Saturday, May 21, 2011

I failed you

I failed you.
I didn't end up being
what you wanted me to be.
All I wanted
my whole life
was to make you both happy.
But I failed you.
I couldn't be that person anymore
that shell, that husk
yes there were smiles
but my eyes did not sparkle
I put aside my needs
for you, subconsciously
knowing it was what you wanted me to do.
But needs rot in a bitter pile
over the years.
Yes I failed you
I have caused you so much pain
hurt, negativity, stress
I broke up the family.
I was your rock
and I broke with brittle fervor.
28 years of living a lie
I had to be my own woman
and it took the brink of death
to convince me.
I know I failed you
but now my eyes sparkle
no longer do I need to try
to be something I'm not
everything I do
is simply natural.
My life is happier than it's ever been
but inside, my heart
bears the marks
of thousands of lashes
my pillow knows no loss of tears
of nightly rainfall
knowing you are both disappointed
to the point that you've disowned me.
I'm not your daughter
because I failed you.

5 comments:

Ariel said...

This is breaking my heart. I know it's a poem and a blog post, both means of catharsis. Maybe you had to get this out of you.

But you did not fail your parents. They failed to see who you were. We cannot, cannot, live our lives for others. That way lies real failure. Then we fail ourselves, and very likely fail to please those whom we tried so hard to please. All because it wasn't real. And no parent should ever want their child to be anyone other than who that child is.

Shannon said...

the child they raised
the values
the beliefs
the person you _Are_
they should be proud of

yes you are not the child they imagined

the child you broke your heart
trying to be
until it broke your spirit
you were told that death
was what was best
and you tried to go there
but Poppa wasn't ready for you
to come Home to Him

I am so glad
that you did not go
Home to Him

for every time I see the life in your eyes
and the joy in your smile
I praise God for you
I praise Him for bringing you to this place

this place that Poppa has brought you to
is _Not_ a place of failure!
but a place of joy and celebrations!

Halle said...

Know that you and others like you have enriched my life and made me a better person. One person at a time we can become accepting and truly loving. Nobody should have to live their life for another person; not ever!

Debra, you are no failure; so far from that.

Cynthia said...

Like Halle said. Debra, you have been such an inspiration, not only to myself, but to all of us out here. I have learned so much about myself since reading and listening to you. You have failed NOBODY, but some have failed you. How anybody could disown their own daughter is...well I can't imagine how. Especially someone as bright and beautiful as you. I know you feel the loss very deeply, but they are losing so much more. I will continue to pray very fervently for you and your parents and family.

Many hugs Debra and thank you for all your help,

Cynthia

Debra said...

Thank you all for your comments. I'm glad to have made a difference in others' lives.

I know that I didn't really fail them in *my* eyes but I know in *their* eyes, I have truly failed them. The combination of me making this transition and their decision to ignore and oppose it has caused a lot of hurt on both sides.

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