Saturday, July 30, 2011

Present drive, Past meandering, deferring Future

Today is one of those days where I find myself at home with no real plans to go anywhere or do anything. It's a day that doesn't happen very often anymore because I usually cram my calendar full with social events.

I sun-bathed in my new bikini and read a book for a while, finished some minor chores, and caught up on movies and tv shows. All in all, it's been a pretty relaxing day and yet I have to admit that I felt a little lonely.

I went out to dinner with some friends last night, a married couple. We had a good time but seeing how they interacted and reminisced about times spent with each other reminded me of what my ex-wife and I had for our 8 years together. The word that keeps coming up in my mind is simply: companionship.

I've been a single woman for just over a year now and I definitely have to admit that I miss the companionship of someone special in my life. That's not to say that in the last year, I couldn't have had that with somebody. I've gone on many dates and encountered some men who could have been my boyfriend for a time but I chose to not take things further because I didn't feel what I needed to feel: a special kind of connection and chemistry.

That being said, at least two of my suitors I did feel a certain connection with and yet because of their own circumstances or hindrances, they decided that taking things further with me would not work for them.

Approaching at a different angle, it's interesting to me that I only feel this way when I'm at home alone with nothing to do and the fact that this doesn't occur very often. I think I've tended to fill up my calendar with so much so I can drown out some of the lonely and sad feelings that are on the edges of my emotion. I often say that I don't mind living alone because I'm so busy with friends and dates that I don't ever feel truly alone. Maybe that's not a very healthy way to handle feelings I still need to process, batting them out of the way so I can get to my next event unscathed.

Sometimes I guess I need to take a step back and look around. I've made huge changes in my life over the last two years and I've barely given myself time to breathe and catch up. I don't know what my passions in life or even who my role models are anymore. That's something I find nagging at me and yet I wave it away and concentrate on the business of life in its present state.

Maybe I need some long term goals for my life. The ones I had in the past have either been removed or checked off the list. And I should probably try to schedule more days like this where I can breathe and relax and let the many feelings I've been pushing out of the way, wash over me.


Shannon said...

There is so much change! And we need to go through it all to find ourselves. But the changes aren't easy to embrace, and we find a way to distract ourselves so we don't have to face them all. This is natural. It is, perhaps, healthy to a degree. But we do need to take the time to face what we feel and validate those feelings or we cannot grow.

Caroline said...

There is so much more to a transition than a new wardrobe and a few hospital visits.

The whole game plan has changed and it will take a while for your real self to assert itself.

For so long in the recent past life would be dominated almost to the exclusion of everything else by all the details of transition. The future is like starting a fresh new note book full of clean empty pages after discarding the old full one crammed full of angst and many wild crossing outs. A clean fresh page is always a bit scary until you get going...

Not much has changed with me except I no longer feel as if I live in a darkened prison in great discomfort but have walked into the sunshine with no limits on where I wander. It is strange standing here not knowing where to go, all the plans were to get out of the prison and that seemed enough to hope for at the time..

So many of us loose a life companion and all the shared memories, getting over the loss of someone who just left and could still be with you can be worse than loosing someone who dies. It took me many years to finally get over the ending of a seven year shared life. It took a determined effort to choose a new path just like the situation we find ourselves in now.

How could someone not fall for you! Not used song quote for ages but " life is what happens when busy making other plans". You will be swept off your feet when you least expect it.

Enjoy the sunbathing...

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