Monday, July 11, 2011

Second Blogiversary: The need to cry

Today is my 2nd blogiversary. Two years ago, I started this blog, unsure of how much of myself I wanted to share with the world. Last year, I was much more open using my full legal name and feeling the freedom of being myself.

It's amazing how much can happen in the span of a year. Last year around this time, I had a surgery date scheduled, broke up with my boyfriend, and was continuing the struggle and happiness with transition. It's funny now, looking back, seeing where I was back then and comparing it to where I am now. I've had surgery now and in fact am mostly recovered, I've been dating off and on, unwilling to settle, and taking on a positive attitude despite adversities.

That being said, I recently was reminded that despite all my optimism and positive thinking....I really need to cry still sometimes. I do have hurts inside, hurts from my parents, hurts caused by boys, even still hurts about the limits of my womanhood.

Embarrassingly enough, I found this out the hard way the other day when I choked up a few different times while on a first date. Wow, how much of a "girl with baggage" cliche did I give off there? He was really nice about it but still it reminded me that I hadn't cried in a long time.

It's been a common theme on my blog and throughout my transition that there are many ups and downs and that this journey is not all butterflies and ice cream. My surgery experience was really no different, with a lot of complications that most girls don't seem to necessarily face. At some point during recovery, I HAD to put on a positive face about the whole thing and of course, it wasn't hard, given that I already have that optimistic view.

But the fact is, despite the wonder, the love, the joy, and the freedom of my transition....there will always still be hurts inside me, things I cannot help or fix, things I have no power to change...and sometimes there just come times when I need to cry or express that hurt in other ways.

And that's ok.

4 comments:

Ariel said...

Sometimes, things build up inside us and have to come out -- hopefully not during a date! But when things need to come out, they do. And emotional release is good. Even with so much good in our lives, there are still things that cause pain. That just means we're human. More than OK!

Shannon said...

You have been open about everything. You have been so positive in everything about your transition. You have made it easy for us to forget you have hurts and things that have not gone the way you hoped. You are right, somethings will not heal completely. Somethings will always have pain and scarring. But you have people around you who will support you, have supported you every step of the way. Lean on them. They love you and want to do what they can to take the pain and the stings and the aches away. And failing that they want to comfort you in all your the things that hurt. and they will cry with you. -YOU- Debra are so NOT alone.

Jen said...

I'm with Ariel, sometimes you just need to cry, and that's okay. I do it quite often. The hurt you feel is something familiar to many of us, not that it helps any. The brave face you've put on, and the thoughts shared have been a comfort to others. My gramma used to tell me that the true measure of a person is the difference they make in the world. You've made a difference...a job well done. Happy blogiversary!

Caroline said...

These two years you have been a star. Open and honest every step of the way.

Admitting to being an emotional complex human creature abandoned by some who owe you unconditional love, we expect a few tears.

Some things cannot be fixed and are best abandoned and your energies used somewhere which gives a positive result. Those who have abandoned you should not be allowed to hold you back from a happy future.

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