Saturday, July 30, 2011

Present drive, Past meandering, deferring Future

Today is one of those days where I find myself at home with no real plans to go anywhere or do anything. It's a day that doesn't happen very often anymore because I usually cram my calendar full with social events.

I sun-bathed in my new bikini and read a book for a while, finished some minor chores, and caught up on movies and tv shows. All in all, it's been a pretty relaxing day and yet I have to admit that I felt a little lonely.

I went out to dinner with some friends last night, a married couple. We had a good time but seeing how they interacted and reminisced about times spent with each other reminded me of what my ex-wife and I had for our 8 years together. The word that keeps coming up in my mind is simply: companionship.

I've been a single woman for just over a year now and I definitely have to admit that I miss the companionship of someone special in my life. That's not to say that in the last year, I couldn't have had that with somebody. I've gone on many dates and encountered some men who could have been my boyfriend for a time but I chose to not take things further because I didn't feel what I needed to feel: a special kind of connection and chemistry.

That being said, at least two of my suitors I did feel a certain connection with and yet because of their own circumstances or hindrances, they decided that taking things further with me would not work for them.

Approaching at a different angle, it's interesting to me that I only feel this way when I'm at home alone with nothing to do and the fact that this doesn't occur very often. I think I've tended to fill up my calendar with so much so I can drown out some of the lonely and sad feelings that are on the edges of my emotion. I often say that I don't mind living alone because I'm so busy with friends and dates that I don't ever feel truly alone. Maybe that's not a very healthy way to handle feelings I still need to process, batting them out of the way so I can get to my next event unscathed.

Sometimes I guess I need to take a step back and look around. I've made huge changes in my life over the last two years and I've barely given myself time to breathe and catch up. I don't know what my passions in life or even who my role models are anymore. That's something I find nagging at me and yet I wave it away and concentrate on the business of life in its present state.

Maybe I need some long term goals for my life. The ones I had in the past have either been removed or checked off the list. And I should probably try to schedule more days like this where I can breathe and relax and let the many feelings I've been pushing out of the way, wash over me.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Second Blogiversary: The need to cry

Today is my 2nd blogiversary. Two years ago, I started this blog, unsure of how much of myself I wanted to share with the world. Last year, I was much more open using my full legal name and feeling the freedom of being myself.

It's amazing how much can happen in the span of a year. Last year around this time, I had a surgery date scheduled, broke up with my boyfriend, and was continuing the struggle and happiness with transition. It's funny now, looking back, seeing where I was back then and comparing it to where I am now. I've had surgery now and in fact am mostly recovered, I've been dating off and on, unwilling to settle, and taking on a positive attitude despite adversities.

That being said, I recently was reminded that despite all my optimism and positive thinking....I really need to cry still sometimes. I do have hurts inside, hurts from my parents, hurts caused by boys, even still hurts about the limits of my womanhood.

Embarrassingly enough, I found this out the hard way the other day when I choked up a few different times while on a first date. Wow, how much of a "girl with baggage" cliche did I give off there? He was really nice about it but still it reminded me that I hadn't cried in a long time.

It's been a common theme on my blog and throughout my transition that there are many ups and downs and that this journey is not all butterflies and ice cream. My surgery experience was really no different, with a lot of complications that most girls don't seem to necessarily face. At some point during recovery, I HAD to put on a positive face about the whole thing and of course, it wasn't hard, given that I already have that optimistic view.

But the fact is, despite the wonder, the love, the joy, and the freedom of my transition....there will always still be hurts inside me, things I cannot help or fix, things I have no power to change...and sometimes there just come times when I need to cry or express that hurt in other ways.

And that's ok.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Last Silver Nitrate Treatment

I haven't written about my surgery in a while so I thought I'd write an update. I went to my family doctor once again today for a silver nitrate treatment. He found one very small area left to treat that was visible. I also had the joy of a first time experience with the speculum. It actually wasn't too bad but mind you, I had dilated close to an hour before. Apparently everything looked good inside except for another small spot of granulation tissue. With both of those areas treated, my doctor was pretty sure this would be my last treatment. I am so excited and happy about that!

Sensitivity has been coming back and therefore more achey pain. I've been back to taking ibuprofen regularly. Also some of the swelling has finally started to go down more and that is very welcome. The last little issue to work through is the fact that my labia minora is still slightly stuck together in the middle, completely covering the clitoris. My surgeon has prescribed a silvadine cream to use on the area and my family doctor actually confirmed that the use of that should help. He said that they sometimes saw similar issues in young girls and the cream helped.

Also, my estrogen levels are stable with my current injection dosage. All in all things are mostly back to normal at almost 4 months post-op.

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