that went before! Let go of the things you were told were important, things like "honesty" My I ask, honesty about what?

That you were once a boy? Or should that be honesty about you're having always been a girl, making her way the best she could with all she had on her plate?

You have to let go of the idea of both a "debt to the community, and a community" or at least the debt you are told you owe... there is only one community for you now, and that is the one that comprises 51% of the world population, and only one debt to the sisters who went before you. To go forth and live! To become a happy and healthy woman with a rich and full life!

Leave it behind, erase your many many tracks and I promise you will discover a world that full and wonderful beyond your wildest imaginings...

Don't, and you are choosing the blue pill...You are free to believe anything you want and to live however you want, but you will NEVER find out how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

The choice is yours and I wish you nothing but the best on your journey!

Miz Know-It-All

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